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how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: space-time
Date: February 01, 2018 07:24AM
family friend just got divorced. She cheated on him. She seems so happy, he was broken heart when it happened. She wants to stop by tonight for some drinks (she brings the drinks). She wants to "celebrate". I am thinking to drop this question in the middle of the conversation. I want to see her reaction. My wife does not approve. She thinks I will offend this person.
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: NewtonMP2100
Date: February 01, 2018 07:30AM
.....no one knows exactly what happens in other people's relationship [ a lot goes on behind closed doors ]....not justifying or condemning her....

....if he is your friend, and she was just 'the wife of your friend' then you have a right to be upset about it but try not to be judgmental.....I would not ask her this question because what does it really accomplish....??

....would any answer satisfy you....??

.....not really, it is just a way for you to express your anger at her....find another way to express your ire......if you don't think you can, I would avoid 'celebrating' with her and just let your wife do it.....stay in another part of the house if you don't think you can face her......



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I reject your reality and substitute my own!
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: space-time
Date: February 01, 2018 07:31AM
Wise advice. Thanks.
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: Ombligo
Date: February 01, 2018 07:52AM
There are a lot of dynamics that go into that situation, it is often not as cut & dried as it may seem. Two thoughts cross my mind here - first it is tacky to celebrate, I wouldn't be there. Second - and more directly aimed at your inquiry - it really is none of your business.



“No persons are more frequently wrong, than those who will not admit they are wrong.”
-- François de La Rochefoucauld
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: DP
Date: February 01, 2018 07:55AM
We don't know all the details of the marriage. What does your wife think of the situation?

But, I agree with Newt-you should just not be in the same room. I'm sure your absence will be noted and maybe you'll be called upon to explain...





Disclaimer: This post is checked for correct spelling, punctuation, and grammar. Any attempts at humor are solely the responsibility of the author and bear no claim that any and all readers will approve or appreciate said attempt at humor.
My name is DP, and I approve this message.
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: 3d
Date: February 01, 2018 08:10AM
Celebrating the finalization of a divorce is not out of the ordinary. A former coworker of mine was jubilant to say the least. She bought ice cream for everyone in the office. She wasn't the cheater though.

Excuse yourself from the room for a bit, let the women talk and get the details from your wife afterwards. Unless you have some sort of perverse glee in looking into the woman's eyes as she explains how she felt when cheating on her husband.
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: PizzaGod
Date: February 01, 2018 08:18AM
If it bothers you I'd skip it.

I've been on both sides of affairs, and there can be a myriad of reasons. It doesn't concern you, so I'd let it go. If you don't approve, I'd absent myself and just keep avoiding the person.

If you want an answer-sometimes it feels pretty good. Affirming. Sometimes it just brings a lot of remorse and self hate. Depends a lot on where the person is and why they became involved.

You'll never get a full answer anyway, so again, pass on this.
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: mattkime
Date: February 01, 2018 09:06AM
There were likely pre-existing problems. She likely didn't feel valued / loved. Her ex may have thought everything was perfect. From her eyes, she probably felt loved again but she might not have been willing or even able to communicate the problems in her previous relationship.



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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: davester
Date: February 01, 2018 09:31AM
Your description ("family friend just got divorced. She cheated on him") is far too facile. The factors that create situations like these are always far more complicated. Also, you're likely to only know one side of the story. What you were planning to say would certainly be extremely offensive and obnoxious.



"In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they would actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion." (1987) -- Carl Sagan
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: rjmacs
Date: February 01, 2018 09:41AM
I try not to pee in friends'/acquaintances' cornflakes, unless it's absolutely clear that I am the only person truly suited to chastise this person, and it's appropriate for me to do so.



rj
AKA
Vreemac, Moth of the Future
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: sekker
Date: February 01, 2018 09:47AM
I would let bygones be bygones and work to the future. Who knows what really happened.
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: Paul F.
Date: February 01, 2018 10:25AM
Sometimes, it really IS that simple, and it really IS one-sided.
In those cases, I don't have much sympathy or good will towards the cheater.
Only space-time can really know whether it is, or isn't, one-sided.

There are many other ways to deal with feeling unwanted in a relationship than cheating. I have more respect for people that choose a different path.



Paul F.
-----
A sword never kills anybody; it is a tool in the killer's hand. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca c. 5 BC - 65 AD
----
Good is the enemy of Excellent. Talent is not necessary for Excellence.
Persistence is necessary for Excellence. And Persistence is a Decision.

--

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Eureka, CA
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: ka jowct
Date: February 01, 2018 10:41AM
Quote
davester
Your description ("family friend just got divorced. She cheated on him") is far too facile. The factors that create situations like these are always far more complicated. Also, you're likely to only know one side of the story. What you were planning to say would certainly be extremely offensive and obnoxious.

Agreed. There is little or nothing to be gained by taking sides, even if you could know with absolute certainty that something really despicable occurred, and that it was all on one side. I doubt that things were going wonderfully, if the wife is extremely happy to be free of it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/01/2018 10:41AM by ka jowct.
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: billb
Date: February 01, 2018 10:49AM
I'd ask anyway.

What's the worst that can happen ? Your wife chimes in and says it was a blast ?



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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: Ammo
Date: February 01, 2018 11:19AM
Lots of thoughtful advice here, beginning with Newt.



Where is there dignity unless there is also honesty? - Cicero

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. —Wendy Mass
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: space-time
Date: February 01, 2018 11:35AM
OK Folks, I was wrong, wrong wrong.

I admit: my intention was to hurt this person. bad, really bad idea. yes, sometimes I am a little evil.
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: Pops
Date: February 01, 2018 11:55AM
I have little tolerance for behavior like cheating. If things reach the point of no return re: a relationship, I think it needs to be discussed and resolved legally before one sneaks behind the other's back and cheats.

I don't expect that everyone agrees with me.
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: Paul F.
Date: February 01, 2018 12:11PM
Quote
Pops
I have little tolerance for behavior like cheating. If things reach the point of no return re: a relationship, I think it needs to be discussed and resolved legally before one sneaks behind the other's back and cheats.

I don't expect that everyone agrees with me.

It's clear in this thread that most people don't. But I do.



Paul F.
-----
A sword never kills anybody; it is a tool in the killer's hand. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca c. 5 BC - 65 AD
----
Good is the enemy of Excellent. Talent is not necessary for Excellence.
Persistence is necessary for Excellence. And Persistence is a Decision.

--

--

--
Eureka, CA
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: testcase
Date: February 01, 2018 12:20PM
Go "celebrate" with or support your friend. old fogey smiley
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: NewtonMP2100
Date: February 01, 2018 12:31PM
....yes, it is wrong but there is no black and white in life......sometimes things don't work out perfectly.....in an ideal world, yes but there is no such thing as an ideal world......



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I reject your reality and substitute my own!
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: JPK
Date: February 01, 2018 01:05PM
Do it!

JPK
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: chopper
Date: February 01, 2018 01:13PM
SPACE-Time for the forum over-sharing win of the day.
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: Racer X
Date: February 01, 2018 02:12PM
I view cheating while married the ultimate betrayal. Period. (well, cheating on, then murdering a spouse would be worse...)

Not having the decency to be faithful tells a lot about someone's character and values. But this is based on MY values, the family and community, and our religious beliefs. On that note, I don't think someone needs to be a practicing Christian to believe that the 10 Commandments are a pretty good set of guidelines to live by, in general.
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: NewtonMP2100
Date: February 01, 2018 02:16PM
.....don't do it for cards either......



_____________________________________

I reject your reality and substitute my own!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/01/2018 02:18PM by NewtonMP2100.
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: Harbourmaster
Date: February 01, 2018 04:19PM
This has got to be one of the strangest queries ever made on this forum. facepalm



Aloha, Ken


“I have developed significant attachments to several members even though I wouldn't recognize them if I sat next to one on a park bench. I'm often tempted when in an airport to walk around, hollering "The Løpe", to see if anyone other than the Homeland Security people will acknowledge me. ” - The Løpe
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: Yoyodyne ArtWorks
Date: February 01, 2018 07:15PM
Present her with a yummy chocolate cake that has a big red “A” on top of the frosting, then stand back and let the fun begin!



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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: space-time
Date: February 01, 2018 07:25PM
well she didn't call, didn't show up. so no drinks after all.
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: Ombligo
Date: February 01, 2018 07:55PM
perhaps she is secretly on the forum and saw your post (can you trust her if she says she isn't?)



“No persons are more frequently wrong, than those who will not admit they are wrong.”
-- François de La Rochefoucauld
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: blooz
Date: February 01, 2018 10:08PM
It's the point where you knew you wanted to "hurt this person" where your course should be clear. Wanting "to hurt" is a signal that your motives are more about revenge than making a situation better. It is so easy, and believe me I know all about this from regrettable firsthand experience, to find a "moral high ground" and chastise others for not joining you there.
Like others have already said, you don't know the whole story, you don't know what went on in the privacy of that home.
I'm glad you realized that your intention was to hurt that person rather than to improve or bring clarity to the situation.
This is how we learn to be better people, and others may have learned from your query, so thanks for bringing this to us.



And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.
—Friedrich Nietzsche
Western Massachusetts
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: NewtonMP2100
Date: February 02, 2018 07:10AM
Quote
space-time
well she didn't call, didn't show up. so no drinks after all.


.....this might be because she does feel 'regret' and realized 'celebrating' might not have been a good idea.....but it could be that she was so excited to be 'free' that she wanted to share with her 'friends' or get some support too by surrounding herself with 'friends......as I said it may be hard but try not to be judgmental.....no one knows what happened but the 2 parties.....there could be a reason, that no one knows about for the divorce.......



_____________________________________

I reject your reality and substitute my own!
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: Todd's keyboard
Date: February 02, 2018 02:39PM
Personally, I'm a big fan of shunning.
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Re: how does it feel when you cheat on somebody?
Posted by: NewtonMP2100
Date: February 02, 2018 02:50PM
.....what......??

....no stoning....????
;)



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I reject your reality and substitute my own!
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