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Need cheering up.
Posted by: Dadlawyer
Date: May 15, 2014 08:42AM
Need cheering up, if you can hit me with something happy. Thanks
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: billb
Date: May 15, 2014 08:46AM
Put on your favorite colorful teabag hat and visit this wonderland of shiny happy people: [forums.macresource.com]



The Phorum Wall keeps us safe from illegal characters and words
The doorstep to the temple of wisdom is the knowledge of one's own ignorance. -Benjamin Franklin
BOYCOTT YOPLAIT [www.noyoplait.com]
[soundcloud.com]
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: DP
Date: May 15, 2014 08:48AM
Two atoms leave the bar. The first one says, "Oh, crap. I gotta go back in. I left my electrons on the bar". The second one says, "Are you sure?" The first one says, "Yes, I'm positive!".
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: the_poochies
Date: May 15, 2014 09:32AM
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: decay
Date: May 15, 2014 09:35AM
[en.rocketnews24.com]

"Doggy gets upset over his new haircut, walks around on hind legs like a boss for two days"





---
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: Rick-o
Date: May 15, 2014 09:46AM
[www.youtube.com]



Mr. Lahey: A lot of people, don’t know how to drink. They drink against the grain of the liquor. And when you drink against the grain of the liquor? You lose.

Randy: What the @#$%& are you talking about?
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: mikebw
Date: May 15, 2014 09:56AM
A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: clay
Date: May 15, 2014 09:59AM
Quote
mikebw
A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

good one :-)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/15/2014 09:59AM by clay.
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: DP
Date: May 15, 2014 10:00AM
Quote
clay
Quote
mikebw
A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

good one :-)

thumbs up
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: cbelt3
Date: May 15, 2014 10:06AM
Why do ducks have flat feet ?
From stomping out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet ?
From stomping out flaming ducks !

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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: The UnDoug
Date: May 15, 2014 10:18AM
If you haven't already, read this thread about a possible new cancer treatment:

[forums.macresource.com]


A thread about cancer treatment funny? Yes (but not till about halfway down the page). That's our forum for ya!



[www.zeemaps.com]
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: ztirffritz
Date: May 15, 2014 10:19AM
A photon is boarding a plane and the clerk asks "Luggage?"
The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."



Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."



Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."



**************************************
MacResource User Map: [www.zeemaps.com]#
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: ka jowct
Date: May 15, 2014 10:22AM
Keep the jokes coming. I need some major cheering up as well.
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: Lux Interior
Date: May 15, 2014 10:32AM
Why doesn't Barbie ever get pregnant?




Because Ken always comes in a different box.
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: cbelt3
Date: May 15, 2014 10:38AM
Two engineers and a project manager are walking on the beach and come across an old bottle, covered in barnacles and seaweed. They all reach for it together, and lift it up out of the sand. The bottle rumbles, and a green cloud spews out of it. They drop the bottle and jump back, to find a young woman dressed in classic Moorish harem attire has appeared in front of them.

The Genie is rather surprised, and says " Three of you ! Hmm... Well, I can give each of you one wish !".

The first engineer shoulders forward and says "I wish to have ten million dollars, a beautiful wife, a house on the beach in Bora Bora, and a long life." Poof. He disappears.

The second engineer thinks for a minute, and says " I wish to have a supply of income of 100,000 dollars per month, increased by the official inflation rate, a house on a mountain side in California, a beautiful family and spouse, and long life for all of us." Poof. He disappears.

The project manager looks around, and says "Well, that's all nice, but I wish they were back to work after lunchtime !"
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: Mike's Mac2
Date: May 15, 2014 10:45AM
Never trust atoms - they make up everything!

I hope your day gets better.
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: jdc
Date: May 15, 2014 11:11AM
totally NSFW and even some peoples morals, but hilarious! The first 2 minutes kill me. smiley-laughing001 smiley-laughing001

[www.youtube.com]

just so we are clear, this may totally insult some people, click at your own risk. language only. no nudity, just be warned.

dont shoot the messenger.





Edited 999 time(s). Last edit at 12:08PM by jdc.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/15/2014 11:14AM by jdc.
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: GuyGene
Date: May 15, 2014 11:12AM
Thanks Dad. I also need some cheering up a bit. Daily pain mess...

Oh me, those engineer jokes are great! Keep'em coming boys!

Alaskan Mosquitoes, aka, Alaskan Helicopters: while there a few years ago, a couple grabbed me by the shoulders and started flying away with me. One on the left shoulder said to the other one, "Hey Joe, should we eat him here or take him back to camp?" Old Joe replied, "Naw, we better eat him here. If we take him back to camp, the big'uns will take him away from us".



That old man - he don't think like no old man...
Now I wouldn't want to be within 400 - 500 yards of one of them nuclear bombs when it goes off! WW1 Vet Old Man
"He's pinned under an outcropping of rock. Lucky for him, the rock kept the dirt from burying him alive."
If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport. And I'd be a TSA agent.
A bonified member of The Mystic Knights of The Sea, George P. Stevens, President. Andy Brown, Treasurer, Algonquin J. Calhoun, Legal Consultant.
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: mrbigstuff
Date: May 15, 2014 11:24AM
since you are a lawyer...


Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."

Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."

Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"

Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."

Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."

Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."

Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."

Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."

Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
Witness: "Fair."

Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
Witness: "My ex-widow said it.

Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."

Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: onthedownlow
Date: May 15, 2014 11:53AM








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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: Spock
Date: May 15, 2014 12:16PM
Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."


Priceless.



Comedy Central: Best news channel that isn't a news channel.

Fox News: Best comedy channel that isn't a comedy channel.
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: testcase
Date: May 15, 2014 12:29PM
" can hit me with something happy"





one cream pie, on it's way!




boink smiley
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: Speedy
Date: May 15, 2014 12:54PM
More priceless;

ztirffritz:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."



Saint Cloud, Minnesota, where the weather is wonderful even when it isn't.
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: Grumpyguy
Date: May 15, 2014 01:00PM
Cat saves 4 year old child from dog

[youtu.be]



Bryan
______________________________________________________
Mac Studio 2022
MacBook Pro 14 inch 2021
iPhone XR
Location: Cincinnati
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: N-OS X-tasy!
Date: May 15, 2014 01:16PM
Quote
ztirffritz
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

My ME friends would approve of this one. smiling smiley



It is what it is.
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: decay
Date: May 15, 2014 01:38PM
can we please stop oversharing that cat video? every tv show, social network friend, and now here?

how about a dog with no front legs instead?





---
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: RAMd®d
Date: May 15, 2014 02:07PM
can we please stop oversharing that cat video? every tv show, social network friend, and now here?

Yes, it got it's own thread, and that should be enough.

And it doesn't really strike me as a cherry message, given that the cat's action was a result of a terrible action.

More engineering jokes!

And maybe a little cowbell.






I am that Masked Man.

All you can do, is all you can do.

There’s trouble — it's time to play the sound of my people.

Your boos mean nothing to me, I've seen what you cheer for.

Insisting on your rights without acknowledging your responsibilities isn’t freedom, it’s adolescence.

I've been to the edge of the map, and there be monsters.

We are a government of laws, not men.

Everybody counts or nobody counts.

When a good man is hurt,
all who would be called good
must suffer with him.

You and I have memories longer than the road that stretches out ahead.

There is no safety for honest men except
by believing all possible evil of evil men.

We don’t do focus groups. They just ensure that you don’t offend anyone, and produce bland inoffensive products. —Sir Jonathan Ive

An armed society is a polite society.
And hope is a lousy defense.

You make me pull, I'll put you down.

I *love* SIGs. It's Glocks I hate.
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: August West
Date: May 15, 2014 03:39PM
I got no problem with the cat video.



“There comes a point where we need to stop just pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they’re falling in."

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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: decay
Date: May 15, 2014 04:04PM


with added hands.



---
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: TheCaber
Date: May 15, 2014 04:43PM
*Jazz hands!*



=TC
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: dmann
Date: May 15, 2014 06:02PM
No jokes, but do a forum search for pics of Little Z. Her gorgeous smiling face will definitely cheer you up!

DM
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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: prymsnap
Date: May 15, 2014 08:35PM
Agree about the Little Z search.

Here's a photo of my mom, last July 4th. She's 88 years old and still rockin' it. She makes me smile all the time.

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Re: Need cheering up.
Posted by: RAMd®d
Date: May 15, 2014 11:17PM
with added *Jazz hands!*

THAT was frikkin' hysterical!

And yes, "Jazz hands" was the first thing I thought of, too!






I am that Masked Man.

All you can do, is all you can do.

There’s trouble — it's time to play the sound of my people.

Your boos mean nothing to me, I've seen what you cheer for.

Insisting on your rights without acknowledging your responsibilities isn’t freedom, it’s adolescence.

I've been to the edge of the map, and there be monsters.

We are a government of laws, not men.

Everybody counts or nobody counts.

When a good man is hurt,
all who would be called good
must suffer with him.

You and I have memories longer than the road that stretches out ahead.

There is no safety for honest men except
by believing all possible evil of evil men.

We don’t do focus groups. They just ensure that you don’t offend anyone, and produce bland inoffensive products. —Sir Jonathan Ive

An armed society is a polite society.
And hope is a lousy defense.

You make me pull, I'll put you down.

I *love* SIGs. It's Glocks I hate.
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