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Friday Funnies
Posted by: pRICE cUBE
Date: February 14, 2020 07:12AM
Q: Did you hear about the new dog breed in pet shops? A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.





Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under your bed? A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.





Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A: To get to the Shell station!





How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.





How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogey in it!







Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/14/2020 07:28AM by pRICE cUBE.
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Fred_Also
Date: February 14, 2020 07:58AM
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go."

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded, "and I need to get some close-up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally, he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is . . . you're NOT my flight instructor?"
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Fred_Also
Date: February 14, 2020 08:09AM
Signs You Are Broke

~ American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

~ Your idea of a 4-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

~ You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

~ You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

~ You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

~ Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

~ You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

~ You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

~ You give blood every day...just for the orange juice.

~ McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

~ At communion you go back for seconds.
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Acer
Date: February 14, 2020 08:54AM
Heard this one this week, I don't think it was here, if it was apologies

An incumbent politician is soliciting votes right before the election in a tiny town in the rural outback. He asks a local leader, "What do you need me to do for you to get your vote?"
"Two things, actually" says the leader. "First, we have no doctor within an hour's ride."
"Say no more, " says the politician. He gets on his cell phone, speaks animatedly for ten minutes. He hangs up the phone and says "Fixed. I pulled strings and the state will invest in a fully-staffed clinic right here in town. Construction will begin immediately. What's the second thing?"
"We have no cell phone coverage here."
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Rick-o
Date: February 14, 2020 09:35AM
Underwear through the years





Mr. Lahey: A lot of people, don’t know how to drink. They drink against the grain of the liquor. And when you drink against the grain of the liquor? You lose.

Randy: What the @#$%& are you talking about?
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Steve G.
Date: February 14, 2020 10:46AM



right click 'view image' for full size (recommended)
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: timg
Date: February 14, 2020 11:00AM
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'

'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'

Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'

-----------------
Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asked Mike.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.



Skill without imagination is craftsmanship. Imagination without skill is Modern Art.
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Ammo
Date: February 14, 2020 01:58PM
Sven and Ole hear about a $99 cruise offer and decide to take advantage. Sven goes to the travel agent and pays his money. The travel agent wraps him in a blanket and throws him in the river. Ole signs up the next day and the same thing happens to him. A couple of days later the two bump into each other downstream and Ole asks, "You suppose they're going to serve any food on this cruise?" Sven answers, "They didn't last year!"



Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. —Wendy Mass
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: RAMd®d
Date: February 14, 2020 05:12PM





When a good man is hurt,
all who would be called good
must suffer with him.

You and I have memories longer than the road that stretches out ahead.

There is no safety for honest men except
by believing all possible evil of evil men.

We don’t do focus groups. They just ensure that you don’t offend anyone, and produce bland inoffensive products. —Sir Jonathan Ive

Perfection is the enemy of progress. -Winston Churchill

-An armed society is a polite society.
And hope is a lousy defense.

You make me pull, I'll put you down.

Mister, that's a ten-gallon hat on a twenty-gallon head.

I *love* SIGs. It's Glocks I hate.
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Kraniac
Date: February 14, 2020 07:13PM
my son woke me at 5 am to tell me that my bro in law / his uncle, had fallen in the bathroom with his pants down...we went in there, got him off the floor, pulled his underwear and pants up..got him to his bed...got him some new undies and pj pants..he had wet himself,..got those on him and got him back in bed. He's in the end of a run towards death and in Palliative care in our house..was sposed to be peeing in a pee bottle..stubborn dude
I love my 24 year old Son...he's a @#$%& champ and one great great person..didn't flinch one damn bit through this moment where we had to change this 70 year old man's clothes...makes me proud.

there was nothing funny about this...but there was something so uplifting for me there...so forget y'all and your friday funderwear...i got mine

: )
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: anonymouse1
Date: February 14, 2020 09:10PM
Thanks. Thanks hat was really good to read right now.

Quote
Kraniac
my son woke me at 5 am to tell me that my bro in law / his uncle, had fallen in the bathroom with his pants down...we went in there, got him off the floor, pulled his underwear and pants up..got him to his bed...got him some new undies and pj pants..he had wet himself,..got those on him and got him back in bed. He's in the end of a run towards death and in Palliative care in our house..was sposed to be peeing in a pee bottle..stubborn dude
I love my 24 year old Son...he's a @#$%& champ and one great great person..didn't flinch one damn bit through this moment where we had to change this 70 year old man's clothes...makes me proud.

there was nothing funny about this...but there was something so uplifting for me there...so forget y'all and your friday funderwear...i got mine

: )
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: freeradical
Date: February 15, 2020 01:13PM
Do you know why God made snakes before he made lawyers?

He needed the practice.
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: blooz
Date: February 15, 2020 11:49PM
Nice, Kraniac.



And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.
—Friedrich Nietzsche
Western Massachusetts
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