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Friday Funnies
Posted by: pRICE cUBE
Date: April 03, 2020 09:15AM




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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: anonymouse1
Date: April 03, 2020 09:44AM
Best of 2019 Edinburgh Fringe Festival

“I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have florets”. Olaf Falafel
2.”Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy” – Richard Stott
3.”What’s driving Brexit? From here it looks like it’s probably the Duke of Edinburgh” – Milton Jones
4. “A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. – That’s 20 cows'” – Jake Lambert
5. “A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it” – Ross Smith
6. “Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It’s the reason I get up in the morning” – Ross Smith
7. “I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it” – Adele Cliff
8. “After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging – Richard Pulsford
9. “To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian” – Mark Simmons
10. “I’ve got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad’s contacts” – Ivo Graham
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: voodoopenguin
Date: April 03, 2020 09:55AM
2020. The year your bin goes out more than you do.

I just turned down a job delivering for my local fruit and veg shop. They offered to pay me in vegetables, but the celery was unacceptable.

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic. I told her “I think you mean fewer.”

Paul



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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Todd's keyboard
Date: April 03, 2020 10:11AM
Any idea on when those stimulus checks will arrive? (asking for a friend’s keyboard)

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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Rick-o
Date: April 03, 2020 11:06AM
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
She just died and left me everything.'

(And you thought the ending would be different!)



Mr. Lahey: A lot of people, don’t know how to drink. They drink against the grain of the liquor. And when you drink against the grain of the liquor? You lose.

Randy: What the @#$%& are you talking about?
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Spiff
Date: April 03, 2020 11:22AM
Pete and Repeat are in a boat.
Pete falls out.
Who's left?

Repeat.

Pete and Repeat are in a boat...
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Ammo
Date: April 03, 2020 01:14PM
A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay as long as you don't start anything".

A nurse comes into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, there's a man out here who says he's invisible." The doctor replies, "Tell him I can't see him right now.”

A lady went to the doctor and said, "Doctor! Doctor! you have to help me — I'm shrinking! I'm shrinking!” The doctor replied, “Madam, I am very busy today - you'll just have to be a little patient.



Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. —Wendy Mass

Until you make your unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. - Carl Jung
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: MrNoBody
Date: April 03, 2020 02:33PM
A pastor and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly
Gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had
anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the pastor to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a tiny, B&W TV.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the pastor. 'Shouldn't I be the one who
gets the mansion?
After all I was a pastor, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept.
When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

devil smiley



39°36'17"N 75°44'43"W

The search engine that doesn't track you.

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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: testcase
Date: April 03, 2020 05:01PM
I cook with wine........


sometimes I even put it in the food.





We are in the 11th day of self isolation and, it is really upsetting to see my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. It breaks my heart to see her like this. I have thought very hard about how I can cheer her up. I have even considered letting her in but, rules are rules.
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: pRICE cUBE
Date: April 03, 2020 07:51PM




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