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Tools explained
Posted by: DavidS
Date: February 18, 2020 10:55AM
Seems pretty accurate to me. smiley-laughing001

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh @#$%&'

DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a bitch TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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Re: Tools explained
Posted by: freeradical
Date: February 18, 2020 11:10AM
LOL

What are the two types of ladders?

Tables and chairs, especially office chairs with wheels...
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Re: Tools explained
Posted by: N-OS X-tasy!
Date: February 18, 2020 11:18AM
Sounds pretty accurate to me. smiling smiley



It is what it is.
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Re: Tools explained
Posted by: macphanatic
Date: February 18, 2020 11:23AM
Quote
freeradical
LOL

What are the two types of ladders?

Tables and chairs, especially office chairs with wheels...

It's three kinds of ladders - 5 gallon bucket
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Re: Tools explained
Posted by: davester
Date: February 18, 2020 11:41AM
These were derived from a Peter Egan column published in Road & Track in April 1996. He had a few others, too. Here are some good ones:

Phone: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

Snap-On Gasket Scraper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Timing Light: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

Battery Electrolyte Tester: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.



"In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they would actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion." (1987) -- Carl Sagan
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Re: Tools explained
Posted by: mikebw
Date: February 18, 2020 12:11PM
Caulk Gun: A tool useful for forcing the caulk out the wrong end of the tube when the tip has dried out.
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Re: Tools explained
Posted by: vision63
Date: February 18, 2020 12:13PM
HaHaHaHaHa!!!
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Re: Tools explained
Posted by: lost in space
Date: February 18, 2020 01:21PM
Hey, I've got all of those!



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Re: Tools explained
Posted by: Ammo
Date: February 18, 2020 02:35PM
Steel Tape: great for measuring once just before you cut a board too short.



Where is there dignity unless there is also honesty? - Cicero

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. —Wendy Mass
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Re: Tools explained
Posted by: mikebw
Date: February 18, 2020 02:45PM
Quote
Ammo
Steel Tape: great for measuring once just before you cut a board too short.

And the fancy models have an automatic retraction feature for smashing your finger!
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Re: Tools explained
Posted by: DavidS
Date: February 18, 2020 02:53PM
Quote
mikebw
Quote
Ammo
Steel Tape: great for measuring once just before you cut a board too short.

And the fancy models have an automatic retraction feature for smashing your finger!

Or slicing your finger. You think a paper cut is bad?
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Re: Tools explained
Posted by: cbelt3
Date: February 18, 2020 03:45PM
Stud Finder: A tool that mental 12 year olds (*) use for detecting the zipper in pants. Also a tool for misidentifying electrical cables as studs, encouraging you to drill or screw into them and produce injury and fire.

(*) all males from the age of 12 to 120.
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Re: Tools explained
Posted by: cbelt3
Date: February 18, 2020 03:51PM
Also:
Socket: The size you need will fall off the handle and roll to the one spot under the vehicle that is inacessible from anywhere. Or down the floor drain. (*)

(*) see 10mm socket
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Re: Tools explained
Posted by: Kraniac
Date: February 18, 2020 05:12PM
yup..except the table saw is also a great sternum cutter, makes things easy.
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Re: Tools explained
Posted by: Rolando
Date: February 18, 2020 11:12PM
Band Saw: what butchers use to cut frozen meat, and remove fingers.



San Antonio, TX (in the old city)


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