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Advice on relating to aging relatives
Posted by: mattkime
Date: March 03, 2019 06:10PM
I'm curious if anyone out there has a book about how best to relate to the aging process. It can be easy to expect everyone to fight what time takes from us every step of the process but that involves expectations and value judgements that the aging may not share. My parents are not yet ceding (significant) abilities to age but my inlaws are. Its something that nearly all of us face.



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Re: Advice on relating to aging relatives
Posted by: Bernie
Date: March 03, 2019 07:16PM


I had to read this in college. 4.8 out of 5 stars. An easy read about a hard topic.




Staunton, Virginia
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Re: Advice on relating to aging relatives
Posted by: Ombligo
Date: March 03, 2019 08:25PM
Patience..

Don't get upset if they take longer, or decide to change plans without warning. It can be hard to accept that your parents are not as spry as they were just a few years ago. Go at their pace and enjoy the time you have with them.



“No persons are more frequently wrong, than those who will not admit they are wrong.”
-- François de La Rochefoucauld

"WE CALL BS!" -- Emma Gonzalez
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Re: Advice on relating to aging relatives
Posted by: WHiiP
Date: March 03, 2019 08:44PM
Unfortunately, I am the aging relative . . . cursing smiley



Bill
Flagler Beach, FL 32136

Carpe Vino!

Fermentation may have been a greater discovery than fire.
— David Rains Wallace
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Re: Advice on relating to aging relatives
Posted by: mrbigstuff
Date: March 03, 2019 08:55PM
I am beginning to think that this topic may require classes for those of us who are about to deal with it head on. Certainly having the advice of those who have gone through it already would be invaluable. d



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Re: Advice on relating to aging relatives
Posted by: Filliam H. Muffman
Date: March 03, 2019 10:00PM
Looking back, I think I should have tried to get my mom and brother to go to counseling with me. I didn't realize until she has passed away that she had been getting us to fight each other over several issues.

About the only thing my brother and I agreed on is that she should have given up driving at least a year earlier than she did (weak legs to push on the brake, poor vision from macular degeneration). That was a battle because she had learned to drive at 14, and usually had a car available in some form after she got her license. She had never really learned to use the bus system in the 48 years she lived in the same house.

My dad was pragmatic, planned ahead and was usually more than reasonable. He passed away seven years before mom.



In tha 360. [url=Zee Maps Now requires a subscription/payment to work]MRF User Map[/url]
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Re: Advice on relating to aging relatives
Posted by: mattkime
Date: March 03, 2019 10:34PM
Quote
Ombligo
Patience..

Don't get upset if they take longer, or decide to change plans without warning.

Thats the easy part.

The difficult part is navigating the cajoling and convincing to do (or at least try) the things that younger people might to stay active and fit rather than chalking up infirmities to old age and allowing them to pile up. Oooooh - and refusing to admit that there are newer and better ways of doing things....and if the old ways aren't sufficient then its not worth doing at all. (I'm going to cite the Reagan administration as the dividing line between old and new.)

As I mull it over - you can do what you can for those you're close with carefully staying on the right side of the line between persuasion and being pushy. And those you're not quite that close with, just enjoy the time.







Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/03/2019 10:44PM by mattkime.
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Re: Advice on relating to aging relatives
Posted by: lost in space
Date: March 04, 2019 05:19AM
Check with your city’s social services. Ours has a caregiver support program for those providing care for ill or aging relatives. Ours was extremely helpful to us while we cared for my dying brother and his ill wife. They provided counseling, classes, even massages, all free.



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Re: Advice on relating to aging relatives
Posted by: Bernie
Date: March 04, 2019 06:34AM
Today she doesn't like that. Down the road you can probably add it back to the menu. How are the teeth, dentures? Pot roast is just the veggies. But she loves the pot roast veggies cause they taste like Pot Roast Veggies.
Mobility, steps, and just endurance. Cabin fever gets to us all but even a large grocery store is out of the question. Dollar stores (various chains) are about the right size right now. Even a mobility ride will not make up for when the vision goes. The vision comes and goes.
This weekend I caught her ordering something over the phone from a catalog. She was reading those tiny item numbers great. It comes and goes. Hearing I swear comes and goes too. I tell her it is time to hit the Oxygen. Does it help? She says it just puts here to sleep. Willful child.
About a year ago the wife and I took sledge hammer to here tub and put in a walk in shower. Brought the project in under a thousand. Those Kohler tubs are 13-15 GRAND.

We are buying time. We are buying quality of life. She lives next door and lives alone with a dog and cat.
I quit my job and am living off my 401k. So long as she knows who I am she will live there as that is her wish. Two Wyse cameras strategically placed give me some more to work with.
She fell and the cameras came. The next time she fell we had the camera to look back on. She has a walker and uses it most of the time but when we get the call because she is in the floor and thinks she was .... well she must have blacked out because she doesn't remember.
She has a lift chair that she sleeps in more than her bed. She plops in it and doesn't always put the chair back down onto the sitting position. Ya Know the dipping bird that drinks water out of a glass? There she was asleep doing a head bob, up and down, with the chair elevated a bit. She didn't fall, she rolled out of the chair. Bent her glasses and looked like #e!! but........

Prepare to think different




Staunton, Virginia
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Re: Advice on relating to aging relatives
Posted by: anonymouse1
Date: March 04, 2019 10:19AM
All this assumes you're in the US. Based on my experience with my mother-in-law since she had stroke 3 years ago at age 86. She has some dementia and memory loss now, but still recognizes us and can keep up a simple conversation. And some days she's much better than that. We see her and take her out for coffee/lunch every week.

1. Start looking for assisted living facilities years in advance, so you know what's out there, what you want, and what you can afford. The affordable decent ones can take months for a slot to open up.

2. ABSOLUTELY, find a firm that can advise you on how to deal with all this stuff. They're usually former clinical social workers who understand how the system works, and they can provide incredibly good advice, and also provide respite care by providing assistants to come in all help, either when the elderly are still at home, or are in assisted living. THIS WAS A TOTAL GAME CHANGER FOR US. I think the term of art is "geriatric care manager. Here's an example of a good one:
[www.seaburyresources.org]
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Re: Advice on relating to aging relatives
Posted by: Acer
Date: March 04, 2019 11:05AM
Life Alert service, despite the cringeworthy marketing, is actually a useful thing in our experience. At a certain point even a simple fall to the floor--without injury--can be impossible for an otherwise fully independent elderly person to get up from.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/04/2019 11:06AM by Acer.
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Re: Advice on relating to aging relatives
Posted by: NewtonMP2100
Date: March 04, 2019 11:21AM
....does smell like teen spirit.....



____________________________________________________

I reject your reality and substitute my own!
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Re: Advice on relating to aging relatives
Posted by: Filliam H. Muffman
Date: March 04, 2019 02:01PM
Bernie, I didn't have the problems with food, mom would usually eat some version of frozen TV dinners. My brother would take her out to dinner about once a week and I occasionally cooked fresh food with leftovers for at least one meal.

I did have pretty close to the same issue with mom ordering stuff from late night TV. This is one of the things she got me to fight my brother over. She had a secret credit card that we didn't know about. She hid the statements and I only found out about it when she made the mistake of ordering a double (4 vacuums) order of Singer portable vacuums that I had to return. It wasn't until we were cleaning out the house that I found the card, and then eventually the statements for it.

Mom had a Life Alert pendant but it didn't help when she was passed out on the floor from the last stroke. Home cameras weren't as easy to set up in 2012. Prompt action that a camera might have provided could have extended her life a year or two, hard to say.



In tha 360. [url=Zee Maps Now requires a subscription/payment to work]MRF User Map[/url]
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Re: Advice on relating to aging relatives
Posted by: LyleH
Date: March 04, 2019 04:18PM
Quote
Filliam H. Muffman
Bernie, I didn't have the problems with food, mom would usually eat some version of frozen TV dinners. My brother would take her out to dinner about once a week and I occasionally cooked fresh food with leftovers for at least one meal.

I did have pretty close to the same issue with mom ordering stuff from late night TV. This is one of the things she got me to fight my brother over. She had a secret credit card that we didn't know about. She hid the statements and I only found out about it when she made the mistake of ordering a double (4 vacuums) order of Singer portable vacuums that I had to return. It wasn't until we were cleaning out the house that I found the card, and then eventually the statements for it.

Mom had a Life Alert pendant but it didn't help when she was passed out on the floor from the last stroke. Home cameras weren't as easy to set up in 2012. Prompt action that a camera might have provided could have extended her life a year or two, hard to say.

I understand there are some devices similar to Life Alert that will sense when someone falls, doesn't move for a certain period of time, and does not respond to a query from them within a certain period of time - They can then call 911 if they feel it is necessary. This may be an extra-cost item. LyleH
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Re: Advice on relating to aging relatives
Posted by: Robert M
Date: March 05, 2019 12:27PM
Matt,

speaking from experience, the biggest obstacle you're going to face is Stubborn Old Man Syndrome (SOMS) and Stubborn Old Woman Syndrom (SOWS). It relates to a limited to degree refusing to admit that there are newer and better ways of doing things. Kind of.

It's really the situation when the aging individual absolutely needs assistance. This could be something as simple as absolutely needing an assistive device for walking (Cane/Walker) or an aide to help with daily chores such as cleaning the house.

As time progresses, the amount and type assistance the person needs is going change, too. At some point, someone is going to have to help manage his/her finances and medical conditions and appointments.

You'll also have to make sure they have all of their "paperwork" together, i.e. will, living will, powers of attorney, etc.

However, the biggest obstacle is going to be the individual and their refusal to admit he/she needs assistance. It becomes _much_ easier once you get past that.

Robert
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Re: Advice on relating to aging relatives
Posted by: Janit
Date: March 05, 2019 01:12PM
Sometimes it's necessary to be creative. My father absolutely refused to use a walker. The solution was to have him push my mother in her wheelchair when they went to clinic appointments.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/05/2019 01:13PM by Janit.
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