latest in our family: FIL had perforated ulcer for several days and got a severe infection, which also affected his liver.

So to back up a few days: early last week we found out that MIL was in hospital with some bladder tumor. During this time we did FaceTime with FIL and he seemed very depressed and didn't feel well at all, but we and he thought this was due to MIL being in hospital. She had the surgery on Wednesday and then on Thursday she got home (last week). Now he didn't feel much better, but didn't tell anyone, not including his wife (MIL mentioned above). To feel better he stayed in bed. he probably had perforated ulcer all this time. He didn't tell her, HE LIED TO HER.

Yesterday we did Facetime with MIL and asked to see FIL, she said he was out running errands (unusual for that late in the evening, but not unheard of). He was in fact in hospital. SHE LIED TO US. Today she calls and tells us they decided he had some infection but were not sure where, so they did surgery and found this perforated ulcer and stuff was spreading to his liver and several other organs. they cleaned him up, this was on Friday late evening local time, and as of few hours ago he was in intensive care.

Tomorrow morning we evaluate the situation and wife may have to fly over to see what is going in.

They lied to each other, they lied to us, these @#$%& lies don't help anyone.

he's 67, she's 64. Until a few months ago they were in excellent shape.

(and before that I had my jackfruit incident. I wonder what's next).



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/04/2016 09:56PM by space-time.

Nothing is next bro....you've fulfilled your statistical quota.

Finding out afterwards like that must be extremely aggravating. When I ask if everything is OK and am met with hushed whispers followed by "Yes, everything is great," usually someone has died or is being taken out by stretcher. At least the hushed whispers are a giveaway, and I can get the truth through badgering, but why is it necessary? Do they not understand the meaning of family?

I went through that with my father 15 years ago, he had LOTS of cancer, but nobody told me about it until he was end stage. I've already been through the Ulcerative Colitis, five years of dealing with that was quite enough, thanks.

They don't want to be a bother is one reason. And the lies can keep compounding so it makes it even harder...

wife just called, her mom was at the hospital a a few moments ago and she said the situation is very serious... so I just booked a flight for my wife, hard to predict what happens, so I booked a 2 week flight.

Old people don't want their kids to worry or react unnecessarily like making a long trip for nothing. (I'm 66 so I can empathize with them.)

---

Saint Cloud, Minnesota, where the weather is wonderful even when it isn't.

Hope your FIL's condition improves.
You have had a run of bad luck medically lately. I hope things get better for you and your family.

---

Roswell, GA (Atlanta suburb)

I agree that they were probably just trying to spare you distress; perhaps you can tell them, gently, that this stategy is backfiring and would you please keep us in the loop.

What they are feeling is a loss, or at least a reduction, of control of their lives, and keeping you in the dark by controlling the flow of information to you is one way they can feel as though they can still influence their situations.

There are three ways this can unfold:

Teamwork - you wife, with or without you and with or without her siblings, convinces her parents that you are on their side and should be the first call for assistance when something goes amiss so that the parents can maintain maximum control of the decisionmaking process. In this stage there are many paths to choose - help selecting doctors, visit for moral support, assist in choosing caregivers, etc.

Denial - information is hidden so it appears that no action is necessary or (even worse) no action is willing to be taken...you're in this stage now and it can persist.

Capitulation - you find out about stuff only when the situation has deteriorated so badly that they lose control of the information and you receive it when there is only one path left to take (ie, come here immediately).

My inlaws have bounced between these last two stages for years, particularly my MIL. Everything seems well and good until something breaks (i.e. a hip, or a husband who gets into trouble due to compounding cognitive losses) at which point it is clear that information has been withheld from the people who could have assisted, leaving a single unattractive path left to follow.

The conclusions my conscientious but frustrated wife has come to are that (1) she/we can only influence those three stages to a certain degree; it is them, not us, that really decide this, and (2) success may have to be defined only as making the best out of a set of bad situations. There may be no good outcome.

Once she realized those two things the situation became/has become not necessarily better in terms of outcomes, but was a lot less stressful.

Sorry to hear about all this, space. I also really think they mean well. A bit of advice: maybe try to not say they lied. Kind of avoid that word. And that thinking. Okay, I stuck my old head in it, but just know I'm hoping for the best for all of you!

---

That old man - he don't think like no old man...
Now I wouldn't want to be within 400 - 500 yards of one of them nuclear bombs when it goes off! WW1 Vet Old Man
"He's pinned under an outcropping of rock. Lucky for him, the rock kept the dirt from burying him alive."
If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport. And I'd be a TSA agent.
A bonified member of The Mystic Knights of The Sea, George P. Stevens, President. Andy Brown, Treasurer, Algonquin J. Calhoun, Legal Consultant.

denial, mid-sixties is too young to be having life threatening problems. Threats to independence.
Good on you to be able to send the wife and hold down the fort the best you can while she is gone.
You do what you can.

---

The Phorum Wall keeps us safe from illegal characters and words
The doorstep to the temple of wisdom is the knowledge of one's own ignorance. -Benjamin Franklin
BOYCOTT YOPLAIT [www.noyoplait.com]
[soundcloud.com]

"The conclusions my conscientious but frustrated wife has come to are that (1) she/we can only influence those three stages to a certain degree; it is them, not us, that really decide this, and (2) success may have to be defined only as making the best out of a set of bad situations. There may be no good outcome.

Once she realized those two things the situation became/has become not necessarily better in terms of outcomes, but was a lot less stressful."

This. Anything else is just a battle for control.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/05/2016 09:56AM by Ammo.

Sounds serious. Glad you booked the flight. You might need to be there to support your wife too.

Wishing your entire family the best.

Safe travels, space-time.

thanks folks. Wife is flying out tonight. She just started a new job a few weeks ago and does not have paid time off, but I will talk to her boss and hopefully they approve 2 weeks unpaid time off. It's a good company and this should not be a problem.

Meanwhile I am on stand-by, if worse come to worse I can also fly. The main problem is that it takes 24 hours to get there, door-to-door. that is 3 hours to get to airport and check in, 12-16 hours flight + stopover, and another 1 hour to get out of airport, and 5-6 ours bus/train/car ride to get home.

Also all flights are late in the evening, so if you decide you have to go late in the evening, say 8 PM, most likely you have to wait 24 hours until you actually leave. So 48 hours from the GO until you get there.

Quote
IronMac
They don't want to be a bother is one reason. And the lies can keep compounding so it makes it even harder...

True dat...

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GuyGene
A bit of advice: maybe try to not say they lied. Kind of avoid that word. And that thinking. Okay, I stuck my old head in it, but just know I'm hoping for the best for all of you!

That is very good advice....

Quote
max

Quote
GuyGene
A bit of advice: maybe try to not say they lied. Kind of avoid that word. And that thinking. Okay, I stuck my old head in it, but just know I'm hoping for the best for all of you!

That is very good advice....

Noted. Thanks!