advertisement
Forums

The Forum is sponsored by 
 

AAPL stock: Click Here

You are currently viewing the Tips and Deals forum
What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: space-time
Date: August 03, 2020 09:30PM
an acquittance died, RIP. he's is not a very close friend, more of a friend of a friend. God rest his soul. I think I have seen this person about 6-8 times, once or twice at their house and our house, a few more times at common friends house or a kids birthday parties. Not a stranger, also not a close friend.

Wife wants us to go to the wake tomorrow evening. She does agree that we should not enter the building due to COVID.

Assuming the spouse of the deceased is inside the chapel or funeral home, and we stay outside, we won't be able to extend our condolences to her. We make a donation.

We would see other people come and go. some of them may go inside, some of them may stay outside like us. I don't know what is the protocol in cases like these. All I know is that I don't want to be inside with a lot of people.

The place is 45 min away. Tomorrow is Tropical Storm / Hurricane Isaias.

Under normal circumstances, I would not hesitate to go to the wake and the funeral.

Under Covid and Tropical storm, I think we should avoid it. Wife insists that we go, if I don't want to go, she still plans to go (unless the weather turns really nasty tomorrow evening).

So, am I a cold and insensitive person for not wanting to attend this wake? or I am a rational person?

what would YOU do?
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: Sarcany
Date: August 03, 2020 09:46PM
In your place, I might go just to stand outside and pass on my condolences. Not because it's a distant acquaintance, but because the SO wants to go and some things you just do for the SO.

But the hurricane throws a wrench in that. It's probably best to just post a message on the funeral home website and send flowers to the funeral home or a gift basket to the family. That's the rational thing to do.

But that's not where the analysis ends.

Ultimately, you have to have a GENTLE talk with the SO about attending a funeral during a hurricane.

If she insists on going to the funeral, you go (because you're not the kind of guy who sends her out alone in a hurricane), and take every precaution you can against getting stuck on the side of the road (flashlights, kitty litter, battery-chargers, blankets, flares, water, first aid kit).

Whatever she wants to do, you do it. Because if she's really intent on making this trip, something's bugging her and it's your job to support her.



Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: NewtonMP2100
Date: August 03, 2020 09:55PM
....bro......cold......









....just kidding....I would skip too, especially since you were not even 'close'.......if it was someone close maybe but even then.....with the coronavirus and hurricane......might skip too.....



_____________________________________

I reject your reality and substitute my own!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/03/2020 09:57PM by NewtonMP2100.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: $tevie
Date: August 03, 2020 10:05PM
How do you stay outside if there's a hurricane? I say No No No.



Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: Drew
Date: August 03, 2020 10:07PM
Sarcany makes some good points. If I was in your shoes, I would go as support for my wife and do my best to not be grumpy about it, which would be the same as not supporting her. Easier said that done sometimes!
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: cbelt3
Date: August 03, 2020 10:23PM
COVID ? No. Stay home. Sign the electronic guest book.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: Don C
Date: August 03, 2020 10:53PM
If you end up going, with masks on you might be able slip inside just long enough to sign the guest book and go right back outside. You would want to make that trip inside when you do not have to wait in line, of course.

I might be more worried about being out in that weather. As suggested, the electronic guest book is easily the safest way to pay your respects.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: Buzz
Date: August 03, 2020 10:54PM
Spousal unit's step-uncle just died from Covid over the weekend, and her step-dad (Unc's big bro) can't/isn't going to the postmortem events four states away. The viewing and cremation will be over before any of the out of state relatives can get there. The family doesn't want to take any chances w/ the virus. and the weather, and older/susceptible peeps traveling under such conditions.

Tell the wiff you'll send a condolence card, and/or send flowers, and/or donation(s) to express your sorrow for their loss, and then when the pandemic has subsided, and/or a vaccine is available, play catch up in person when it's safe to do so. This is definitely a time to grow a pair, and show your other half you're the macho stud she thought she married. Sometimes "No!" really means, No!.... and this is one of those times.
I don't usually disagree w/ Doc, but this time, I do.
Stay safe; and stay home.
==
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: PeterB
Date: August 03, 2020 11:08PM
Quote
Sarcany
In your place, I might go just to stand outside and pass on my condolences. Not because it's a distant acquaintance, but because the SO wants to go and some things you just do for the SO.

This is why it's nice sometimes to be single. grinning smiley

Quote
Sarcany
Ultimately, you have to have a GENTLE talk with the SO about attending a funeral during a hurricane.

This to me is the crux of it -- you need to communicate with her and find out why she's so insistent on going ... if there's a legitimate, rational reason, then you hear her out, and probably comply. If it's totally irrational, I don't (personally) feel one should be obligated to do something totally irrational... if she said, "I'm going outside in hurricane weather to have a stroll", would you do that too? No... you'd try to figure out why she she's insistent on doing that, and convince her not to.

Quote
Sarcany
Whatever she wants to do, you do it.

Again, this is why it's good to be single sometimes. grinning smiley ... I've never understood why people feel it's necessary for complete agreement amongst SO's or spouses... you're married or in a committed relationship, NOT clones of one another. Sometimes being supportive should mean agreeing to disagree, or saying "no" to a completely unreasonable request (I'm not sure that's what it is in this case, I just mean in general).




Freya says, 'Hello from NOLA, baby!' (Laissez bon temps rouler!)
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: RgrF
Date: August 03, 2020 11:43PM
I've never understood why people feel it's necessary for complete agreement amongst SO's or spouses... you're married or in a committed relationship, NOT clones of one another.

When coupled long enough (married or not) you become halves of a unit. That mind frame isn't available to everyone and doesn't always work even within a unit - when it does work it's irreplaceable.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: Sarcany
Date: August 03, 2020 11:47PM
Quote
PeterB
Quote
Sarcany
Whatever she wants to do, you do it.

Again, this is why it's good to be single sometimes. grinning smiley ... I've never understood why people feel it's necessary for complete agreement amongst SO's or spouses...

That's not what I meant.

She wants to go so much that she'll go in a hurricane. She wants to go so much that it's bugged space-time enough to post here.

Something's wrong and it's deeper than just "a distant acquaintance died."

In this situation, you don't press too hard. You just support your SO and wait for her to tell you WTF is wrong. Or not tell you. It's her choice.



Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: Carm
Date: August 04, 2020 12:03AM
What Doc said. Find out why she really wants to go, even if you don’t like the answer provided.

Luckily my wife doesn’t like going to wakes or funerals. We went to her aunts funeral and wake only out of respect for her cousins (which she likes). She had a love hate relationship with her aunt.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: PeterB
Date: August 04, 2020 12:19AM
Quote
RgrF
I've never understood why people feel it's necessary for complete agreement amongst SO's or spouses... you're married or in a committed relationship, NOT clones of one another.

When coupled long enough (married or not) you become halves of a unit. That mind frame isn't available to everyone and doesn't always work even within a unit - when it does work it's irreplaceable.

You're making my point. Loss of individual identity is what I find incomprehensible, and I don't think particularly healthy, either.

Quote
Sarcany
Quote
PeterB
Quote
Sarcany
Whatever she wants to do, you do it.

Again, this is why it's good to be single sometimes. grinning smiley ... I've never understood why people feel it's necessary for complete agreement amongst SO's or spouses...

That's not what I meant.

She wants to go so much that she'll go in a hurricane. She wants to go so much that it's bugged space-time enough to post here.

Something's wrong and it's deeper than just "a distant acquaintance died."

In this situation, you don't press too hard. You just support your SO and wait for her to tell you WTF is wrong. Or not tell you. It's her choice.

Yep, that I can agree with... and I agree too that there must be something deeper there, for s-t's SO to be insistent on going to it, under the current circumstances.




Freya says, 'Hello from NOLA, baby!' (Laissez bon temps rouler!)
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: RAMd®d
Date: August 04, 2020 02:04AM
Not because it's a distant acquaintance, but because the SO wants to go and some things you just do for the SO.


This.

A loss of identity is complete bullsh¡t.

One does it because it mean something to somebody who means something to them.

It's not about merely appeasing someone or loss of self.

It's about one of those 'if it's important to you, it's important to me' moments.

I also agree the inclement weather does mitigate things.

Whether or not it's going to be dangerous weather, I don't know.

If it is, then that puts the kibosh on attending.

If it's just windy and wet, I'd ask if it's really something she wants or feels she needs to do.

If it is, I'd be in.

If it were a shallow or insincere gesture, I'd be out.

But I don't get the feeling that it is, so I'd be in.

The 'why' wouldn't be important to me.

That she wants to to, is.




When a good man is hurt,
all who would be called good
must suffer with him.

Everybody matters or nobody matters.

You and I have memories longer than the road that stretches out ahead.

There is no safety for honest men except
by believing all possible evil of evil men.

We don’t do focus groups. They just ensure that you don’t offend anyone, and produce bland inoffensive products. —Sir Jonathan Ive

-An armed society is a polite society.
And hope is a lousy defense.

You make me pull, I'll put you down.

Mister, that's a ten-gallon hat on a twenty-gallon head.

I *love* SIGs. It's Glocks I hate.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: Buzz
Date: August 04, 2020 04:57AM
She wants to go so much that she'll go in a hurricane. She wants to go so much that it's bugged space-time enough to post here.

Something's wrong and it's deeper than just "a distant acquaintance died."

In this situation, you don't press too hard. You just support your SO and wait for her to tell you WTF is wrong. Or not tell you. It's her choice.


I agree w/ Doc; up to the point where supporting your SO under the current circumstances could possibly, in any way, let you consider letting her convince you that the two of you should go to the wake under such circumstances. If you really care for her, and yourself, it is incumbent upon you to take charge of the relationship, and protect both you AND her from whatever it is that is compelling her to consider putting you AND her in mortal danger under the current circumstances.

Sure, it would be nice for her to tell you WTF is wrong, but again, if she she doesn't, you have to be the one to grow a pair, and protect the two of youz from such idiotic, life threatening decisions, until she either does tell you, or at least stops this nonsense of trying to orphan your children.

"It's not safe!"



"Am I clear, yet?"



"Or do you need more convincing?"

==
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: stephen
Date: August 04, 2020 06:38AM
My coworker just lost his Dad to COVID at the beginning of the month. Three weeks ago they did a funeral with masks and social distancing.

This past weekend my coworker had COVID symptoms. The test was negative but we we remain suspicious. I would skip the wake.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: space-time
Date: August 04, 2020 06:59AM
watching weather forecast. If we go, we go together, but it looks like we won't go.

Thanks for the advice and comments.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: NewtonMP2100
Date: August 04, 2020 07:14AM
.....wake.....you up.....before you......go go.......???



_____________________________________

I reject your reality and substitute my own!
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: testcase
Date: August 04, 2020 07:27AM
Listen to YOUR gut. boink smiley
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: MrNoBody
Date: August 04, 2020 07:31AM
Quote
$tevie
How do you stay outside if there's a hurricane? I say No No No.

yep. They even postpone burials @ ANC for Tropical Storms/Hurricanes.



39°36'17"N 75°44'43"W

The search engine that doesn't track you.

Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: space-time
Date: August 04, 2020 08:08AM
Yes we found out it was postponed for tomorrow. So weather is no longer an issue, it's just COVID we have to deal with. Will go together tomorrow evening.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: mikebw
Date: August 04, 2020 08:28AM
The thing about attending a funeral or a wake is you only get one chance to go. There are a few I have chosen not to go to in the past and I kinda wish I had. I doubt the opposite would be true.

It seems they made a good choice by postponing.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: Janit
Date: August 04, 2020 08:35AM
Perhaps she feels a strong connection to the intermediary friend and wants to support them. If this is the case, then maybe there is another way she can convey her support.

edit: I posted this before reading about the postponement. It still would be helpful to you to know why she felt so strongly, though pressing directly might not give you the answer.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/04/2020 08:37AM by Janit.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: rz
Date: August 04, 2020 08:47AM
Not that I read the obits all the time, but I do occasionally scan them, and recently a former co-worker had passed away so we were checking for a week or so for his obit. Almost all the ones I read said that a "wake/funeral/celebration of life" would be held at a later time. Seems kinda non-caring to me to insist on having one during the midst of a pandemic.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: mspace
Date: August 04, 2020 08:47AM
Quote
RgrF
I've never understood why people feel it's necessary for complete agreement amongst SO's or spouses... you're married or in a committed relationship, NOT clones of one another.

When coupled long enough (married or not) you become halves of a unit. That mind frame isn't available to everyone and doesn't always work even within a unit - when it does work it's irreplaceable.

THIS.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: d4
Date: August 04, 2020 09:47AM
If I wanted to go to a wake/funeral and my wife didn't want to go. I would go by myself. In fact, I would RATHER go by myself instead of her being there next to me, impatient, glancing at her phone, looking at her watch, unconnected and distant. Stay home then, I really wouldn't care.

It's 45 mins away. Not 4 hours. If there are issues with the storm she'll call you.

You not going because of covid is a wash since if she goes by herself, she's bringing anything she caught back home anyway.



Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: Rick-o
Date: August 04, 2020 10:53AM
I always went by the saying when I was married, "Happy Wife, Happy Life".

It worked out well, for the most part.



Mr. Lahey: A lot of people, don’t know how to drink. They drink against the grain of the liquor. And when you drink against the grain of the liquor? You lose.

Randy: What the @#$%& are you talking about?
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: Grumpyguy
Date: August 04, 2020 01:32PM
You can be right or you can be happy. You just can't be both. Decide wisely.



Bryan
______________________________________________________
Mac Mini 2.6 GHz, 16 GB ram High Sierra
MacBook Pro (Early 2008 model) 2.4 GHz, 4 GB ram, 200 GB hard drive/ Mac OS 10.9.1 and XP SP3
iPhone 7 iOS 11
Location: Cincinnati
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: NewtonMP2100
Date: August 04, 2020 01:39PM
.....could be a.....wake......up call......



_____________________________________

I reject your reality and substitute my own!
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: Buzz
Date: August 04, 2020 01:42PM




     

     

DON'T GO!
The tangential acquaintance is already dead, along w/ nearly 160,000 victims of the pandemic.
It's not worth risking adding to the death toll and orphaning your children; THAT'S DUMB!
==
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: August West
Date: August 04, 2020 03:45PM
Quote
RgrF
I've never understood why people feel it's necessary for complete agreement amongst SO's or spouses... you're married or in a committed relationship, NOT clones of one another.

When coupled long enough (married or not) you become halves of a unit. That mind frame isn't available to everyone and doesn't always work even within a unit - when it does work it's irreplaceable.

Really nicely said, from a voice that has clearly lived life well.

Quote

This is why it's nice sometimes to be single. grinning smiley

Quote

Again, this is why it's good to be single sometimes. grinning smiley

Quote

You're making my point. Loss of individual identity is what I find incomprehensible, and I don't think particularly healthy, either.

Quote

...and I agree too that there must be something deeper there, for s-t's SO to be insistent on going to it...

I've been single and not, so I have to wonder, what is the deeper agenda for such insistence on a one-sided view of relationships? dunno smiley



Picasso in his studio after the liberation of Paris, taken by my friend and mentor.

Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: testcase
Date: August 04, 2020 04:30PM
"The thing about attending a funeral or a wake is you only get one chance to go."



Ummmm, the person will STILL be dead next week, next month, next year (etc). Personally, I'd wait until it's TRULY SAFE to appear and pay my respects; but that's just me.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: PeterB
Date: August 04, 2020 04:42PM
Quote
August West
Quote

This is why it's nice sometimes to be single. grinning smiley

Quote

Again, this is why it's good to be single sometimes. grinning smiley

Quote

You're making my point. Loss of individual identity is what I find incomprehensible, and I don't think particularly healthy, either.

Quote

...and I agree too that there must be something deeper there, for s-t's SO to be insistent on going to it...

I've been single and not, so I have to wonder, what is the deeper agenda for such insistence on a one-sided view of relationships? dunno smiley

No agenda, other than rejecting the idea placed upon all of us by society that everyone "needs" to be with someone. What's right for one person isn't necessarily right for another, and marriage isn't for everyone. All my friends who are married (admittedly, mostly male) seem terminally unhappy.




Freya says, 'Hello from NOLA, baby!' (Laissez bon temps rouler!)
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: Buzz
Date: August 04, 2020 05:13PM
Quote
PeterB

No agenda, other than rejecting the idea placed upon all of us by society that everyone "needs" to be with someone. What's right for one person isn't necessarily right for another, and marriage isn't for everyone. All my friends who are married (admittedly, mostly male) seem terminally unhappy.

Even the ones w/ younger (than their wives), hottie mistresses....? ? ?


Still not worth chancing going the wake.
==
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: Sarcany
Date: August 04, 2020 06:05PM
Quote
PeterB
All my friends who are married (admittedly, mostly male) seem terminally unhappy.

My married friends all seem to take deep and abiding pleasure from it.



Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: NewtonMP2100
Date: August 04, 2020 06:53PM
....that's what she said......!!!



_____________________________________

I reject your reality and substitute my own!
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: Michael
Date: August 04, 2020 07:27PM
Quote
Sarcany
Quote
PeterB
All my friends who are married (admittedly, mostly male) seem terminally unhappy.

My married friends all seem to take deep and abiding pleasure from it.

Mine as well. We ate with some friends (outside and social distancing!) a few weeks ago and the topic came up. We recognized that there are 18 of us in our extended social group and all us have been married for 30+ years and happily so.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: PeterB
Date: August 04, 2020 07:30PM
Quote
Michael
Quote
Sarcany
Quote
PeterB
All my friends who are married (admittedly, mostly male) seem terminally unhappy.

My married friends all seem to take deep and abiding pleasure from it.

Mine as well. We ate with some friends (outside and social distancing!) a few weeks ago and the topic came up. We recognized that there are 18 of us in our extended social group and all us have been married for 30+ years and happily so.

To each his (and her) own, but one thing I've definitely noticed is that some of the couples who seem superficially happy are very definitely not.




Freya says, 'Hello from NOLA, baby!' (Laissez bon temps rouler!)
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: August West
Date: August 04, 2020 08:16PM
Quote

To each his (and her) own, but one thing I've definitely noticed is that some of the couples who seem superficially happy are very definitely not.

Have you somehow missed the couples that are deeply happy and enriched in their lives by being part of a couple? Why have you not definitively perceived them?



Picasso in his studio after the liberation of Paris, taken by my friend and mentor.

Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: PeterB
Date: August 04, 2020 08:54PM
Quote
August West
Quote

To each his (and her) own, but one thing I've definitely noticed is that some of the couples who seem superficially happy are very definitely not.

Have you somehow missed the couples that are deeply happy and enriched in their lives by being part of a couple? Why have you not definitively perceived them?

Because they don't exist? (At least, not in my circle of friends!)




Freya says, 'Hello from NOLA, baby!' (Laissez bon temps rouler!)
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: NewtonMP2100
Date: August 04, 2020 10:01PM
....compassion.....???



_____________________________________

I reject your reality and substitute my own!
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: RgrF
Date: August 04, 2020 10:01PM
You might think about widening that circle, not easy these days - for some never easy.
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: Sarcany
Date: August 04, 2020 10:43PM
Quote
RgrF
You might think about widening that circle, not easy these days...

Sure it is!

[www.abc.net.au]



Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: PeterB
Date: August 04, 2020 10:55PM
Quote
RgrF
You might think about widening that circle, not easy these days - for some never easy.

No need. I have no interest in having more married friends... as I said, most of them (at least the guys) seem pretty miserable. Listening to them talk is a huge downer.




Freya says, 'Hello from NOLA, baby!' (Laissez bon temps rouler!)
Options:  Reply • Quote
Re: What's the point of attending this wake?
Posted by: August West
Date: August 05, 2020 09:01AM
Hmmm, I've found the opposite, many happy, healthy, wealthy, and wise friends with a perspective like RgrF, as opposed to my terminally single friends who seem incapable of finding that happiness. Chacun à son goût.



Picasso in his studio after the liberation of Paris, taken by my friend and mentor.

Options:  Reply • Quote
Sorry, only registered users may post in this forum.

Click here to login

Online Users

Guests: 187
Record Number of Users: 186 on February 20, 2020
Record Number of Guests: 5122 on October 03, 2020