OT: Dealing with a Miscarriage. Need advice

[ztirffritz]

My wife appears to be having a miscarriage. It is a much slower process than I anticipated. Does anyone have any experiences that they can share with comforting their spouse during this process. PMs are preferred. I don't think that everyone else needs to hear about this, but I need some info, and I don't know where else to turn. This process is taking days during which we don't know what is going to happen. It could be something else entirely, or she may be losing the pregnancy. At the rate that we're currently going, I think that I'll be at the hospital before the night is through.

[Racer X]

A friend's sister-in-law is also going through this as I type. My friend is in the other room on the phone with her right now. And I don't have any words for you but I am very very sorry for your loss, if that is what is going on.

[mikebw]

I have no personal experience with this, but I would imagine she (and you) will need lots of emotional support. Try to get your close friends and family nearby to help you through this difficult time.

[ztirffritz]

[quote mikebw]I have no personal experience with this, but I would imagine she (and you) will need lots of emotional support. Try to get your close friends and family nearby to help you through this difficult time.
Ironically, my parents just happened to be in town. They were on a round-country tour. We just had her parents and my parents over for dinner. There is nothing to do except wait...and it is driving me crazy.

[mikebw]

It might help to know that this kind of thing does happen, and it might not be anyone's fault either.

Not being able to know or do anything about it must be very frustrating. I know we are all hoping for the best here.

[lafinfil]

No personal experience but having worked in a hospital for many years I will offer this.

A bit aside but relative, when I was a volunteer buddy in an adult cancer camp the first thing
they taught us was that you cannot fully understand it unless you have been through it.
You can sympathize and know people that have been through it, but unless it's been you
then you only have a small idea about a persons feeling.

That said - ask someone in the OB-GYN office about support groups.

They are not for everyone and certainly not any kind of instant cure all but what they do allow is
an outlet to grieve with others who do understand what you are going through that can offer
the kind of support and insight that someone with true first hand experience can offer.

Hopefully It will help to give you both perspective and support. that you need.

Also remember this is awkward for your friends and family as well and sometimes
what they are trying to say doesn't always come out right. Appreciate the sentiment and the intention.

That's all aIl I can offer except condolences and good wishes for a future family

[Racer X]

I'll mirror what lafinfil said. unless you have gone through it....

My friend has actually, and she told me that your wife couldn't give a rat's behind about what's outside the other end of the tunnel, she's in that damn tunnel still. You are the one who can make the most difference. You are her partner, and its your loss too. If she wants to be left alone, be a bouncer. If she wants company, be the doorman, and help any well wishers with their gifts. Take your cues from each other.

And it took my friend years to have gotten over it. It wasn't until she held her eldest son for the first time that she felt "complete, and all was right with the world"

[crispy]

Being a dad of a two year old and having one on the way, I offer that painful feeling in my gut and in my heart. Put your faith in the fact that its in someone else's hands. Much love.

[space-time]

This is not going to help you a lot, but it may bring some comfort once things settle down later on. I read in several books that in some cases the Miscarriage is due to a major health problem with the fetus, basically the body know something went wrong in the process and it's better to abort the mission now rather than produce a sick baby that may not live anyway. It's a way the Nature self-regulates itself.

I know it sounds cold, and it's not gonna bring you much comfort now when you need it the most, but that's all I can say. Good luck and best wishes to you and your wife and the fetus.

[Jem]

Ztirffritz,

I feel for you and your wife. My wife and I experienced a miscarriage, and it was devastating for us. This is such a personal and powerful event that even those of us that have experienced it ourselves can't properly understand the unique ways in which it will impact you and your wife.

One of the small things that made it at least a bit easier to put things in perspective was learning how many *other* people have gone through the same (or similar) thing. During our grieving we learned of literally dozens of friends and family who had secretly had the same experienced and had kept it, understandably, very private. People we'd known for years, who now have large and loving families had struggled at first with the loss of one or more pregnancies.

I don't really know why this made us feel any better, except maybe it left us feeling like we hadn't been "singled out". That the horrible experience we were dealing with was more of a painful fact of life, as Bill (space-time) suggests, than some kind of personal failure on our part. At this point though, it is probably way too soon for that kind of "processing" to be of much comfort.

My one piece of advice that I do think I can safely offer, is to embrace the support of your friends and family in whatever way is helpful to you. You and your wife will naturally feel so alone in this, and while there is nothing that can be done to immediately change that, keeping your friends and family close means that when the time is right, they'll be there to help lift you both up and set you back on your path.

Please feel free to PM me if you'd like. I will keeping you and your wife in my thoughts, and praying for a positive outcome.

~Jem