Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill."

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Ways to improve web conference image and sound quality. [forums.macresource.com]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident....

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?'
Now what the frig would you say?"

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Mr. Lahey: A lot of people, don’t know how to drink. They drink against the grain of the liquor. And when you drink against the grain of the liquor? You lose.

Randy: What the @#$%& are you talking about?

Comedian Dara O'Briain on "Private Browsing" from Mock The Week (NSFW-language)- [www.youtube.com]

LOVE the coyote sign, Tronnei!

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WARNING- If I posted a link in the above message, assume it is at minimum "NSFW- Language". Occasionally you'll be wrong.

Lie to me if you must, but don't lie to me and insult my intelligence in the same sentence.

Resist the Thought Police: George Orwell's book 1984 was meant as a warning, not an instruction manual.

"Political correctness is just intellectual colonialism and psychological fascism for the creation of thought crime" - Steve Hughes

What's my "Super Power"? I can make active threads go stone-dead with a single post. I try to use this power only for good and not for evil but, you know... stuff happens.

A lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest with whom she began talking,
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
“From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!”

Paul

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky-panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.

Needless to say, Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years.

However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not "do it."

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed.

Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as the nightie .

She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition. In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen up close since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button, gravity having taken its toll over some sixty years.

He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going to have to be helped a little more, so he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart.

With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, "Chester, I have acute angina."

Chester says, "I hope so, 'cause you've sure got some ugly tits."....

Maybe this doesn’t really fit with Friday funnies, but it’s darkly funny if nothing else. They’re calling it Adverse Input Restraint Services, AIRS. Supposedly the first AI protocol to directly address the long cited ‘Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics’, the first of those being, “A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.”

Some critics are saying even addressing aggression within code is a mistake, but these guys are staking out the position that blacklisting behaviors is the only way to control behaviors.

Anyway, it’s funny to watch, In a Three Stooges kind of way.

Not funny, Max - even in the locker room.

I do understand why you would not find it funny....

Quote
tronnei

Quote
Ammo
Not funny, Max - even in the locker room.

Yes Ammo.........


It IS funny.

Bill was very religious. Every Sunday after church, he’d play golf. As he grew older, he slowed down and eventually became so sick he couldn’t play anymore. “I just hope golf is played in Heaven,” he told his wife who suggested he go to church and pray. And so he did. He thanked God for his wonderful life. “I hope you’ll allow me to play golf in Heaven,” he asked.
A voice thundered before him at the pew: “This is God. I will grant your request, but, first, some news. Would you like the good or the bad news first?” Bill answered, “The good news.” God replied, ”Okay, the good news is that there are beautiful championship golf courses in Heaven.” Bill was filled with joy and thanked God. He then asked, “Now what’s the bad news?” God replied, “You tee off tomorrow at 10.”

antique joke:

What does Oldsmobile stand for?
Old Ladies Driving Slow Makes Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday