Okay everyone - time for another post chock full of jokes, so post your best one-liner, limerick or knock-knock joke here to stave off the 20-point fall blues. I'll get it started:

'I was reading this article the other day, and it said, 'The perfect way to spice up your love life is to make love in a car wash.' Let me tell you guys from experience -- no, it is not. It's also the perfect way to ruin a church fundraiser.'

Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated from his feet, I find him very annoying.
I think I might be lactose intolerant.

Paul

I always wondered why the ball was getting bigger as it came at me..... then it hit me!

Paul

If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?

Paul

Knock, knock!
                            Who's there?
Amy Fisher.
                            Amy Fis--
* BANG! *

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rj
AKA
Vreemac, Moth of the Future

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?

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With all due respect to the UNCF,

"A waist is a terrible thing to mind."


And if you're responsible for trash pickup in Death Valley,

"A waste is a terrible thing to mind."

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Be seeing you.

Quote
Winston
With all due respect to the UNCF,

"A waist is a terrible thing to mind."


And if you're responsible for trash pickup in Death Valley,

"A waste is a terrible thing to mind."

The abbreviated version for those with short attention spans.

"A mind is a terrible thing."

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Skill without imagination is craftsmanship. Imagination without skill is Modern Art.

Quote
decay
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?

Why do we keep bees in an apiary and apes in a bestiary?

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An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

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Skill without imagination is craftsmanship. Imagination without skill is Modern Art.

Quote
timg

Quote
Winston
With all due respect to the UNCF,

"A waist is a terrible thing to mind."


And if you're responsible for trash pickup in Death Valley,

"A waste is a terrible thing to mind."

The abbreviated version for those with short attention spans.

"A mind is a terrible thing."

No, no. A waist is much harder to deal with. Well, at least when faced with cheese. (Is this turning into a mind over matter issue? Or does it matter? Never mind...)

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Be seeing you.

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Farmer?

Mick Jagger says "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!"

The Scottish Farmer says "Hey! McLeod! Get off of my ewe!"

The mind is a terrible thing to waste... So use it sparingly.

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Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers.

Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.

"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.

"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."

"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.

"Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.

"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

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Skill without imagination is craftsmanship. Imagination without skill is Modern Art.

Quote
rz
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Farmer?

Mick Jagger says "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!"

The Scottish Farmer says "Hey! McLeod! Get off of my ewe!"

emailing this to my Scottish husband...

I model irregular clothing.
~
An unemployed court jester is nobody's fool.
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I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
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There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary code, and those who don't.
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Ask me about my vow of silence.
~
Studies have shown that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 19.

Quote
Grace62
~
There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary code, and those who don't.
~

That was base.



















Two.

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Be seeing you.

One of my kids' favorites:

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and an German are discussing the beauty of language.

The Englishman comments about how evocative his language can be. "Take 'butterfly', for example. It trips off the tongue and perfectly describes such a lovely insect."

The Frenchman agrees, but says the French word is even better. "Why 'papillon' is such a soft, caring word."

The Spaniard again agrees, but says Spanish has them both beat. "Could you find a more lovely word than 'mariposa'? The very sound is beauty."

The German interjects: "So what's wrong with 'schmetterling'?


- W

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Be seeing you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/08/2011 08:05PM by Winston.

Why Italians Can't be Paramedics

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly, Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Sal is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence ? and then a shot is heard.

Vinny's voice comes back on the line,

"Okay... now what ?

After opening the first restaurant on the moon, Bob was disappointed to receive only 2 stars in the newspaper's restaurant review section.

"Great food, no atmosphere."

Well.... for once I found nothing here offensive.



.


That means you people aren't even TRYING!

Quote
Jimmypoo
Well.... for once I found nothing here offensive.



.


That means you people aren't even TRYING!

Fine. I had this all typed in earlier, then deleted it.

This one goes out to all the lovers.



Helen Keller walks into a bar...

















and a table...


















and a chair.

now, that is funny

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Embarassing myself on the Internet since 1978.

My kids' favorite.

Knock, Knock

Who's there?

Eatmopp

Eatmopp who

(say it out loud)

Quote
Grace62
I model irregular clothing.
~
An unemployed court jester is nobody's fool.
~
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
~
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
~
There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary code, and those who don't.
~
Ask me about my vow of silence.
~
Studies have shown that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 19 10011.

fixed

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as, uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”

Ms. South Carolina