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Funeral Etiquette... do you donate in lieu of flowers ?
Posted by: cbelt3
Date: April 17, 2015 04:11PM
My brother in law's mother in law passed away earlier this week. Mrs. cbelt3 and I cannot go.. she has a medical procedure the day of the funeral. So in her German family tradition she wants to send flowers. It's a big thing.

I checked the funeral home obit, and there is a request for donations to a beloved charity in lieu of flowers. I'm all for it... dead plants only benefit the florist (Ok, small businesses are good and all). But mrs. cbelt3 is sticking to tradition.

I think I'll do both ?

What would you do ?
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Re: Funeral Etiquette... do you donate in lieu of flowers ?
Posted by: Paul F.
Date: April 17, 2015 04:24PM
I'd go with small flowers and appropriate donation (which means, whatever donation you find reasonable).

I go with the families wishes, generally, but I also understand the drive to do what ones own traditions say.



Paul F.
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Re: Funeral Etiquette... do you donate in lieu of flowers ?
Posted by: davester
Date: April 17, 2015 05:00PM
Do what the family asks for.



"In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they would actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion." (1987) -- Carl Sagan
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Re: Funeral Etiquette... do you donate in lieu of flowers ?
Posted by: Buzz
Date: April 17, 2015 05:13PM
Maybe somewhere between Paul and Dave... it's always good to respect the family's wishes, IOW the appropriate donation as requested... and the tradition thing is always tough to grapple with, so maybe send a sympathy card w/ pictures of flowers on it :-) as phase one... then when ma belty is back up and running after her procedure that is causing you to miss the actual funeral; rather than sending flowers now, bring a bunch/bouquet or our fave, an actual plant, when you do next visit... thus ultimately covering all bases.
==
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Re: Funeral Etiquette... do you donate in lieu of flowers ?
Posted by: Speedy
Date: April 17, 2015 05:50PM
I do both.



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Re: Funeral Etiquette... do you donate in lieu of flowers ?
Posted by: billb
Date: April 17, 2015 06:04PM
Well, you can respect the family's ( and possibly the deceased's ) wishes or you can decide you know what is best for everyone else and do as you please while the world revolves around only you.



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Re: Funeral Etiquette... do you donate in lieu of flowers ?
Posted by: silvarios
Date: April 17, 2015 06:24PM
Quote
billb
Well, you can respect the family's ( and possibly the deceased's ) wishes or you can decide you know what is best for everyone else and do as you please while the world revolves around only you.

Words to live by my friend. Hasn't failed me yet. smiling smiley
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Re: Funeral Etiquette... do you donate in lieu of flowers ?
Posted by: dmann
Date: April 17, 2015 09:42PM
I follow the family's wishes. If none are indicated, I try and find a cause that would have been meaningful to the deceased or a member of the family I know well and make a memorial donation.

DM
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Re: Funeral Etiquette... do you donate in lieu of flowers ?
Posted by: Grateful11
Date: April 18, 2015 04:59AM
Even though we received a multitude of flowers when our son passed we also received enough donations
to purchase two granite benches and place them on the campus of his alma mater in his memory.

We usually try and honor the wishes of the family. We still have some live flowers that given at the time of
his death and it's nice to still have them around. So if giving flowers I think it's best to give something
simple, alive and easy to take care of.



Grateful11
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Re: Funeral Etiquette... do you donate in lieu of flowers ?
Posted by: RAMd®d
Date: April 18, 2015 06:54AM
dead plants only benefit the florist

What BS.

That said, short of raising their loved one(s) from the dead, I see no reason not to follow the family's wishes.






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Re: Funeral Etiquette... do you donate in lieu of flowers ?
Posted by: dmann
Date: April 18, 2015 09:21AM
Just wanted to add one thing, which does NOT seem to be the case here, but some cultures/religions do not include flowers as part of the funeral process. So, even though it might be in your tradition to send flowers, the recipient might actually not really know what to do with them once they have been received.

I am Jewish. When my grandfather passed away, a business colleague of my uncle sent flowers. We were quite stressed as to what to do with them. It is not customary to have them at the service much less the funeral and we did not want to insult the person who sent a beautiful and I'm guessing, quite costly, arrangement. It was upsetting to my grandmother who didn't need another thing to worry about that day.

In the end, we displayed them at the shiva house and all was well but that thought came to me last night so I wanted to share.

DM
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Re: Funeral Etiquette... do you donate in lieu of flowers ?
Posted by: rjmacs
Date: April 18, 2015 10:43AM
Why not make a donation today, and in a year send a small bouquet of fond remembrance to the family?



rj
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Re: Funeral Etiquette... do you donate in lieu of flowers ?
Posted by: max
Date: April 18, 2015 11:49AM
Do both...
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Re: Funeral Etiquette... do you donate in lieu of flowers ?
Posted by: Janit
Date: April 18, 2015 11:51AM
It is worth asking what is the purpose of the flowers/donation? To comfort the bereaved or to make the giver feel like they've done the right thing?

The way to accomplish both is to actually give the family what they ask for, because that is what will comfort them. Sending unwanted flowers is likely to make the bereaved feel like they are not being heard. For many people, a donation to a cherished cause in memory of the deceased will give them the most comfort. An exception might be if you know the family has a passion for a particular plant -- then the gift of flowers will feel personal.

This is a relatively simple issue. Tougher is the matter of things the family doesn't know how to ask for, or things they believe they don't need even though they probably do. Visits, lending a sympathetic ear, doing chores for them. sending food, can all be helpful if done with delicacy.
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Re: Funeral Etiquette... do you donate in lieu of flowers ?
Posted by: davester
Date: April 18, 2015 12:01PM
I'm surprised that some people are encouraging the OP to "do both". It's pretty clear to me that when someone asks for a donation in lieu of flowers, the main point they are making is "Please DON'T send flowers". Why someone would deliberately go against a request made by the bereaved is beyond my ken.



"In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they would actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion." (1987) -- Carl Sagan
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Re: Funeral Etiquette... do you donate in lieu of flowers ?
Posted by: Dennis S
Date: April 18, 2015 03:11PM
Do both.
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Re: Funeral Etiquette... do you donate in lieu of flowers ?
Posted by: DRR
Date: April 20, 2015 08:28AM
With respect to your wife's traditions, the family has asked for flowers not to be sent.

Doing so, (even if you "do both") is a slap in their face.

The funeral is not an opportunity for you or your or your wife to exercise your traditions. It's about the person who passed, and their family. Think of them, before you think of yourself. Sending flowers after specifically being asked not to, is selfish. At this point nothing you or your wife wants to do, outweighs the wishes of the immediate family, whether or not it' s "a big thing."
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