advertisement
Forums

The Forum is sponsored by 
 

AAPL stock: Click Here

You are currently viewing the Tips and Deals forum
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Blankity Blank
Date: August 09, 2019 04:11PM
Quote
3d
Catching pneumonia may have been a lucky break for you. I'm guessing you can stay in the hospital for a few days. Does the nursing/rehab center stay "reset" to give you more time? Or is the last day still still Monday regardless?

I'm really just guessing here but doesn't Medicaid help pay for a nursing home? I have to imagine you qualify for Medicaid with no income and no savings.
From what we were told a few years ago by a contact at the Alzheimer’s Foundation, some or all nursing homes are mandated to set aside a certain number of beds for Medicaid recipients. However, the homes’ strong preference is for patients with means to pay from their own funds, so negotiating your way into one of these reserved spots is not the easiest. She recommended finding a social worker or other consultant familiar with the process to assist in placement.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Buzz
Date: August 09, 2019 04:30PM
Quote
A-Polly
Gosh, GeneL, what a stressful and complicated mess! I agree with whoever said the above, "Follow the money."

Unfortunately, I have no experience with collectibles but would be happy to donate if it comes to that. I hope your collections aren't locked up in the home you can't enter, though!

Also second the suggestion to speak with the social worker at your facility, and Adult Protective Services, and any of the legal aid suggestions mentioned above. The social worker at my dad's rehab facility was very kind and helpful.

Good luck, good thoughts, and best wishes coming at you from across the country. And hoping for Mavis to gain strength, too.

APS (Adult Protective Services) is pretty much worthless in the populated counties of California. Unless there are broken bones and/or mass quantities of blood, APS won't do squat. There are simply too many broken, bloody, and battered adults to deal with, so that verbal, mental, emotional, and anything up thru moderate physical abuse, simply don't rate wasting the precious few APS resource dollars the counties' have on those types of cases.

A social worker may be good for hand holding, which is helpful, but without multi-day hospital stay violence involved, keeping matters like this in the civil court arena, is only a game for multi-millionaires, and wealthier, to get involved in. Clinic level resources are stretched way too thin, and even when they are available, the level of realized service is pathetic at best. In CA's populous counties, you gotta pay, and pay big, in order to play. You can be guaranteed the only winners are gonna be the lawyers.... the Richie McRiches may get an occasional empiric victory, but a just, and fair, and cost effective resolution is a pipe dream.

Gene needs Dr, Phil... or Tony Soprano.
==
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: rz
Date: August 09, 2019 05:06PM
Quote
Markintosh

While using an estate auction type of place will cost dearly as a percentage of value, they will save a lot of headache in helping separate the wheat from the chaff, and then taking everything at once. Unfortunately much of what parents had treasured was of no value to even local thrift stores. We had to pay to have it hauled away.

Same kind of thing happened with my aunt. She went into assisted living earlier this year, and my sister had the task of going through her stuff and selling it before putting the house up for sale. Stuff that my aunt treasured and thought was worth a lot of money was basically worthless. An estate sale company came and looked at all of it, and declined to take any of it. Furniture, collectibles, etc... all worthless. The only thing anyone wanted was some tools that her late husband had had. His son came and took some of them. She had a hard time finding anyone to take the furniture. Several thrift stores flat out told her they had way too much, and that nobody wanted that kind of stuff anyway.

When my dad passed last year, at least he had downsized several years earlier when my mom had passed. He did remarry, and his new wife took most of the furniture with her to her new place. Which we are thankful for, because I doubt we'd have gotten much if anything for it.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: 3d
Date: August 09, 2019 05:37PM
Quote
Blankity Blank
Quote
3d
Catching pneumonia may have been a lucky break for you. I'm guessing you can stay in the hospital for a few days. Does the nursing/rehab center stay "reset" to give you more time? Or is the last day still still Monday regardless?

I'm really just guessing here but doesn't Medicaid help pay for a nursing home? I have to imagine you qualify for Medicaid with no income and no savings.
From what we were told a few years ago by a contact at the Alzheimer’s Foundation, some or all nursing homes are mandated to set aside a certain number of beds for Medicaid recipients. However, the homes’ strong preference is for patients with means to pay from their own funds, so negotiating your way into one of these reserved spots is not the easiest. She recommended finding a social worker or other consultant familiar with the process to assist in placement.

He currently has a bed in a nursing facility (until Monday), so "having his foot in the door" may help the situation with Medicaid. But since no one has mentioned Medicaid until an hour ago when I brought it up, I get the feeling that this is not an option for him currently for whatever reason. Access to dialysis may shrink the pool of available nursing/rehab centers even more unfortunately.

*Edit* Since you are in the hospital currently, take advantage of the hospital social worker as much as possible. You are your own best advocate. Don't sign those hospital discharge papers until you (and the hospital) knows where you are going next. And that there is a bed waiting for you somewhere.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/09/2019 05:43PM by 3d.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: testcase
Date: August 09, 2019 05:58PM
GeneL, Have you called that 211 number? If you haven't, start there. We're all sorry for the woes you're experiencing. There CAN BE light at the end of the tunnel. Are you a veteran of any of the uniformed services? If you are, many states have resources for their aging heroes. Do call your elected officials. You WON'T get to speak with a Council Person, Representative or Senator directly BUT, the staff should know what help IS available. Speak simply and clearly and stress that you're under severe time constraints. It can be amazing what doors can be opened once you find the right person. Some of these people WILL try to "blow you off" BUT, BEFORE you hang up, remember to ask who they could recommend that could be of help. If you have voted for any of these officials, TELL THEM THAT up front! You supported them, now YOU need their support. Of course, keep a written diary of who, what, when you speak with and a synopsis of the conversation. I'm in MT this week and, will be in ND next week before finally arriving in SD. I'll be surprised if there isn't a forum member who IS close to you who can offer some direct help, even if it's only a ride. We're ALL pulling for you here. May God bless you! angel smiley
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 09, 2019 06:52PM
I am so touched by the thoughtful posts from my friends. I do "wish" that I was closer to having someone near enough to assist me in getting some of the items that I would like to sell into shape to offer for sale, either online or in some commercial setting.
Some of the suggestions I already know about and have avoided because in my experience they have been crooks. When Mavis sold the house that she and her husband owned, she had someone come in to hold an estate sale.
The prices they put on the items were much too low and she ended up with very little from the sale. It really bothered me. I have looked into consignment stores in the past, but they get 40% of the sale price which seems too high to recover a decent profit.
I really could use some knowledgeable assistance with this.



gl @ Dana Point, CA



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/16/2019 10:35PM by GeneL.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Diana
Date: August 09, 2019 07:10PM
People,

i have held off on saying anything, but some of the comments some have made makes me consider the reasons Mavis has been acting as she has. Some of the things that GeneL has said strike a chord with me and my current situation: my mom is 81 years old, and Mom has acted much as Mavis has been acting. I have considered for a while just keeping quiet, but I feel I have to put my suppositions out there. Perhaps it will help; if it doesn't, disregard what I say.

First, the acknowledgements and/or disclaimers: I am not a medical doctor; I am not a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or a minister, nor have I had any professional job that may bring me any insight into what is happening. I am only going with what I have personally observed in my life, what I have found out through asking those I have determined may actually know something, AND what GeneL has said to us. I have family members who have had to deal with long term care for incapacitated children, as well as what I found out while caring for my father as he succumbed to lung cancer. I certainly don't know everything, and I may be totally full of @#$%& and know nothing at all (most likely). I do not know GeneL nor Mavis. I am NOT a lawyer (never wanted to play one either). I have had to learn to be my mom's advocate as she navigates through her sunset years. My apologies if I step on anyone's toes here.

Here goes.

Mavis is 88 years old. She was born in a time where women didn't question what they were told; women were kept as close to child-like as possible, as their brains could not conceive nor process the harsher realities of life. I'm only saying this to remind those of us who may not have considered the ramifications of this. Good girls did as they were told; good girls behaved in certain ways; morally upright women are of a certain caliber, a certain way of thinking... The whole thing makes me want to scream. Mavis has always believed, deep down and unassailably, that others would be able to take care of her when she can no longer care for herself. There were things women were expected to be able to handle unsupervised, and the rest were things for men to take care of. Imagine what it would be like, to have lived your life with this imprinted on you, and then to suddenly have your life (your reality, actually) taken away from you! No wonder she's terrified. The support network of her family has decided to take a step into this, and now Mavis has to choose between the man she loves and who has been having health problems, and her family. The result of everything that Mavis has been taught throughout her life is that she will have to cling to the stronger of the two. At this time it appears that it is the family.

I am of two minds about the daughter. I can tell a bit from what we have already been told. Mavis has some money that can be used as Mavis continues to age and starts needing more care, more care than what the family can reasonably provide. That money can easily go to GeneL and his care if Mavis decides; after all, it is her money. So the daughter can be concerned that this is what is happening OR the daughter can be a money-grubbing so and so (I can't print what I am currently thinking) and she wants to ensure that HER share of the inheritance remains intact. The threat of Mavis not able to see her children, grandchildren, or great-grandchildren is heavy handed and designed to force Mavis to do what the daughter wants. I don't know if it is really the daughter, or someone else, but apparently they feel that such heavy handedness is necessary to either protect Mavis, or protect their own interests. Personally, it looks like their own interests.

If this was Oklahoma, and not California, I could tell you that the daughter has very little on her side. Mavis has not been diagnosed as having dementia (or any form of it); I can tell you that a brain scan can detect forms of dementia, as those forms involve physical changes to the brain that show up on said scans. As far as I know, a diagnostic brain scan for dementia or Alzheimers or any of the various other disease processes that mimic dementia has NOT been determined, much less in common use in geriatric patients. Anyway you consider a scan, it will involve comparing a previous scan with the new one, or (heaven forbid) comparing a current scan with a "representative" scan given her age. This may be what the daughter was aiming at during the "panic attack, wow, we need to scan mom's brain" thing. Or not. I don't know anything for sure. I do know that panic attacks don't equate to having to have one's brain scanned. Potential stroke? yeah.

As long as Mavis is of sound mind, can take care of herself in ordinary things, and remains cognizant of what is going on around her there is little the daughter, her husband, or anyone else can do. Unless and until Mavis is adjudged incompetent then this messy fight will continue. Make no mistake here, Mavis is a victim, and she is being terrorized by one person she probably never thought would do such a thing to her. She needs protection, and quickly before something irrevocable happens (such as signing away her rights and giving her daughter power of attorney over her).

Keep in mind that as people age, they become more child-like. This is an expected behavior of EVERYONE. As Mavis ages, she will also become more child-like; she needs help NOW to prevent anyone from taking advantage of her. Mavis doesn't fully know and may never fully know her own mind, and it is becoming easier for people to suggest to her things that may not be in her best interest. SCARED PEOPLE CAN'T THINK, and if she has been assaulted for enough time she will give up in exhaustion.

This is what I'm saying here: Mavis is an adult, of sound mind. She has the right to do what she wants, where she wants, when she wants, and how she wants, within the laws of this land, and NO ONE has the right to take it away from her.

GeneL, talk to a lawyer. The more I think about this situation, the more it begins to sound like this situation can easily begin to fall into elder abuse, especially if Mavis is as terrified as you have been describing. YOU have rights as well. Don't let someone else take way Mavis's rights (or yours) without damn good reason. The fact that Mavis cannot (or will not) stand up for herself, isn't good enough. Mavis needs an advocate (so do you, bucko!). Find one!

Good luck.

In case you missed it, go back and read the disclaimer above. Also, in case you are wondering, dear reader, I currently have medical power of attorney for Mom. It ONLY will be and can be invoked when or if Mom becomes incapacitated. Mom was terrified that the medical POA meant that I have complete control over her life, and that is just not so. Mom was also quite afraid that it meant that I could have her committed, and again, that cannot happen. The only thing it does is gives me control if/when Mom can't make decisions for herself, and will only make it easier for me to do what Mom wants if she can't do it for herself or be able to tell someone else what she wants.

I hope that all I have said concerning Mavis and GeneL is garbage, and if it is, please discard it, call me an idiot, and get on with your life. If it illuminates anything, then I have done my job.

Diana
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: mrlynn
Date: August 09, 2019 10:31PM
Howdy Gene—

The one thing you have not told us is why Mavis's daughter is threatening to cut her off from family contacts if you return. It is quite possible you may not know yourself, but you have to find out.

About the only thing I can suggest, not knowing any of you personally, is this: Get on the phone and talk to all of Mavis's children, and (if they are of age) the grandchildren. Explain what Mavis's daughter has done, and ask to them to intervene so you can go home. After all, if they are willing to help, then the daughter's threat will have no force, and Mavis's fear can be alleviated with reassurances from the rest of the family that they support your coming home.

If the rest of the family are behind Mavis and agree with her, then this avenue will be a dead end. Perhaps you have already tried it. But either way, let us know.

Others here have offered good advice re legal/professional services, etc. But it sounds like the key is Mavis's family itself.

First thing of course is to get over the pneumonia. Know that you have the support of this community, and keep your chin up.

/Mr Lynn



"Hillbilly at Harvard"
Honky-tonk Country and Bluegrass
Founded in 1948 by Pappy Ben Minnich
Saturdays 9am - 1pm Eastern
WHRB-FM, Cambridge, MA
Streaming at [www.WHRB.org]
Be there!

The HAH weblog: [hillbillyatharvard.wordpress.com]

Topical weblog: [walkingcreekworld.wordpress.com]

On the river in Saxonville.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: deckeda
Date: August 10, 2019 01:59PM
Well said, Diana. The part about women in that generation (hell, today's generation ... ) having a certain type of critical self image is 100% spot-on. The only time I ever got upset at my mom when she was dying of cancer was when she asked, "Why me? What have I done." I was visibly shaking at the thought of her blaming herself for her situation, it was such @#$%&.

Quote
GeneL
... Basically it seems she did that to prevent me from having any "interest" in the ownership of the condo.

Possible red flag, as was her unwillingness to divorce for "tax reasons" (Sorry, not buying that, especially year after year.)

Look Gene, I don't mean to question her motives over the years, and I get that the convenience of being a couple has helped you both. But there's room to additionally be smart and considerate about finances and commitment as well. That means not putting one of you out on the street.

Quote
GeneL
... Any of you who are parents may have experienced saying something or doing something that made your little child so upset with fear that they just crumbled in front of you because they didn't have the experience to deal with the situation. That is what it felt like to me when Mavis described her fear of what would happen if she let me come home.

I just couldn't stand to bring out that terrified feeling that I saw, so I have backed off. I don't want to hurt her because I love her, so I am stuck, not able to get her to protect herself and not able to bring legal remedies into the situation.

As a parent I've done and said things that were unpleasant because it's not my job to be "their friend" all the time and to please them. Same goes for a companion. Every friend deserves an honest assessment. You asked, we're answering. As friends. Mavis wants help. Seems like you're in the best position to do it.

If you think the daughter is acting out of line to the detriment of both of you, I'd wager 33-some years of commitment gives you every damn right to tell her where to go and how to get there. It's not "emotion" or "meanness," just behavior needing modification. Or act guilty and you'll surely be it.

This is as much about you as it is Mavis. I get the strong sense she's a conflict avoider. Probably you both are. There are dire consequences for not standing up for yourself, and it limits the amount of outside assistance you'll perhaps see.

1) Take care of immediate needs
2) Make the calls already suggested.

3) Talk to the estate and auction houses. Yes they'll be expensive but the alternative is to get nothing. Please, I hope you take this in the spirit intended, but if multiple friends here tell you that estate or auction houses take a big cut but that there are obvious benefits to doing so, please don't then respond about a story years ago where you declined to go that route because of how little they pay. That seriously diminishes the sober and helpful input we've provided, and that you've asked for, yes?

4) I also really like the idea of reaching out to every child and grandchild. Be simple and straight to the point. If you have info to share, share it. If you have questions about the daughter, let ALL of them know you and Mavis have been left in the dark. Let them know the daughter has done X, Y, and Z without explanation to either you or to Mavis. It's time to let the family know the daughter is an asshat and that lives are at stake. This passive-agressive B.S. about withholding love (of kids/grandkids) for an unnamed power play only flies if you set it free.

If I'm wrong please let me know and I'll shut up as misunderstanding and misreading the situation.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Diana
Date: August 10, 2019 02:47PM
Exactly!

Diana

Quote
deckeda
Well said, Diana. The part about women in that generation (hell, today's generation ... ) having a certain type of critical self image is 100% spot-on. The only time I ever got upset at my mom when she was dying of cancer was when she asked, "Why me? What have I done." I was visibly shaking at the thought of her blaming herself for her situation, it was such @#$%&.

Quote
GeneL
... Basically it seems she did that to prevent me from having any "interest" in the ownership of the condo.

Possible red flag, as was her unwillingness to divorce for "tax reasons" (Sorry, not buying that, especially year after year.)

Look Gene, I don't mean to question her motives over the years, and I get that the convenience of being a couple has helped you both. But there's room to additionally be smart and considerate about finances and commitment as well. That means not putting one of you out on the street.

Quote
GeneL
... Any of you who are parents may have experienced saying something or doing something that made your little child so upset with fear that they just crumbled in front of you because they didn't have the experience to deal with the situation. That is what it felt like to me when Mavis described her fear of what would happen if she let me come home.

I just couldn't stand to bring out that terrified feeling that I saw, so I have backed off. I don't want to hurt her because I love her, so I am stuck, not able to get her to protect herself and not able to bring legal remedies into the situation.

As a parent I've done and said things that were unpleasant because it's not my job to be "their friend" all the time and to please them. Same goes for a companion. Every friend deserves an honest assessment. You asked, we're answering. As friends. Mavis wants help. Seems like you're in the best position to do it.

If you think the daughter is acting out of line to the detriment of both of you, I'd wager 33-some years of commitment gives you every damn right to tell her where to go and how to get there. It's not "emotion" or "meanness," just behavior needing modification. Or act guilty and you'll surely be it.

This is as much about you as it is Mavis. I get the strong sense she's a conflict avoider. Probably you both are. There are dire consequences for not standing up for yourself, and it limits the amount of outside assistance you'll perhaps see.

1) Take care of immediate needs
2) Make the calls already suggested.

3) Talk to the estate and auction houses. Yes they'll be expensive but the alternative is to get nothing. Please, I hope you take this in the spirit intended, but if multiple friends here tell you that estate or auction houses take a big cut but that there are obvious benefits to doing so, please don't then respond about a story years ago where you declined to go that route because of how little they pay. That seriously diminishes the sober and helpful input we've provided, and that you've asked for, yes?

4) I also really like the idea of reaching out to every child and grandchild. Be simple and straight to the point. If you have info to share, share it. If you have questions about the daughter, let ALL of them know you and Mavis have been left in the dark. Let them know the daughter has done X, Y, and Z without explanation to either you or to Mavis. It's time to let the family know the daughter is an asshat and that lives are at stake. This passive-agressive B.S. about withholding love (of kids/grandkids) for an unnamed power play only flies if you set it free.

If I'm wrong please let me know and I'll shut up as misunderstanding and misreading the situation.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 11, 2019 02:18AM
Today was a bad day for me.
Mavis came to visit me in the hospital. She had been in a bad mood and started in on me with a litany that she has used to demean me, over the years. She went on and on how she had paid the rent and I hadn't contributed anything. She has beaten me up with this many times in the past, when she was feeling frustrated with other things in her life.
She completely drops out the contributions that I've made and that she has always turned down my offers to give her money towards the bills.
There was nothing that I could do to get past her mood, so she left to go home and I was left feeling hurt and alone.
All the suggestions that have been offered suddenly seem to have no relevance for me.
For one thing, based on my direct experience with an estate sale, there's no way that I would go that route.
I have sold items successfully on Craig's List in the past and, of course, I've had years of experience selling at a swap meet. On top of that, I recently have seen a number of websites that offer ways to buy and sell items.
My original thought in posting was to see if I could find anyone from the forum that could assist me in selling my items online.
I feel that I have to do my best to sell my "stuff" directly by whatever means are available.
I had been hoping that some members from the forum would be close enough to pitch in with some time and expertise, so that I can at least break the ice and find some buyers for my items.
Right now, I am so discouraged that I don't even want to go on like this.
I appreciate all the input, but I think you should see that the main ingredient has been missing.
I feel all alone and I need actual friends that do things with me.
In the past, that's what I experienced with friends. Unfortunately, it seems that virtual friends don't seem to cut it like friends that are around when you need them.
I hate to say this, but I am so down that I have thoughts that I wish I wouldn't wake up in the morning.
There's just been too many disappointments lately.



gl @ Dana Point, CA
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Speedy
Date: August 11, 2019 03:14AM
I’m sorry to hear how the visit with Mavis turned out.



Saint Cloud, Minnesota, where the weather is wonderful even when it isn't.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: 3d
Date: August 11, 2019 06:57AM
"Mavis is 87, frail in some ways, but sharp as a tack."
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: mrbigstuff
Date: August 11, 2019 11:05AM
Gene, you need to make the effort to call those organizations that were noted in the earlier emails. If you can't do so yourself, the suggestion was made to have the hospital advocate do so for you. Of course, no one knows exactly how that will turn out for you, but you should try that and report back. That is your homework for this week, starting Monday morning. Tell us how what they tell you.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: rgG
Date: August 11, 2019 11:28AM
Quote
mrbigstuff
Gene, you need to make the effort to call those organizations that were noted in the earlier emails. If you can't do so yourself, the suggestion was made to have the hospital advocate do so for you. Of course, no one knows exactly how that will turn out for you, but you should try that and report back. That is your homework for this week, starting Monday morning. Tell us how what they tell you.

This, this, this.

Focus on getting some help from a real person at the hospital, then you can deal with selling your stuff.

People here are willing to help, but most do not live close enough to physically help you sell your stuff.





Roswell, GA (Atlanta suburb)
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: bfd
Date: August 11, 2019 03:41PM
Does Gene have any living family?
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: rgG
Date: August 11, 2019 05:11PM
Quote
bfd
Does Gene have any living family?

I asked that earlier, also, but he did not say.





Roswell, GA (Atlanta suburb)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/11/2019 05:12PM by rgG.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 11, 2019 06:12PM
I have a son who lives in Thousand Oaks, California.
He refuses to assist me!
He as gone from being loving to being angry with me for things that he now feels I hurt his feelings. He responds to my telling him of some of the many things that that I did for him that they were "for me!"
Among the many, many things that I sacrificed to give him was a early 1980's Mac that cost me $3000.He was going away to University of Pennsylvania on a scholarship and I felt that this would really help him.
There was so much more, but now he just refuses to acknowledge any of the loving genorousity that I showed him.
So, another reason why I feel so lost right now.



gl @ Dana Point, CA
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 11, 2019 06:20PM
Another point that I want to make is that I have called and called the various agencies and social workers and most of what they have offered were "referrals" and not of any real help to me. I have called and called and the only real helpful result was my psychologist finding me a place that I could afford. Unfortunately, it is so tiny that it can only be a short term stop gap, particularly because I can't have Precious with me.



gl @ Dana Point, CA
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: rgG
Date: August 11, 2019 06:30PM
Quote
GeneL
Another point that I want to make is that I have called and called the various agencies and social workers and most of what they have offered were "referrals" and not of any real help to me. I have called and called and the only real helpful result was my psychologist finding me a place that I could afford. Unfortunately, it is so tiny that it can only be a short term stop gap, particularly because I can't have Precious with me.

Take it at least for the short term
Sell your stuff while there, for the short term, then hopefully get enough money to move.

Sorry about your situation with your son.





Roswell, GA (Atlanta suburb)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/11/2019 06:32PM by rgG.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: spacescape
Date: August 12, 2019 08:18AM
I'm at work and don't have time to read through all of this but I'm so sorry for what you are going through GeneL. She owns the condo outright? You lived there for 20 years? Even though it's in her name did you "assist" in making that happen? If so, make sure you document or show that you "helped" pay off the condo.

Doesn't sound like you want to make waves but you need to make sure you have a safe place to live. Sounds like her daughter is a bully and wants the $$$$. Was she married at one time? Did he pass away or did they divorce? Because she probably feels that she's entitled to what was mom and her fathers. If you are fine with that and that's what your g/f wants for her daughter maybe it's just as simple as drawing up paperwork that you and your family wouldn't get anything from Mavis in the end.

My "ex-brother in law" and his family were furious when his father got remarried within a very short period of time after his moms passing. It was his "old fling" from before he was married. She and her kids got TONS of his parents money when he passed away.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 12, 2019 02:01PM
Sadly, the response that I had been looking for has eluded me.
Thank you everyone for the kind thoughts and words, but so far no one who lives close enough to me has offered to assist me.
Not having an extra pair of hands is my biggest hindrance and therefore my biggest need.
I guess that I have to move on to find something that works for me.
It seems pointless to seek the kind of support that I was looking for here on the forum.
Oh well...

I'm so discouraged... sigh



gl @ Dana Point, CA
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Todd's keyboard
Date: August 12, 2019 04:57PM
GeneL (and all),

If I were local, I'd be happy to help out.

As others have mentioned, you might find an e-bay broker useful. I can't recommend any personally. Searching "ebay consignment sellers" brings up some options.

Wish you the best.

Todd's long-distance keyboard
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: ArtP
Date: August 12, 2019 06:00PM
I just googled this - I don't have time to do personally but maybe someone can watch and possibly tackle?

Youtube - How to Set Up a Go Fund Me Account

EDIT: Does it even have to be a big GoFundMe campaign?

How many would feel comfortable sending a few bucks directly via CashApp or Paypal if GeneL needed and it helped.

The digital equivalent of putting paper money in a sheet of loose leaf paper and snail mailing?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/12/2019 06:04PM by ArtP.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: wowzer
Date: August 12, 2019 09:41PM
I’m sorry to hear about your situation, Gene. I hope that things will turn around. It’s sad to see children take advantage of a parent...which I sometimes see in the ER. I call protective services, but it always is complicated as the parent wants to please their child. Just remember that you’ve got people online who care about you (and known you for 20+ years). My thoughts are with you.



All I ever really needed to know, I learned from watching Star Trek.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 12, 2019 10:16PM
Thank you, wowzer



gl @ Dana Point, CA
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Carnos Jax
Date: August 13, 2019 01:08AM
Quote
ArtP
How many would feel comfortable sending a few bucks directly via CashApp or Paypal if GeneL needed and it helped.

The digital equivalent of putting paper money in a sheet of loose leaf paper and snail mailing?

I would.

P.S. - I wish I could help with the 'extra hands' part, as I have enough free time on my hands. But being so far away, not much I can do. If GeneL or anyone thinks of anything that can be done from afar, I'd be more than glad to help.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/13/2019 01:11AM by Carnos Jax.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: mrlynn
Date: August 13, 2019 08:13AM
Gene—

Your report of the visit with Mavis two days ago doesn't tell us why the daughter is against you (others here have suggested protecting her inheritance, but that is speculation). Now it appears Mavis has turned against you as well, raising the additional question whether that's her own decision, or whether the daughter has unduly influenced her. From your description of her "litany that she has used to demean me, over the years," it sounds like she has long harbored resentment of your dependence.

Well, there is no way for us to know the history of your relationship with her, aside from the clues you have given. As for selling off your collectibles, would it be possible for you to make contact with your son and ask for his help? Sometimes evident need can help heal rifts and lead to reconciliation.

/Mr Lynn
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: mikebw
Date: August 13, 2019 09:25AM
Gene, I don't mean to come down hard on you, but it almost sounds like you don't want to be helped unless it is the perfect solution that you have come up with in your mind.

Take the room that that psychologist found for you when you run out of time at the hospital. That is your way out. Move on from there.

As fas a go fund me, anyone can create a fund with GeneL as the beneficiary, and would need only his email address to initiate the process of transferring the funds raised.

Quote
GoFundMe
This article is a guide for GoFundMe beneficiaries that have been added to an account by an organizer.

How a beneficiary account works
When an organizer adds a beneficiary, an email invitation is sent asking them to claim the beneficiary account. Once the beneficiary has accepted that invitation, a separate but linked GoFundMe account is created for them. The beneficiary can then access the funds and request a withdrawal while still allowing the campaign organizer to manage all other aspects of the campaign.

Here's how to receive funds from a campaign created for you:

Check your email for the invitation that the campaign organizer should have sent you
Select "Accept Money" within the invitation email
Set up their GoFundMe password and create your account
Confirm your email using a 2nd separate message that is sent to you
Log back in to GoFundMe and follow the steps to receive the funds
Important information after you've accepted your beneficiary invitation:

As the beneficiary, you’ll have sole access to the funds raised on your campaign.
You'll need to withdraw the funds within 30 days of the day the first donation was made, or the GoFundMe will stop accepting new donations entirely.
You will also be able to use your own email address and password to access the beneficiary account and make changes to your withdrawal settings (such as updating your bank account).

[support.gofundme.com]-
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: space-time
Date: August 13, 2019 11:49AM
sorry to hear about your troubles. I am in NJ so too far to help and even if you were closer, family job, kids, personal problems leaves very little time for me to be able to help someone else these days. But I will be able to make a small cash contribution, if there is paypal account or go fund me campaign.

Also, the fact the Mavis refused any financial help with the bill over the past 20-30 years you have been together and he was paying the mortgage makes me wonder if she was insecure about your relationship and wanted to have a clean exit at some point.

Also surprised that your Son does not want to help. That sucks.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: JoeM
Date: August 13, 2019 06:41PM
GeneL, sorry I am getting to read some of this post late. My thought with your immediate concern of selling your collectables and needing some extra hands to help would be through something a number of seniors in my town take advantage of.

The town and the local churches here provide seniors with "Helping Hands" assistance in the form of parishioners, residents and young people that donate time to help seniors with various needs, when they are not capable of doing things themselves. This could be anything from cleaning out a room or basement, carrying a dresser up or out of their apartment, doing errands, etc. Maybe your town or local church has a similar program where you can meet some new people and get help with your collectables sale.

I'm sorry to learn of the personal problems you've had with family and SO and really hope things work out for you soon and wish you. Best of luck!



JoeM
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: testcase
Date: August 13, 2019 11:07PM
Isn't CA the "Palimony" state? If GeneL has lived with Mavis for such a long time, I suspect he's entitled to some of her largess (since she has it and GeneL needs it). If an Elder Care attorney can't seem to help, perhaps a Divorce attorney should be consulted. old fogey smiley
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 13, 2019 11:49PM
testcase, because Mavis never got a divorce, I think don't think that I would have any standing.
Also, because Mavis didn't let me contribute to the cost of the condo, I don't think that I have any legal rights.



gl @ Dana Point, CA
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: wave rider
Date: August 14, 2019 12:57AM
Quote
GeneL
testcase, because Mavis never got a divorce, I think don't think that I would have any standing.
Also, because Mavis didn't let me contribute to the cost of the condo, I don't think that I have any legal rights.

Best practice is not to assume before investigating. I like that idea about senior law assistance. Hang in there Gene.



=wr=
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 14, 2019 01:10AM
Thank you, =wr=!



gl @ Dana Point, CA
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: testcase
Date: August 14, 2019 08:05AM
" don't think that I would have any standing"

You might be VERY surprised GeneL. It's certainly worth a phone call or two. We're talking about PALimony; NOT spousal support. Lee Marvin's "squeeze" got a payday and I doubt she had spent anywhere close to twenty years with him. You don't ask, you don't get.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Dennis R
Date: August 14, 2019 10:37AM
Hi Gene! I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I have no advice or any way to offer help but Patty and I are keeping you in our thoughts and prayers.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Bill in NC
Date: August 14, 2019 01:57PM
Quote
testcase
" don't think that I would have any standing"

You might be VERY surprised GeneL. It's certainly worth a phone call or two. We're talking about PALimony; NOT spousal support. Lee Marvin's "squeeze" got a payday and I doubt she had spent anywhere close to twenty years with him. You don't ask, you don't get.

Lee Marvin's girlfriend got bupkis, as do most trying to claim in the absence of a provable contract:

[en.wikipedia.org]

GeneL might have tenant rights...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/14/2019 01:59PM by Bill in NC.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: space-time
Date: August 14, 2019 07:13PM
So if he sues Mavis to be able to get some financial support or let him come home, do you think he would be able to see her suffer and would he feel welcome there?
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 15, 2019 12:17AM
Not suing Mavis!

At the same time I am devastated that I don't have her support in dealing with my "situation" of not having a place to live and not having enough money to rent one.
I couldn't treat her the way she is treating me.
My feelings for her wouldn't allow me to let her face this crazy situation by herself.
I feel stymied every way I turn, but suing her doesn't come to my mind as a solution.

I am feeling so lost...



gl @ Dana Point, CA
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: MrNoBody
Date: August 15, 2019 03:18AM
OK, based on GeneL’s sig; he’s in Orange County just south of LA.
That rules out us MRF members east of the Sierra Nevadas to physically
assist him. As evidenced by the posts, we would all help with financial
help but that is not going to resolve the underlying issues.
What’s not clear, has our friend GeneL contacted local agencies for any
guidance? One thing CA isn’t lacking in is government offices to help seniors.

A quick duckduckgo search gives the following for
Orange County, CA government offices providing Senior Services:
[www.ocgov.com] (Senior Financial Assistance)
[www.officeonaging.ocgov.com] (Office on Aging)
[www.ocgov.com] (County’s Main Website)

There's many more, too many to list!

Additionally, Gene if you are a Veteran there are literally dozens of organizations
that can help you for free!

Please let us know who you contact and any progress made.

(please excuse my disjointed syntax, it's 0400 and I'm not fully awake.)



N39° 39.7234', W075° 33.9788'
...word salad is not a disorder, it is a symptom...

“If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself.”
-Albert Einstein





Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/15/2019 03:25AM by MrNoBody.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: rz
Date: August 15, 2019 10:00AM
Quote
mikebw
Gene, I don't mean to come down hard on you, but it almost sounds like you don't want to be helped unless it is the perfect solution that you have come up with in your mind.

This. It reminds me of when he wanted to get a new mac a few years ago. Lots and lots of advice from everyone, but I don't think he ever followed any of it. Gene: have you contacted any of the resources that have been suggested?
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 15, 2019 01:24PM
rz, the last thing that I need now is criticism.
Yes, I have spent hours over days and weeks calling agencies and organizations, but all the effort that I made failed to produce a usable result.
On top of the difficulty I've had finding a decent place to live, I have ended up back in the hospital a number of times.
Most recently, when Mavis picked me up from dialysis I managed to walk to the car, sat down and then I have no recollection of what happened next. Mavis told me that as soon as I was seated in the car I began to shake violently. Realizing that something was wrong, she drove me to the hospital. My next recollection was the next day! I was told that I came in with a 103° fever due to pneumonia and a common cold. The entire period from sitting down in the car was a total blank. I have been in the hospital since.
What you may not realize is how very difficult it is for me to find a place to stay and to deal with moving all of my "things" into a suitable place. I can't drive myself to the condo. I can't manage to pack up everything to move it all by myself, especially since I am still dealing with the impairment resulting from my hospital stay. There's so much to do that I just cannot do by myself alone.
It's been suggested that there may be volunteer resources that could fill the gaps in what I need to accomplish, such as moving my possessions out of the condo. I will have to make calls to see if I can find what I need.
In the meantime I am having difficulty with my discharge from the hospital. The case manager never came to see me about where I am supposed to go, until late in the day.
I have to deal with this, so I will continue working on the next steps once my immediate needs are in place.
I've said it before, I am feeling very overwhelmed by what is happening.



gl @ Dana Point, CA
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Buzz
Date: August 15, 2019 06:53PM
One thing CA isn’t lacking in is government offices to help seniors.

The problem here (in Cali), is that virtually ALL the money is spent lining bureaucrats' pockets, and maintaining the image of helping people. The reality is, that very few of us old and disabled folks ever get any meaningful help. In the absence of family assistance, Gene needs an advocate, or two, or three, that can pester the heck out of the supposed resources, or a seriously big pile of cash to pay people to take care of his needs.

The southern coastal parts of this state are wonderful, as long as you can afford it. There are plenty of factions working to get rid of the poor old-timers that are foolish enough to want to stick around in the face of the adversity the richer, and the overpaid bureaucrats continually create and perpetuate. The best solution may be finding a more affordable area to live, where they can appreciate the wisdom of older folks, not look at them/us with disdain while trying to figure out ways to benefit themselves at the expense of others.
==
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: morlock
Date: August 16, 2019 01:41AM
I'm sorry. I'm only a couple hours away, but chemo's hitting me pretty hard and I am not able. My father (hoarder) is trying to sell stuff on Craigslist, but even if I was up to it, there is no market for Ebikes held together with duct tape or MG parts.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Bernie
Date: August 16, 2019 05:06AM
Quote
GeneL
rz, the last thing that I need now is criticism.

What you may not realize is how very difficult it is for me to find a place to stay and to deal with moving all of my "things" into a suitable place.

I have to deal with this, so I will continue working on the next steps once my immediate needs are in place.
I've said it before, I am feeling very overwhelmed by what is happening.

Have been lurking here with no answers. GeneL, you are a lovestruck gentleman.
This is what I would attempt.

1) Get well.
2) Your stuff is Mavis's problem.
3) Plan a vacation. Invite Mavis.






Staunton, Virginia
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 16, 2019 05:31AM
morlock, so many years ago I was diagnosed with melanoma. I was living by myself in Manhattan, my mother having died from cancer and my father had remarried and moved to Denver.
I found myself sitting in front of a surgeon who told me that if I had an operation I might live.
Of course I had the surgery and here I am sixty years later, all the anguish that I felt then long forgotten.
That you could joke about what your father wants to sell on Craigslist reminds me that I have always done my best to keep a sense of humor whenever I I have been faced with difficult times.
I will do my best to keep that thought in front of me as I stumble through my present trials.
What you are going through will not be forgotten by me. Thank you for reminding me to think past my current challenges.



gl @ Dana Point, CA
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 16, 2019 05:37AM
Bernie and Buzz, I appreciate what each of you wrote. Buzz for the points that you made and Bernie for putting things in perspective.
Thank you!



gl @ Dana Point, CA
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Janit
Date: August 16, 2019 06:53AM
Surviving to a respectable age on this planet is no picnic.

Many people never realize the depth of the issues involved until they become old themselves, or until they undertake the thankless task of shepherding an elderly relative through a social system that pays lip-service to caring for the elderly, but which largely fails in the implementation.

GeneL, I am sorry for your troubles. It must be a terrible shock to have your life pulled out from under you like this.

You haven't really given us much insight into Mavis' grandchildren. Have you had a good relationship with them in the past, or do they align themselves without question with their mother (Mavis' daughter)?
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: deckeda
Date: August 16, 2019 09:00AM
Quote
Bernie
1) Get well.
2) Your stuff is Mavis's problem.
3) Plan a vacation. Invite Mavis.


YES!
Options:  Reply • Quote
Sorry, only registered users may post in this forum.

Click here to login

Online Users

Guests: 277
Record Number of Users: 52 on November 20, 2014
Record Number of Guests: 2330 on October 25, 2018