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The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: GeneL
Date: November 29, 2017 10:58AM
The process to prepare me for dialysis starts today at 10:30am Pacific with the actual surgery starting at 12:30.

I'm trying to examine my feelings, but my mind is doing its best to avoid pinning them down.

I can best describe a picture of what I am imagining is that I am standing at the head of a down escalator and I can see that at the bottom there's nothing there...

... or that I am boarding the Titanic, knowing where the voyage will end.

I have had serious surgeries before, but I never felt like I do now. I would really like to stay home and forget the whole thing.

I really hate to say that the most support I have is that from my forum family.

My son has been distant, and I which really hurts. Mavis is not offering any emotional support, but at least is driving me to the surgery center. My best friend, from when we were 17, lives back in New York and has been doing his best to encourage me.

That's it. I have to get ready to go.

I know that it's unlikely that I will die from this procedure today, but I can't help feeling that my life is over...

Sorry to be so depressing. I'm finding it hard to continue because my eyes seem to be tearing up



gl @ Dana Point, CA
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: Paul F.
Date: November 29, 2017 11:03AM
You've got my positive thoughts coming from the north of the state!
Wish I had some magic encouraging words for you that would make the internal turmoil go away, but I'm not very good at that.

Most eloquent I can do is "Get Better Soon Gene!".



Paul F.
-----
A sword never kills anybody; it is a tool in the killer's hand. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca c. 5 BC - 65 AD
----
Good is the enemy of Excellent. Talent is not necessary for Excellence.
Persistence is necessary for Excellence. And Persistence is a Decision.

--

--

--
Eureka, CA
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: Sam3
Date: November 29, 2017 11:14AM
Good luck! Sending you hopeful thoughts and wishing you well for this dialysis surgery. I'm sorry to hear about your family, but probably they are just worried about you and don't know how to communicate it.

We await hearing from you how your surgery went. smile smiley
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: CJsNvrUrly
Date: November 29, 2017 11:15AM
The anxiety is the worst part. You’ll come through this and feel relieved. That’s my wish for you.




bunny smileyCentral VA
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: Buck
Date: November 29, 2017 11:15AM
Quote
Paul F.
You've got my positive thoughts coming from the north of the state!
Wish I had some magic encouraging words for you that would make the internal turmoil go away, but I'm not very good at that.

Most eloquent I can do is "Get Better Soon Gene!".
Ditto!
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: WillyB
Date: November 29, 2017 11:15AM
Get Better Soon Gene!
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: Steve G.
Date: November 29, 2017 11:17AM
You'll come out of this improved on the other side. Good fortune, Gene.
Remember rule #1: Leave Escape the hospital as soon as you can manage.

Plus, you know you have scores of friends pulling for you from the Forum Fraternity.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/29/2017 11:19AM by Steve G..
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: Ombligo
Date: November 29, 2017 11:17AM
Hang tough, this too shall pass (but you won't pass from this). You'll be posting again in no time.



“No persons are more frequently wrong, than those who will not admit they are wrong.”
-- François de La Rochefoucauld

"WE CALL BS!" -- Emma Gonzalez
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: Pam
Date: November 29, 2017 11:20AM
A person can only take so much. Not surprising you have anxiety. Best wishes and stay tough!
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: DP
Date: November 29, 2017 11:25AM
What everyone else said-plus, you still owe us margaritas!





Disclaimer: This post is checked for correct spelling, punctuation, and grammar. Any attempts at humor are solely the responsibility of the author and bear no claim that any and all readers will approve or appreciate said attempt at humor.
My name is DP, and I approve this message.
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: testcase
Date: November 29, 2017 11:26AM
Gene, you're too ornery to give in or give up. You WILL come through this (otherwise, we'd have to close the forum down and, I know you wouldn't do THAT to us wink smiley ). Positive thoughts and prayers on their way. I hope you'll be up to posting soon. angel smiley
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: wave rider
Date: November 29, 2017 11:28AM
Get Better Soon Gene!!!

Awaiting posts this afternoon...



=wr=
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: riley5108
Date: November 29, 2017 11:32AM
Have no experience with dialysis, but understand they do have to do a surgical procedure to allow accesses.

I'm not from northern Ca, but think Paul F. may have said it best.

Quote
Paul Fl
You've got my positive thoughts coming from the north of the state!
Wish I had some magic encouraging words for you that would make the internal turmoil go away, but I'm not very good at that.

Most eloquent I can do is "Get Better Soon Gene!".

We are all pulling for you GeneL !!



- Riley
Southern Indiana, B-Town



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/29/2017 11:33AM by riley5108.
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: mrbigstuff
Date: November 29, 2017 11:33AM
Gene, did you catch Alessandra on the Victoria's Secret special last night... highly recommended! :-)
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: anonymouse1
Date: November 29, 2017 11:35AM
Positive thoughts for you!

Also, it's really worthwhile to do some research about which center to go to--some are reportedly better than others.

Health to you, Gene!
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: M A V I C
Date: November 29, 2017 11:37AM
Wish you the best. We'll support you however we can.




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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: Todd's keyboard
Date: November 29, 2017 11:37AM
Positive thoughts are heading your way from the west coast of Canada.

Please get well soon, Gene.
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: decay
Date: November 29, 2017 11:43AM
Sending you the best thoughts and wishes, GeneL!

Margueritas are on me!



---
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: pipiens
Date: November 29, 2017 11:43AM
I am going out right now to sacrifice a virgin in your behalf.

Escape the hospital ASAP and get well soon.
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: mrlynn
Date: November 29, 2017 11:49AM
I expect it's not the procedure that worries you, but the prospect of depending on dialysis forever. I had similar apprehensions facing my thyroidectomy. From then on I was dependent on a thyroid pill every day. What happens if there's a cataclysm or war and the pills become unavailable? Like so many of us relying on modern technology, it's all over.

But in point of fact, the odds are pretty good that we'll have dialysis centers and thyroid medication for the foreseeable future. You have a much better chance of getting hit by a car the next time you're jaywalking.

So cheer up. I assume it's just day surgery, so you'll be home tonight, and as soon as the anesthesia wears off, you can have a beer. Just think of it all as a vast army of scientists, doctors, technicians, nurses all dedicated to your own personal well-being. And drink to that!

/Mr Lynn



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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: bik
Date: November 29, 2017 11:52AM
Hang in there, Gene.

One step at a time is all you can do.
Don't look to the bottom of the escalator.
Just sidestep it and take one step forward.

Pulling for you.
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: voodoopenguin
Date: November 29, 2017 11:55AM
Wishing you a speedy positive outcome.

Paul



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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: Michael
Date: November 29, 2017 11:55AM
Best wishes for a great outcome, Gene.
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: billb
Date: November 29, 2017 12:02PM
Quote
mrlynn
I expect it's not the procedure that worries you, but the prospect of depending on dialysis forever.
/Mr Lynn

This.^^^^^^^^


Maybe you just gotta break out the bottle of piss and vinegar, embrace the change in your life and vow to be as good at this phase as you have been at all your other adventures.



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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: davester
Date: November 29, 2017 12:14PM
Best wishes Gene! I'm sure everything will be fine and that you'll be feeling much better and more optimistic in short order.



"In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they would actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion." (1987) -- Carl Sagan
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: Yoyodyne ArtWorks
Date: November 29, 2017 12:26PM
Try to remember how much better you'll feel once you start receiving dialysis. And remember that millions of people depend on medications or medical devices to keep on choogling, you're not alone in this! Hang in there and feel better soon!



Once we place nonhuman animals outside our sphere of moral consideration
and treat them as things we use to satisfy our own desires,
the outcome is predictable.
- Peter Singer
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: Rick-o
Date: November 29, 2017 12:33PM
Best of luck, GeneL. I'm certain you will do well and pull past this latest bump in the road. We're pulling for you, as always. thumbs up



"After a time, you may find, that having is not so pleasing a thing after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true."

- Mr. Spock



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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: Kraniac
Date: November 29, 2017 12:39PM
G..it's ALWAYS like this..khnow that what you're going through is natural..nothing you can do except keep confidence in your docs and techs and support staff..

Deep breath..try to find a bright side here..like, this will help you..
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: TheCaber
Date: November 29, 2017 12:39PM
Best wishes for a positive result and speedy recovery! I'm saving a margarita for you!



=TC
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: N-OS X-tasy!
Date: November 29, 2017 12:55PM
Be well, Gene. This will be behind you before you know. As Tom Petty said, the waiting is the hardest part.



It is what it is.
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: Randalls
Date: November 29, 2017 01:12PM
Sending a gigantic wave of positive support and best wishes with everyone else here.
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: archipirata
Date: November 29, 2017 01:26PM
Pulling for you man! Hopefully when the dialysis can work its magic and rid your system of the built up toxins etc. you will feel a ton better. Fingers crossed and sending positive thoughts.



Athens, OH
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: cbelt3
Date: November 29, 2017 01:38PM
You got this ! Your virtual community here is pulling for you and wishing you all the best. Most of us know someone on dialysis... I know a few folks who have been on it for years.
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: Frank
Date: November 29, 2017 01:39PM
Sending positive thoughts your way, Gene.
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: pdq
Date: November 29, 2017 01:50PM
I'm sure you'll sail through the procedure.

Being on chronic hemodialysis itself is no piece of cake, but I've known folks who've actually found some positive aspects, in terms of reflections on life, and giving/forcing upon them time to think.
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: Rolando
Date: November 29, 2017 02:32PM
Sending love your way! Hope all goes well! As far as your family goes; they might be dumbstruck by what's happening to you. Give them time as well.



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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: GuyGene
Date: November 29, 2017 03:02PM
agree smiley with all above, Gene! Plus, some good old fashioned .... prayer!



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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: blooz
Date: November 29, 2017 03:50PM
Gene, don't give up. We are pulling for you and will see you when you are healthier. You've had a long haul lately and it's natural to be depressed, but don't let it own you. You will be better!



And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.
—Friedrich Nietzsche
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: Speedy
Date: November 29, 2017 03:59PM
On the bright side, you can have all the double margaritas you want the day of dialysis. It can take two to three months for your fistula to mature before you start to use it so be patient.

Don't forget, post pics of your nurses.



Saint Cloud, Minnesota, where the weather is wonderful even when it isn't.
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: Buzz
Date: November 29, 2017 06:54PM
Quote
CJsNvrUrly
The anxiety is the worst part. You’ll come through this and feel relieved. That’s my wish for you.

Yep, it ain't the procedure, it's the anxiety surrounding it. People deal w/ other people's stressful stuff in their own way, so don't stress over how they react to your situation... no sense adding stress to an already stressful situation. Play the hand you're dealt, and don't worry about other people's hands when you're not up for it, and don't have any spare anxiety neurons to spare. In the mean time, let the vibes carry you thru recovering from the procedure, you'll be a new kid again soon.
==
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: Winston
Date: November 29, 2017 07:32PM
Gene -

Sorry your son has been distant. It can be hard for kids (even quite "mature" children) to cope with the idea that their parents are mortal.

I've been taking a class on religion and theology, and recently have been working on the idea of how to be open to God (or whatever causes humans to have spiritual experiences). Whatever you faith, or lack thereof, there is something to finding time and patience to let experience (and maybe your subconscious) talk to you. Perhaps this will be one of those times.

You said you are trying to examine your feelings. I've a hard time doing that myself. Maybe, instead, don't try to examine them - let them be, and see how you do giving them their place. Acknowledge the scary ones (which you've done by posting here). But they don't have to define who you are, or how you act. You have a choice in that, and it sounds like you are exercising that choice by going through with the procedure, even when you'd rather "stay home and forget the whole thing". Bravo.


Since this is a Mac and iDevice related forum, I'll be looking forward to your review of you new port(s). After all, it's an upgrade designed to make you faster, better, stronger!


Good luck.

- Winston



------------------------
Be seeing you.
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: lost in space
Date: November 29, 2017 07:39PM
Pulling for you here, Gene. It looks worse from this side, going into the procedure. You'll come through on the other side just fine.



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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: space-time
Date: November 29, 2017 08:43PM
GeneL, I am late to the thread, sorry I missed it until now, but I hope things worked out and you are not now resting comfortable and I am looking forward to a post from you tomorrow.

I am curious why one needs surgery to prepare for dialysis? I thought they put some needs in your blood vessels to take blood out, clean it, put it back. I am not sure what surgery is for.

On a related note: there was some TV documentary about this, I think it was Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. Interesting. Kidney is the only organ for which we have universal health care. He said these dialysis clinics do not educate patients that they would have a better quality of life if they were to get a kidney transplant, and also a longer life. They want to keep patient uneducated so they keep coming back for dialysis. It's a scam, but at least we do have universal healthcare for this issue.

[www.youtube.com]



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/29/2017 09:39PM by space-time.
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: $tevie
Date: November 29, 2017 08:50PM
I missed this thread, as well. The forum crew, as always, has said it all much better than I could. We'll be here when you're ready to give us your report.



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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: Filliam H. Muffman
Date: November 29, 2017 09:00PM
Change is always a little scary. We are in your corner to keep moving ahead. Best wishes GeneL!



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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: N-OS X-tasy!
Date: November 29, 2017 09:01PM
Quote
space-time
On a related note: there was some TV documentary about this, I think it was Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. Interesting. Kidney is the only organ for which we have universal health care. He said these dialysis clinics do not educate patients that they would have a better quality of life if they were to get a kidney transplant, and also a longer life. They want to keep patient uneducated so they keep coming back for dialysis. It's a scam, but at least we do have universal healthcare for this issue.

Kidneys don't grow on trees.



It is what it is.
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: A-Polly
Date: November 29, 2017 10:10PM
Late to the party, but hoping all went well, GeneL, and that you are safe at home, relaxed and relieved that the surgery is over. Save up your margaritas for dialysis day!
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: Speedy
Date: November 29, 2017 11:20PM
Quote
space-time
I am curious why one needs surgery to prepare for dialysis? I thought they put some needs in your blood vessels to take blood out, clean it, put it back. I am not sure what surgery is for.

Google: fistula and dialysis. GeneL said in an earlier thread that he was getting a fistula.

Personally, I think peritoneal dialysis is the better choice for him because he maintains his fluid balance just fine but is building up waste solutes in his blood.



Saint Cloud, Minnesota, where the weather is wonderful even when it isn't.
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Re: The day I dread is here. Why am I so terrified?
Posted by: mrlynn
Date: November 30, 2017 07:22AM
Quote
Speedy
Quote
space-time
I am curious why one needs surgery to prepare for dialysis? I thought they put some needs in your blood vessels to take blood out, clean it, put it back. I am not sure what surgery is for.

Google: fistula and dialysis. GeneL said in an earlier thread that he was getting a fistula.

Personally, I think peritoneal dialysis is the better choice for him because he maintains his fluid balance just fine but is building up waste solutes in his blood.

Peritoneal dialysis is somewhat complicated, but can be done at home. My wife got her mother trained in it, but unfortunately her mother succumbed to dementia and was unable to continue.

/Mr Lynn
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