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I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: Grateful11
Date: August 29, 2011 07:44AM
Have you ever just said we've gotta move, we can't live here anymore, things just aren't what they used to
be, something needs to change? If so did anything really change once you got there or did it make any
difference in your lives at all? If you prefer to answer through a Private Message that's fine.

This isn't a joke I'm being serious about this. I'm sure many of you have moved numerous times to all parts
of the country and world for various reasons, I have always lived within 25 miles of the same area for
nearly all my soon to be 49 years. My wife has never moved more than 1/4 mile from where she was raised.
Just be honest with me and tell me your thoughts. It's probably a dumb question to be asking but I'd just
like to know your feelings. Bare in mind that neither of us have any of our parents or grandparents still
with us, we have one son left, I have 3 siblings of which I'm only close to one, I'm slightly close to another
and my wife has only one sibling that has spoke to her once in 2 months.



Grateful11
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: Acer
Date: August 29, 2011 07:50AM
My wife and I moved well away from all family shortly after marriage for me to attend grad school. It was a very good start to our marriage.

But, "they" say to not make big decisions like this too soon after a big life event. I'd give it a year and see what you feel like then. There's no hurry for this kind of thing if you otherwise have a good job, etc.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/29/2011 07:53AM by Acer.
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: New Guy
Date: August 29, 2011 08:21AM
I packed up from Washington State back in '82 and headed to So. Cal. I've been here ever since, currently living in the Long Beach area of Los Angeles. It was a brave (my family thought foolhardy) journey, packed everything I owned in my '69 Camaro and headed south. It's been a struggle at times but somehow/someway I've managed. Looking back it has all worked out for the best. All the adventures and adversity I've gone through I never would have experienced back in Seattle. It's made me who I am, a definite life-altering decision. Of course there's more to the story but that kinda sums it up...

New Guy
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: blooz
Date: August 29, 2011 08:25AM
When I left for college it was with the idea I would not be living at home for any extended time again. I think a major reason for me to go to grad school across the country was to seal the deal and make it clear that I was over Boardman, Ohio (township just south of Youngstown). I've moved several times since but it was always to get another job, tho a couple times I was sure glad to be leaving where I was.



And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.
—Friedrich Nietzsche
Western Massachusetts
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: lazydays
Date: August 29, 2011 08:39AM
Both sets of my grandparents did this but it was due to job issues. Heard there was work in Washington state so they put everything in their truck and left. A little different than how we do it today. :-)

I say go for it as long as it doesn't damage your long term financial goals. How many of us do not go on the adventures that we wish we could go on because we are tied down? If you have the opportunity then GO.

If I could I'd pack all this stuff away and move onto a 35ft catalina. I'd live wherever I wanted to that week. Might even still post here once in awhile.
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: deckeda
Date: August 29, 2011 08:49AM
Not counting more typical moves away related to college or jobs, in '99 my wife and I packed up and moved across the country with very little timeframe of thought and no job prospects waiting for us. We just decided we were dead-ended, our families were both annoyingly too far away, which killed any vacation time, and so it all became sort of pointless to be so far away not doing much beyond working stupid jobs.

We were both fed up with work, had no kids yet and had my parent's house waiting for us to temporarily crash in. So I doubt that's a relevant example for most people. A year later we were in a house of our own.

We're not from the Seattle area but that's where we moved away from. We loved it and would move back again, if only to annoy RacerX and M A V I C. Living now in metro ATL, Georgia's only draw for us is proximity to some of our family. And the eternal hope of a Southern-MRF BBQ Beer Bash at rgG's pool someday. I promise to sign an NDA if I should glance at the prototype kitchen oven. Jeesh!

I feel another move coming on in about 10 years. By then we'll either be destitute, comfortably in new careers, family will be gone, kids out of high school etc. and pining for one of the other areas we like better ... or perhaps one we've never been to.
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: Grateful11
Date: August 29, 2011 09:34AM
My wife and I have talked about this situation several times and will definitely not be making any rash
decisions anytime soon. Things just aren't the same, we've talked to several others that have been
through what we're going through and they say it's never going to be the same, you only learn to cope
with it. In the last 3 years we've lost 3 parents and a son. At this point life doesn't seem to have much
meaning. Our lives completely revolved around our children. With Jesse having been a special needs child
the attention was much higher than normal. He didn't see himself as a special needs person, he never let
it stop him from doing what he wanted or could do. I wish I could snap my fingers and wake up from the
nightmare but we know that's not going to be the case. Losing parents that lived near to or over 80 yrs
was bad enough but I hate to say it and I don't mean any disrespect towards my parents or to my wife's
Father but it's just doesn't compare in anyway shape or form to losing a child, a parent should never
have to bury their child. I realize it happens each and everyday numerous times over and now know what
it feels like and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy so to speak, not that have any true enemies.



Grateful11
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: chopper
Date: August 29, 2011 09:45AM
Let me just say this: a long solo motorcycle ride may help you in the short term. No talking, no radio, nothing but roads, wind rushing past your helmet.
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: Janit
Date: August 29, 2011 09:52AM
Quote
Acer
But, "they" say to not make big decisions like this too soon after a big life event. I'd give it a year and see what you feel like then. There's no hurry for this kind of thing if you otherwise have a good job, etc.

Ditto. In times of emotional consternation, it can be hard to think clearly. Take time to thoroughly investigate what changes you might make. That way, any move would be a considered decision.

It may be that the thing you are trying to escape is the pain of recent events, not the actual place where you live. If so, then that pain might just follow you even if you do move. There are comforts inherent in familiar places, so that moving to a new and strange place can be surprisingly stressful.

Whatever you do, take it slow. Look for something that you would be running toward, so that you're not just running away. In the meantime, look for projects/organizations where you are now that would give you a sense of purpose. What would Jesse want you to do?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/29/2011 10:00AM by Janit.
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: A-Polly
Date: August 29, 2011 10:19AM
Grateful11, glad to hear you're not contemplating rash decisions. However, is there some way you and your wife could get completely away for a time?--not just two weeks, but at least 2 or 3 months; 6 would be even better. Extended camping trip out west? Round the world cruise? That long motorcycle ride chopper suggested? Far away from North Carolina: a cabin in Alaska? beach in Belize? Some distance from your regular workaday life and location may let the two of you look at what you have with fresh eyes, so you can better decide just where you want to be and what you want to keep doing for the rest of your lives.

I realize that this would be expensive and may not sound feasible since crops & critters depend on you, but if there is some way you could gear everything down, leave the property with a caretaker, and just leave, I'll bet it would be worth the cost many times over. You and your wife have suffered one of the most traumatic life-changing events imaginable, and I believe that you deserve some investment in your own lives and welfare.
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: DaviDC.
Date: August 29, 2011 10:37AM
While a change of scenery might be nice for a while, the crap in your head is still gonna be there. A different view out the window isn't going to change that.

In the late 80s I moved from Mobile to Minneapolis & it was like moving to a foreign country. I was keenly aware of the pervasive presence of Big Brother, the natives talked funny, & too many people asked if I was from Texas. Less than a year later I moved back to my hometown of Birmingham in order to keep my grandmother from being put in a nursing home & lived with her until she died.



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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: haikuman
Date: August 29, 2011 10:48AM
Where ever you go there '''you"" are....

I feel your emotion and heartbreak in your writing and between the lines.
I have seen beautiful pictures of your family farm.

Stay in the moment and do not seek escape... process your feelings alone,
with your wife and with counseling . From the depth of your pain you will
emerge. Your strength is in each other facing this time together with Jesse
and the farm. Work and exercise are your friends... within your known limitations.

Rudie



“Stay Hungry Stay Foolish"
Steve Jobs

"There are only two mantras yum and yuk mine is yum "
Bernard Mickey Wrangle<>Tom Robbins<> "Still Life With Woodpecker"

"There is a fine line between a rut and a groove"
G.D. Kittredge III

"


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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: $tevie
Date: August 29, 2011 10:50AM
I've never done anything like that, but my instinct says it is better to run TO something than AWAY from something. In other words, if you can find a compelling, positive reason to move to a particular place than I could see it being a good move. If you are only going to move to any old place in an effort to dull the pain, then I have to agree with DaviDC that "the crap in your head is still gonna be there."



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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: Chakravartin
Date: August 29, 2011 11:02AM
I quit my job and moved from NY to Los Angeles in 2000. My boss was a selfish idiot who gave the office suck-up raises and promotions on the basis of my work and I was exhausted from working 20-hour days carrying the whole damned department. It was an easy decision.

My timing sucked.

There was an economic collapse in 2000-2001 and by early 2002 I was back in NY.
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: anonymouse1
Date: August 29, 2011 11:12AM
What $tevie said.

I moved from Chicago to Seattle at age 24 because I fell in love with the city. One of the best decisions I ever made.

So how about taking some time to visit places you've always heard about and might want to move to, and seeing if any of them appeal?

Best of luck!
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: rgG
Date: August 29, 2011 11:27AM
If possible, I think a long vacation would be the best thing. When you get back, as others have said, you might see things with a different perspective.





Roswell, GA (Atlanta suburb)
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: DavidS
Date: August 29, 2011 12:23PM
I also second the idea of an extended vacation. Go see the places that you could not because Jesse's disability did not allow it. Being the father of a child in a wheelchair, there are so many places I'd like to take my family, but would feel badly because we could not do it with Lily or it would be much harder and less enjoyable (i.e. hiking into the Grand Canyon). It's a difficult thing to say, but it is the truth of our life.

Get away to clear your mind, reconnect with your wife, and have a new adventure. Think of it as a gift from Jesse to you. It won't bring him back or heal the hurt and loneliness you feel, but it will add to your life experiences in a positive way.

When I was 11, my grandmother lived with us for 6 months, the time after my grandfather died and before she passed on herself. After she died, my mother took me to New York for the first time. It's a trip I'll always remember. We stayed in Manhattan for a week. We traveled to Long Island and CT to see my aunt, uncle, and cousin. We visited the house where my mom grew up in New Jersey and met her childhood friends. It was a great trip for me, and I'm sure it helped her quite a bit too.
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: $tevie
Date: August 29, 2011 01:36PM
This is reminding me that, after my father died, my mother traveled a LOT visiting family all over the United States, since my father hated to travel and didn't want to go anywhere. She even drove 'cross country with her sister when they were in their mid- to-late- seventies: we called them Thelma and Louise. smiling smiley



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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: mrbigstuff
Date: August 29, 2011 01:42PM
Really some very good advice here. Know, also, that we here in this strange construct of reality are thinking of you and your family. It may be small consolation, but your grief is shared among many. And that leads me to suggest that you seek and find some grief counseling in your area. Perhaps its a group of parents that have lost a son or daughter and simply need to get together and talk. Maybe you have to travel to attend such meetings. Do it, allow you and your wife time to talk through it. And that would include your son, as well, although maybe he wants to talk with others of his peer group who have lost a sibling. Going away right now will not solve your deep grief and may even make it worse for you, because Jesse is going to be front and center of your thoughts no matter what you do.
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: davester
Date: August 29, 2011 01:58PM
My parents, after being stationed in the Mediterranean (a lot warmer than our english home) decided that they wanted to get away from english weather and move to sunny California. The second my dad retired from the royal navy they sold everything and moved to the San Francisco bay area (along with me and my brother). It was pretty rough for a while...we were in a crappy apartment nowhere near as nice as our english home, and my dad was unemployed for a while, but they finally made a go of things. I think we would have been more prosperous and stable staying in England, but it was all-in-all a great adventure (though tempered a bit by the extremely high price you pay to live in the SF bay area.



"In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they would actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion." (1987) -- Carl Sagan



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/29/2011 01:58PM by davester.
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: Rick-o
Date: August 29, 2011 02:16PM
I was born and raised in Flint, MI and lived there as an adult for many years. I was pretty much chained to a decent job there, but during the late 80's I grew tired of the area and devised a plan to get out of the city. I love Northern MI with all the wilderness and more laid-back lifestyle. It took several years of putting all the pieces in place, but by the time I retired from my day job in 2007 I was ready for the big move. Already had a house and small business set up (and paid for) at the new location so it was just a matter of moving all my crap 100 miles. I didn't choose this particular area cold. We had been vacationing in the area for several years prior, so I knew what I was getting into.

I now live in N. MI full time and I don't regret the move one bit. So much less stress these days, and the lake is only a few blocks away! thumbs up

In hindsight, it may have been one of the better calls I've made. Flint is now a toilet, and on the few return visits since the move, I can't believe how badly it has deteriorated.



Mr. Lahey: A lot of people, don’t know how to drink. They drink against the grain of the liquor. And when you drink against the grain of the liquor? You lose.

Randy: What the @#$%& are you talking about?
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: decocritter
Date: August 29, 2011 02:32PM
The running TO part, mentioned several times, is so important. Until you get through the initial stages of grief, I would keep trips away from home, in the vacation mode.

Go check a a few places you always thought you might live. Fall in love with a place first.

I moved to Atlanta to escape a bad economy, without much thought. It has been OK. But I should have checked out a few others places, like Austin or California. I moved here with several others from my home area, and they have all left.

Now I own a condo in a bad real estate market, and am stuck. My family has all since moved to Calif. I feel that I will move at some point in the next 2-3 years.

Being this far from family and old friends, regardless of how close the relationship, is not so great.

Don't get into financial dire straits in this economy, to move someplace with unproven potential.
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: rz
Date: August 29, 2011 02:48PM
We have friends who moved from Orlando to Greenville, SC because the didn't want to raise their newborn son in a "big" city. I had to laugh because I moved here from the Philadelphia area, truly a "big" city.

I moved here about 17 years ago, but it wasn't completely to "get away". My job was going to be transferred to a place in the middle of nowhere that I really, REALLY didn't want to go to. So I applied for a job in a different division that just happened to be in Orlando. Took 6 months to hear back, but they offered me a job. I am very happy I made the decision.
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: Buzz
Date: August 29, 2011 03:03PM
Pretty much same story as blooz, moved to go to college circa 1969, and never looked back. Just a few hundred miles south, but it was a fresh start, which felt like it was much needed at the time. Family and friends were only a half-day's drive, or an hour's flight away, but it was nice to be in control of everything and not have to worry about looking over my shoulder. For many reasons, it is probably one of the best decisions I ever made. It sounds like you're on the right path of considering your options. When the considering progresses far enough; you'll know what to do. All the best to you.

///



Sometimes it is what it is...
and then there's times when it's really better.



==
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: Dennis S
Date: August 29, 2011 04:23PM
I don't think it is a good idea. You will be extremely sad for probably a year. The birthdays, anniversaries, holidays - all of those things will be awful the first time around. It will get some better after that. You have to go through it and experience it. If you run from or avoid grief or keep it at arms length, you will never "heal", and by "heal", I don't mean get things back like they were. Your life from here on out will be sadder, but it will be sweeter. And, it will be good again.
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: wickedsteve
Date: August 29, 2011 06:01PM
My wife and I picked up and moved from Denver to Seattle in April. It was an easy decision with nothing tying us down to Denver (no kids, no jobs, no property). We have not made any friends or found any work yet but we have no regrets. We can't imagine burning up in another scorching summer. The weather is so nice here.
I think change is good. "Without change something inside us sleeps."
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: Grateful11
Date: August 29, 2011 08:25PM
I really hope I haven't bummed everyone out today by bringing this up. There's good advice coming out of
this. Like DaviDC said, "while a change of scenery might be nice for a while, the crap in your head is still
gonna be there." That one really kind sticks out there. It's been rough, I've lost almost 15 lbs. Like I said
earlier we're not going to make any rash decisions. An extremely long vacation would be very hard for us
to do with my wife being self employed and looking after more than 50 cows.



Grateful11
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: Grace62
Date: August 29, 2011 08:57PM
So much wisdom, caring, and kindness expressed here. Can't add to any of that.
Thanks for including us in your journey and keep sharing whenever you feel like it Grateful1!
I do think that counseling is a good idea for anyone who has been through something as traumatic and life-altering as the death of a child.

~Grace~
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: goodmanx
Date: August 29, 2011 10:33PM
made such a move my last year of high school. can't say it mattered much, though it was interesting.

i'm with dennis. just a difficult time.

wherever you go, there you are.
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: Speedy
Date: August 29, 2011 11:01PM
Prozac. Seriously. What you just went through requires a pro's evaluation.



Saint Cloud, Minnesota, where the weather is wonderful even when it isn't.
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Re: I've got a serious question to ask, has anyone on here ever picked up and moved just to get away and start over?
Posted by: M>B>
Date: August 30, 2011 02:40AM
One word, well actually three...

WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM!!!
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