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Friday Funnies
Posted by: pRICE cUBE
Date: February 07, 2020 08:26AM
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”





A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, “Give me all the money or you’re geography!” The puzzled teller replies, “Did you mean to say ‘or you’re history?'” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”



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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: voodoopenguin
Date: February 07, 2020 08:31AM


Paul







Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/07/2020 11:25AM by voodoopenguin.
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: pRICE cUBE
Date: February 07, 2020 08:39AM
A little girl was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. “What are you doing?” he asked her. “My goldfish died and I’ve just buried him.” replied the little girl. “This hole is way too big for a goldfish.” said the neighbor. The little girl replied: “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”





A tomcat and a female tabby were courting on the fence one night. He leaned over to her and purred: “I’d die for you.” She looked up coyly and asked: “How many times?”



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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Steve G.
Date: February 07, 2020 08:44AM
followup to pRICE's post: ^^^



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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: space-time
Date: February 07, 2020 08:59AM
Quote
voodoopenguin


Paul

anyone else having trouble with British humor?
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: DeusxMac
Date: February 07, 2020 09:03AM
Quote
space-time
Quote
voodoopenguin


Paul

anyone else having trouble with British humor?

I can’t see it myself.
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: tronnei
Date: February 07, 2020 09:08AM
Have you heard about the new Filipino contortionist?


He is known professionally as the Manila Folder.
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: tronnei
Date: February 07, 2020 09:09AM
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Spiff
Date: February 07, 2020 09:30AM
Quote
DeusxMac
Quote
space-time
Quote
voodoopenguin


Paul

anyone else having trouble with British humor?

I can’t see it myself.

All I get is a gray circle with a line through it.

Edit: Oh wait. Is that the joke? I don't get it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/07/2020 09:31AM by Spiff.
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: voodoopenguin
Date: February 07, 2020 09:33AM
Quote
space-time
anyone else having trouble with British humor?

I don't usually do rude jokes but I did check that the wording was international.

Paul



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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Rick-o
Date: February 07, 2020 09:36AM




Mr. Lahey: A lot of people, don’t know how to drink. They drink against the grain of the liquor. And when you drink against the grain of the liquor? You lose.

Randy: What the @#$%& are you talking about?
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Rick-o
Date: February 07, 2020 09:38AM




Mr. Lahey: A lot of people, don’t know how to drink. They drink against the grain of the liquor. And when you drink against the grain of the liquor? You lose.

Randy: What the @#$%& are you talking about?
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: testcase
Date: February 07, 2020 11:11AM
I knew British humor was dry......


Apparently it’s become invisible.....
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: space-time
Date: February 07, 2020 11:17AM
Quote
testcase
I knew British humor was dry......


Apparently it’s become invisible.....

smiley-laughing001
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: srf1957
Date: February 07, 2020 12:01PM
Quote
space-time
Quote
testcase
I knew British humor was dry......


Apparently it’s become invisible.....

smiley-laughing001

Visible now . Yeah !
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Ammo
Date: February 07, 2020 01:15PM
Muhammad Ali walks into bar, and after ordering a drink, pays for it with ceramic coins. The bartender says, "I can't take that, your cash is clay."



Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. —Wendy Mass
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Spiff
Date: February 07, 2020 07:14PM
Quote
voodoopenguin


Paul

Ok. That’s funny.
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: space-time
Date: February 08, 2020 04:00AM
which past is funny?
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: TheCaber
Date: February 10, 2020 12:34AM
So it's Sunday night/Monday morning and I wanted to share this warning text that assaulted me on FarceBork:

WARNING FOR ALL MALES FROM ME
Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
rotflmao...



=TC
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