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How do you ask a friend about their parent who has advanced Alzheimer's?
Posted by: Dennis S
Date: October 22, 2020 06:35PM
I can't see a way to ask at all.
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Re: How do you ask a friend about their parent who has advanced Alzheimer's?
Posted by: raz
Date: October 22, 2020 06:41PM
"How is your Mom doing?"

It's really that simple. If you ask my wife, the response will be one of "she's not there, but her body is fine", or "she has good days and bad, last week she was very responsive"



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Re: How do you ask a friend about their parent who has advanced Alzheimer's?
Posted by: hal
Date: October 22, 2020 06:49PM
Quote
raz
"How is your Mom doing?"

It's really that simple. If you ask my wife, the response will be one of "she's not there, but her body is fine", or "she has good days and bad, last week she was very responsive"

yes, it really is this simple
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Re: How do you ask a friend about their parent who has advanced Alzheimer's?
Posted by: bik
Date: October 22, 2020 06:50PM
Some say dementia/Alzheimer's can be a worse disease for the family/caregivers than for the subject. There's something to that.

My father passed after a several year stretch with another form of dementia.

It was painful and difficult day-to-day, but not in the way that would make me explode with emotion if asked.

I wouldn't necessarily ask, but I would acknowledge it with something like – "I've been thinking about you and your mom/dad..."

And then something that seems appropriate for the person and your relationship. Maybe something lighthearted – "let me know if I can (take you out/get you drunk/get you laid) to give you a little break."

In any event, just broach the subject with an acknowledgement rather than a question. If they want to talk about it, you'll know.
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Re: How do you ask a friend about their parent who has advanced Alzheimer's?
Posted by: Markintosh
Date: October 22, 2020 07:07PM
Just to add a little levity here...I think. I recently took a quick road trip to see my 85 yo dad with ALZ. It's been almost a year due to winter conditions and then COVID. I call him weekly and its getting to the point where he doesn't recognize much any more.

Upon return, one of my buddies called to ask how my dad was...and since his dad has been battling Parkinsons, I said. "He's doing much better than your dad"...to which my friend replied "My dad passed away two days ago."

I felt like such a schmuck! Fortunately he took it in stride and even managed a laugh.

Dealing with Alzheimers has not been easy. This 24 hour visit was like being in a room with a robot that is stuck in a loop. My dad knows 8 sentences and that is the extent of his communication. I know worse times are ahead...it doesn't help that he is 12 hours away.



“Live your life, love your life, don’t regret…live, learn and move forward positively.” – CR Johnson
Loving life in Lake Tahoe, CA
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Re: How do you ask a friend about their parent who has advanced Alzheimer's?
Posted by: Don C
Date: October 22, 2020 07:22PM
That's a long drive is for little communication for sure. The drive, though, is for YOUR benefit more than his. You know that you have reached out and someday that will be a comfort to you. It is certainly possible that he knows about your visits but cannot express it.

I don't know that of course and is probably hopeful and wishful thinking on my part.
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Re: How do you ask a friend about their parent who has advanced Alzheimer's?
Posted by: RAMd®d
Date: October 22, 2020 07:43PM
"How is your Mom doing?"


It is that simple, if both parties already know the mother has dementia or Alzheimer's.

If the other party has to explain that she has dementia or Alzheimer's, it could be a much different story.

Not everybody is comfortable explaining a family member's circumstance for the first time, to someone outside the family.




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all who would be called good
must suffer with him.

Everybody matters or nobody matters.

You and I have memories longer than the road that stretches out ahead.

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-An armed society is a polite society.
And hope is a lousy defense.

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Re: How do you ask a friend about their parent who has advanced Alzheimer's?
Posted by: Pam
Date: October 22, 2020 09:57PM
I ask my neighbors often “How’s your mom doing?” I also ask how they are doing and make a point of recognizing the strain of full time care. Both questions are appreciated.
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Re: How do you ask a friend about their parent who has advanced Alzheimer's?
Posted by: Lemon Drop
Date: October 23, 2020 11:07AM
I appreciate being asked how my Mom is doing. I'm kind of guarded and don't share personal details with many people, but I appreciate it when folks ask how I'm doing too. Just this morning the guy at the recycling center, who knew my Mom over many years, asked how she's doing. Said he misses seeing her. We ended up chatting for about 20 minutes just about life in general, and it made my morning.

Thanks for being sensitive, Dennis, that this is a difficult topic when it's your parent. Your friend may or may not want to share much, but it helps to know other people are thinking of the family and care.
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