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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: space-time
Date: August 16, 2019 08:06PM
3) Plan a vacation. Invite Mavis.

Why? it seems like she does not really love him anymore, if she allows him to suffer like this. Clearly he lover her, but it seem it is a one way love.
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Buzz
Date: August 16, 2019 10:00PM
Space-
Pretty sure the idea is to get Gene and Mavis away from the controlling appendages of Mavis's daughter, so that Gene and Mavis can work through things without any interference.

There are too many interests that are way out of alignment. Gotta start with the principals, by themselves, so that they can figure out wazzup without Daughter Dearest, et al, chiming in during that process.
==
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Bernie
Date: August 17, 2019 04:14AM
Quote
Buzz
Space-
Pretty sure the idea is to get Gene and Mavis away from the controlling appendages of Mavis's daughter, so that Gene and Mavis can work through things without any interference.

There are too many interests that are way out of alignment. Gotta start with the principals, by themselves, so that they can figure out wazzup without Daughter Dearest, et al, chiming in during that process.
==
agree smiley




Staunton, Virginia
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: deckeda
Date: August 17, 2019 09:35AM
Quote
space-time
3) Plan a vacation. Invite Mavis.

Why? it seems like she does not really love him anymore, if she allows him to suffer like this. Clearly he lover her, but it seem it is a one way love.

The other thing #3 does is act to confirm or deny a commitment. (From either, if you think about it.) Relationships can go through all sorts of tests, subtle or overt. All can be legit.
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: 3d
Date: August 17, 2019 04:37PM
Let's imagine the genders were reversed.
A +80 year old man locked a +80 year old woman out of the apartment they shared for +25 years while she was in the hospital. She is now homeless and left to fend for herself with no income and no savings.
Would you tell the woman to plan a vacation and invite the man? You guys are insane.
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 17, 2019 08:56PM
Quote
3d
Let's imagine the genders were reversed.
A +80 year old man locked a +80 year old woman out of the apartment they shared for +25 years while she was in the hospital. She is now homeless and left to fend for herself with no income and no savings.
Would you tell the woman to plan a vacation and invite the man? You guys are insane.

smiley-laughing001



gl @ Dana Point, CA
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 18, 2019 06:31AM
I just had a perfect example of how fouled up my life is.
I was lying here in the dark, unable to sleep.
I decided to fill in some of the gaps that had been either asked about or misconstrued.
I had written quite a bit when suddenly I lost it all!
It's already 4:30 in the morning, so I am going to put my phone down and see how I feel after a little sleep.



gl @ Dana Point, CA
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: deckeda
Date: August 18, 2019 11:20AM
Well 3d, people tend to give suggestions based on available information and circumstances. Let's hear yours.
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: ADent
Date: August 19, 2019 12:18AM
Hope you get better soon.

Don't let the turkeys keep you down.
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 20, 2019 07:06AM
I really hate to say this, but I am terrified because of all my inability to do deal with all the sudden and dramatic changes that I am faced with.
I have been doing my best to cope with needing to find a place to live, but there's been nothing available for the meager income that I have.
In the past, I have been doing something that paid enough for me to have a comfortable place to live. Now I am finding myself unable to afford a place that will allow me to soften the shock of being cut off from the place where I "nested" for twenty years.
So much of my difficulty is emotional. I am finding that at 81 I don't have the resilience to adapt that I've had in the past.
Having been ill and hospitalized for six months I hadn't even considered that I would be locked out of the place that I called home for the last twenty years.
I have appreciated the kind words and suggestions that I have received, but I have come full circle to the point where kind words aren't enough to get me past the dead end that I've come to.
I have exhausted all of my ideas and energy and I just don't know what I am going to do.
I'm on borrowed time as far as remaining in the hospital and I don't know where I am going to go from here.
Outside of a miracle, I don't have any idea what I can do to make my life bearable. No place to live, no relationship that I can count on, there seems to be nothing else for me. I seem to have lost the spark that in the past I would call on when I was faced with a tough situation.
I don't know how I can go on like this.



gl @ Dana Point, CA
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: MrNoBody
Date: August 20, 2019 08:40AM
What do I do when my love is away?
(Does it worry you to be alone?)
How do I feel by the end of the day?
(Are you sad because you're on your own?)

No, I get by with a little help from my friends
I get high with a little help from my friends
Gonna try with a little help from my friends


You have a lot of friends here, GeneL emoticon_love



N39° 39.7234', W075° 33.9788'
...word salad is not a disorder, it is a symptom...

“If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself.”
-Albert Einstein

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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Blankity Blank
Date: August 20, 2019 09:27AM
Ask to see a therapist; you’re sounding overwhelmed and lost. Until you get your equilibrium back everything else is going to be ten times harder. That spark is still the. You reached out. You’re looking for answers. Even superstars have coaches. Find yours.

You mentioned earlier that one of your resources there has found a place you could afford, but that it was far from perfect. Big boy pants, Gene, sometimes the first steps out of a hole aren’t pretty.

You’ve been around the block, brother, I don’t need to tell you life is full of changes big and small. One phone call and four months was all it took to turn my world inside out. Last man standing. No family. No kids. My only best friend just lost to me down a riptide of mental health issues. Health is a grab bag of potholes, some self imposed, some chronic, some luck of the draw and a few of them brand spanking new and scarier than hell. Poor me.

We’ve got to stand on the two good feet god gave us, survey the land and carry on rebuilding. Bend, but don’t break. I know you’re in my corner, cheering me on every damn hard step of the way. Right back at’cha Gene. From me and a whole two tons of folks here. Let’s do this.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/20/2019 09:33AM by Blankity Blank.
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: mrbigstuff
Date: August 20, 2019 11:00AM
Well said, Blankity. I think you may have a new career as a life coach.
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Yoyodyne ArtWorks
Date: August 20, 2019 04:56PM
Gene, is there any kind of agency/organization that could hook you up with retirees looking for a roommate? That could dramatically reduce your housing costs, and maybe provide someone to socialize with as well. Just a thought...



Once we place nonhuman animals outside our sphere of moral consideration
and treat them as things we use to satisfy our own desires,
the outcome is predictable.

- Peter Singer
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 20, 2019 05:32PM
Quote
Yoyodyne ArtWorks
Gene, is there any kind of agency/organization that could hook you up with retirees looking for a roommate? That could dramatically reduce your housing costs, and maybe provide someone to socialize with as well. Just a thought...

Not that I know of, unfortunately. Something like that could be helpful, but I am not aware of any.



gl @ Dana Point, CA
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Buzz
Date: August 20, 2019 08:58PM
Quote
GeneL
Quote
Yoyodyne ArtWorks
Gene, is there any kind of agency/organization that could hook you up with retirees looking for a roommate? That could dramatically reduce your housing costs, and maybe provide someone to socialize with as well. Just a thought...

Not that I know of, unfortunately. Something like that could be helpful, but I am not aware of any.

Laguna Woods, and more specifically, Laguna Woods Village (which makes up most of the town), is a retirement community just barely spitting distance from Gene's old digs at Dana Point. The main number for Laguna Woods Village is (949) 597-4600. Probably the best place to start a local roommate hunt.
Good luck.
==
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 20, 2019 09:30PM
Laguna Woods was one of the first and most obvious places for me to look. Unfortunately, I found that sharing was against their rules???



gl @ Dana Point, CA
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Drew
Date: August 20, 2019 11:33PM
I did a quick Google search for "Laguna Woods Village sharing" and got some websites of people looking for roommates. I don't live anywhere near there and know nothing about the place, but just wanted to mention it.
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: ArtP
Date: August 20, 2019 11:49PM
Quote
Drew
I did a quick Google search for "Laguna Woods Village sharing" and got some websites of people looking for roommates. I don't live anywhere near there and know nothing about the place, but just wanted to mention it.

https://www.roommates.com/ca/laguna-woods

Not sure how it works?
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Buzz
Date: August 20, 2019 11:50PM
Pretty sure that sharing can't legally be "ruled" against in all of its forms. If two oldies are living there, and one dies, and the survivor needs another person to share costs, there's no law in the land that's gonna completely prevent that. Laguna Woods may have advertising restrictions, but that's just another hurdle to overcome, it's far from an absolute barrier. I've known several people that have shared costs there, so I know it's plenty doable. I don't have a clue what advertising restrictions may exist, but there are plenty of ways to spread the word. Sure, there may a rule against posting a "roommate wanted" ad on the village bulletin boards, but that's not the only option. Keep trying.
==
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 21, 2019 01:09AM
I had been checking rentals in my area for months and everything that came up was too expensive for me.
I did just check once again and it was the same story. Too expensive...
I have sent a deposit on the 10x10 room ($725/Mo) sight unseen, except for one picture. It appeared to be "within reason" considering that it was, at least, a room to myself.
It brings me to tears, when I think about the home that I've had with Mavis.
Thanks again for the additional posts, even though they weren't productive.
You can get an idea of what it has been like as I churned the "possibilities" for day after day, for the last three months.
I just wonder what will become of Precious if I can't find a place that will allow me to keep her with me? It is so heartbreaking.



gl @ Dana Point, CA
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Blankity Blank
Date: August 21, 2019 10:06AM
Precious is a cat, yes? If you are not allowed a pet, and you do not feel comfortable entrusting Precious to Mavis, you might try contacting a pet foster care program. Your situation would be atypical from the usual circumstance they deal with, but if they can not accommodate you, perhaps they can guide you in another direction.

Another suggestion I’ve heard is to contact your vet. They are not infrequently approached by clients looking for pets. If you explain your situation of needing a temporary home for Precious, they may have, or hear from, someone who can help.

Here’s a start:
Orange County Animal Services Foster Care Program
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Janit
Date: August 21, 2019 10:56AM
Quote
Blankity Blank
Precious is a cat, yes? If you are not allowed a pet, and you do not feel comfortable entrusting Precious to Mavis, you might try contacting a pet foster care program. Your situation would be atypical from the usual circumstance they deal with, but if they can not accommodate you, perhaps they can guide you in another direction.

Another suggestion I’ve heard is to contact your vet. They are not infrequently approached by clients looking for pets. If you explain your situation of needing a temporary home for Precious, they may have, or hear from, someone who can help.

Here’s a start:
Orange County Animal Services Foster Care Program

I believe Precious is a bird.
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: NewtonMP2100
Date: August 21, 2019 11:02AM
.....this is just a comment (not judgement) but I can't comprehend how someone/partner that one has spent 10+ years with suddenly tosses the other person out......literally in the street......and that person is ill to boot.......



____________________________________________________

I reject your reality and substitute my own!
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: macphanatic
Date: August 21, 2019 11:17AM
Can Precious be deemed a comfort companion or whatever is the buzzword these days?
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Bill in NC
Date: August 21, 2019 11:52AM
Quote
NewtonMP2100
.....this is just a comment (not judgement) but I can't comprehend how someone/partner that one has spent 10+ years with suddenly tosses the other person out......literally in the street......and that person is ill to boot.......

Mom never got divorced...other man living with mom...kids looking for the earliest opportunity to get rid of the interloper (in their view)
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Blankity Blank
Date: August 21, 2019 01:05PM
Quote
Bill in NC
Quote
NewtonMP2100
.....this is just a comment (not judgement) but I can't comprehend how someone/partner that one has spent 10+ years with suddenly tosses the other person out......literally in the street......and that person is ill to boot.......

Mom never got divorced...other man living with mom...kids looking for the earliest opportunity to get rid of the interloper (in their view)

And, if we’re to be honest, we’re only hearing one view of what is in all likelihood a very complex and nuanced situation.
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: $tevie
Date: August 22, 2019 01:02AM
I only know about this company because I have a friend who shops their local online auctions. You have to go physically pick up the merchandise in the Baltimore auctions. No idea if this is always the case in other areas. She has found them very pleasant to deal with. It might be worth reading the web site and learning more about them:
[www.caringtransitionsorangecoast.com]

Quote

Caring Transitions of Orange Coast is Here to Help.

Any life transition can bring stress whether you're an empty nester ready to downsize, moving into a senior community or assisted living, relocating for work, or anything in between. At Caring Transitions of Orange Coast, we strive to minimize the stress of rightsizing or relocating by focusing on the planning part of the move so you can focus on your next phase of life.

Relocation
Relying on a team of relocation specialists can ease anxiety that naturally comes with relocating. From older adults to executives to couples going through a divorce, we bring compassion to the moving process. Learn more.

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Sorting through precious belongings, knowing what to keep, sell or donate, can be difficult – especially when they’re your own possessions. Our experts at Caring Transitions of Orange Coast will help you right-size your belongings with the utmost respect. Learn more.

Estate Sales & Online Auctions
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 22, 2019 01:53AM
I really do appreciate all the kind thoughts that you all have continued to post.
I hate to say that it just gets harder for me to find anything in the words that can overcome the feeling of being all alone.
I went back to dialysis today as an outpatient and Mavis came to pick me up to have a bite to eat when I was done.
We stayed close by because I was still exhausted from my illness and lack of sleep.
I, once again, told Mavis how hard it was for me not to be able to just go home and be together. She said that she misses me as well and feels really sad about our being apart. I know that she means it, but her fear of what she thinks her daughter will do is awful for me to see. I want to protect her, but I can't.
As you can see, there are just so many issues and I can't figure out how to deal with them.
I feel as if nothing can make our situation better.



gl @ Dana Point, CA
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: DavidS
Date: August 23, 2019 08:23AM
Good morning. I've been offline here for the last couple weeks, dealing with my daughter's health issues, so I'm just catching up. I'm sorry you are going through all this.

This whole situation brings me to tears. Families can be the biggest source of support but also the biggest sources of pain and frustration. As I tell my patients, we all families are dysfunctional, just each in their own, special way.

At least Mavis still says that she cares for you. There is still hope for y'all, but not until she can stand up to her daughter. That "push" cannot come from you, however. Does she have other close friends who can help intervene on your behalf?

Everyone else has said more than I could offer, so I'll otherwise just offer my support and prayers for a positive outcome.
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 23, 2019 12:49PM
Thanks David!
I am sad to hear that your daughter is having health issues.
My fingers are crossed that her health improves.



gl @ Dana Point, CA
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: space-time
Date: August 23, 2019 06:39PM
maybe this was mentioned earlier but I missed it and I don't feel like re-reading the entire thread.

Is Mavis able to drive? does she have a car? can she take you around from hospital to the new place you rent or to a flea market to sell some of your collectibles? I understand she is not allowed to let you into the house, but is she allowed to help you otherwise? or is she simply forbidden from seeing you at all?
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 24, 2019 12:11AM
I started this response earlier, but got side tracked.
s-t, Mavis does drive, but she has difficulty backing out of a parking space. Because she's short she has trouble judging what's behind her and it's hard for her to see how far she is from the big SUV's that invariably park next to her.
There's no way that she would be up to taking me to a flea market. She never wanted to participate when I had my swap meet business.
As far as her daughter, we stay off her radar so it hasn't been a problem, so far.



gl @ Dana Point, CA
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: deckeda
Date: August 24, 2019 06:56PM
Quote
space-time
... I understand she is not allowed to let you into the house...

Wholly incorrect.
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 24, 2019 09:20PM
Actually I'm not allowed to come back to live.
I have been home a number of times to pick up things and to fix odds and ends for Mavis.
We are both suffering so much, not being together. The other day, when Mavis picked me up from dialysis so we could have a bite to eat together, I shared with her how I was feeling.
I said that it felt like a piece of me was missing. She said that she felt the same way.
This situation really sucks and I don't know how to fix it.



gl @ Dana Point, CA
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Dennis R
Date: August 24, 2019 10:42PM
Marry her.
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: timg
Date: August 24, 2019 10:53PM
Quote
Dennis R
Marry her.

She's not divorced.



Skill without imagination is craftsmanship. Imagination without skill is Modern Art.
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: deckeda
Date: August 25, 2019 08:11AM
Quote
GeneL
Actually I'm not allowed to come back to live....

Actually it's s-t's misunderstanding that "she is not allowed" I responded to.
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Blankity Blank
Date: August 25, 2019 08:42AM
You’ve been with Mavis for over two decades; since you and Mavis were in your fifties or early sixties. Is it correct that you have no allies in Mavis’ family to advocate for the two of you? That can perhaps arrange a family meeting to let Mavis make her feelings clear to all members of the family, in her words, not filtered through the daughter?

If the entire family truly objects to your and Mavis’ relationship, is there anything the family believes, rightly or wrongly, for you to ‘atone’ for?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/25/2019 08:43AM by Blankity Blank.
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: space-time
Date: August 25, 2019 11:04AM
Quote
deckeda
Quote
GeneL
Actually I'm not allowed to come back to live....

Actually it's s-t's misunderstanding that "she is not allowed" I responded to.

What misunderstanding???

He is not allowed into the house.

She is not allowed to let him live there.

Those two sentences are pretty much equivalent.

Please clarify what was Wholly incorrect.

Thanks
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: GeneL
Date: August 25, 2019 12:13PM
I can go there during the day when Mavis picks me up from dialysis, but I cannot go back to live.
It's not as if her daughter can monitor 24/7!



gl @ Dana Point, CA
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: rgG
Date: August 25, 2019 12:35PM
Quote
GeneL
I can go there during the day when Mavis picks me up from dialysis, but I cannot go back to live.
It's not as if her daughter can monitor 24/7!

Crux question, has the daughter said why exactly she objects to you living with Mavis, after all this time?
What caused this to come to a head after nearly 30 years?





Roswell, GA (Atlanta suburb)
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Rick-o
Date: August 25, 2019 12:42PM
I vote we end this sticky. Nothing seems to be moving forward, and it doesn't appear if it ever will.

No hard feelings, GeneL! I hope your situation improves soon.

Maybe you could rob a bank. At least you'll have three squares a day, medical care, and a place to sleep! (I keed, I keed!)



Mr. Lahey: A lot of people, don’t know how to drink. They drink against the grain of the liquor. And when you drink against the grain of the liquor? You lose.

Randy: What the @#$%& are you talking about?
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Janit
Date: August 25, 2019 01:25PM
Quote
Rick-o
I vote we end this sticky. Nothing seems to be moving forward, and it doesn't appear if it ever will.

No hard feelings, GeneL! I hope your situation improves soon.

Maybe you could rob a bank. At least you'll have three squares a day, medical care, and a place to sleep! (I keed, I keed!)

So your solution is to give up on the situation? To make SURE nothing will move forward? What you don't seem to realize is that the simple act of having this as a sticky reinforces the idea for GeneL that we support him, that we encourage him to move forward. The continuing conversation itself is very important for encouraging him to find focus and to act, however slowly that may be.

Rick-o -- if reading this sticky makes you uncomfortable or impatient, then just stop reading it. Please don't tell the rest of us that we should stop encouraging GeneL however we can, even if it is just by being present. Presence itself is very important. If GeneL is feeling abandoned and immobile now, just consider how much worse he will feel if we collectively say we don't want to pay attention to him anymore?

GeneL -- we are here!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/25/2019 01:28PM by Janit.
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: bazookaman
Date: August 25, 2019 01:53PM
I have a really hard time wrapping my head around the fact that you've been living in an adulterous relationship for 33 years!?! And no one else comments on it so maybe that's normal? Isn't the easy solution just to get married?




__________________________________
Never underestimate the predictability of stupidity
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Filliam H. Muffman
Date: August 25, 2019 02:03PM
Again, Mavis never got divorced from the daughter's father.



In tha 360. MRF User Map
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: space-time
Date: August 25, 2019 02:08PM
Why Mavis didn’t get a divorce???
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: bazookaman
Date: August 25, 2019 02:16PM
Quote
Filliam H. Muffman
Again, Mavis never got divorced from the daughter's father.

Yes. I get that. And that doesn’t strike you as odd? Involved with a man for 33 years while married to another? Get a divorce. Get married. Problem solved.




__________________________________
Never underestimate the predictability of stupidity
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Filliam H. Muffman
Date: August 25, 2019 02:46PM
I know at least two very religious women that got married, realized that they had irreconcilable differences with their husbands and separated. They seem to have never considered divorce but eventually lived 'in sin' with other men. I don't think I have seen this happen with people that got married after 1970.



In tha 360. MRF User Map
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Re: GeneL Needs Our Help!
Posted by: Janit
Date: August 25, 2019 03:02PM
Quote
bazookaman
I have a really hard time wrapping my head around the fact that you've been living in an adulterous relationship for 33 years!?! And no one else comments on it so maybe that's normal? Isn't the easy solution just to get married?

If Mavis was formally separated, that would obviate the issue of "adultery."

There are all sorts of reasons why people don't get divorced. It is curious, and might serve to illuminate the reasons for the current difficulties, but piling on about the issue does not really help.
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