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Friday Funnies
Posted by: testcase
Date: July 24, 2020 09:56AM
The cops just left. They said if I’m gonna walk around the house naked … I have to do it inside.
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Rick-o
Date: July 24, 2020 10:54AM




Mr. Lahey: A lot of people, don’t know how to drink. They drink against the grain of the liquor. And when you drink against the grain of the liquor? You lose.

Randy: What the @#$%& are you talking about?
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: timg
Date: July 24, 2020 11:02AM
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"Pope Francis," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the @#$%& is that on the balcony with Dave?'



Skill without imagination is craftsmanship. Imagination without skill is Modern Art.
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: timg
Date: July 24, 2020 11:05AM
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan

the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser. Nathan thought about this and said that he could arrange for Sid to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Sid readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Nathan got a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Nathan informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and Nathan advised that only the saliva of Sid would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Sid to their chambers. Nathan then slipped Sid the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Sid worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Sid left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Sid found Nathan demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Sid couldn't have cared less knowing that Nathan could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Nathan slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Sid.



Skill without imagination is craftsmanship. Imagination without skill is Modern Art.
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: ztirffritz
Date: July 24, 2020 12:43PM
Why can’t you tell socialists a joke? Because not everyone will get it.



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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: ztirffritz
Date: July 24, 2020 12:44PM
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..."

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.



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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: ztirffritz
Date: July 24, 2020 12:45PM
My friend just hired a limo for $1000 but it didn't come with a driver

Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it



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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: ztirffritz
Date: July 24, 2020 12:46PM
A burglar had broken into a house and as he was feeling his way through a darkened room, he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar was startled and stood still for a few moments. Then he decided to continue his search for valuables. Once again, he heard the voice, a little louder, "Jesus is still watching you!"

"What's going on?" he thought. He waited a little longer before continuing his search. Again, he heard "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar couldn't stand it any longer. He switched on his flashlight, and there, sitting on the perch, was a parrot.

"Was that you talking?" Asked the burglar.

"Yes," said the parrot.

"Well, you talk pretty well," said the burglar.

"I've been talking for fifty years," said the parrot.

"You gave me a fright when I came in," said the burglar. "What's your name?"

"Alfred," replied the parrot.

"That's a pretty weird name for a parrot," said the burglar.

"Yeah, but not as weird as 'Jesus' for a rottweiler."



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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: ztirffritz
Date: July 24, 2020 12:48PM
A burglar had broken into a house...
Long

... and as he was feeling his way through a darkened room, he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar was startled and stood still for a few moments. Then he decided to continue his search for valuables. Once again, he heard the voice, a little louder, "Jesus is still watching you!"

"What's going on?" he thought. He waited a little longer before continuing his search. Again, he heard "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar couldn't stand it any longer. He switched on his flashlight, and there, sitting on the perch, was a parrot.

"Was that you talking?" Asked the burglar.

"Yes," said the parrot.

"Well, you talk pretty well," said the burglar.

"I've been talking for fifty years," said the parrot.

"You gave me a fright when I came in," said the burglar. "What's your name?"

"Alfred," replied the parrot.

"That's a pretty weird name for a parrot," said the burglar.

"Yeah, but not as weird as 'Jesus' for a rottweiler."



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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: timg
Date: July 24, 2020 01:09PM
Quote
ztirffritz
A burglar had broken into a house...
Long

... and as he was feeling his way through a darkened room, he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar was startled and stood still for a few moments. Then he decided to continue his search for valuables. Once again, he heard the voice, a little louder, "Jesus is still watching you!"

"What's going on?" he thought. He waited a little longer before continuing his search. Again, he heard "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar couldn't stand it any longer. He switched on his flashlight, and there, sitting on the perch, was a parrot.

"Was that you talking?" Asked the burglar.

"Yes," said the parrot.

"Well, you talk pretty well," said the burglar.

"I've been talking for fifty years," said the parrot.

"You gave me a fright when I came in," said the burglar. "What's your name?"

"Alfred," replied the parrot.

"That's a pretty weird name for a parrot," said the burglar.

"Yeah, but not as weird as 'Jesus' for a rottweiler."

This was just as funny the second time!!



Skill without imagination is craftsmanship. Imagination without skill is Modern Art.
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: timg
Date: July 24, 2020 01:09PM
Why can't you believe and atom?

because they literally make up everything!



Skill without imagination is craftsmanship. Imagination without skill is Modern Art.
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: pRICE cUBE
Date: July 24, 2020 03:47PM
It’s Friday?!?!



Ways to improve web conference image and sound quality. [forums.macresource.com]


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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: timg
Date: July 24, 2020 04:02PM
Quote
pRICE cUBE
It’s Friday?!?!

oops, sorry, did we wake you?



Skill without imagination is craftsmanship. Imagination without skill is Modern Art.
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Filliam H. Muffman
Date: July 24, 2020 04:16PM




In tha 360. MRF User Map
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