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richorlin

[DrawingMyLife.com]

[www.dudeism.com]

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.

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Do you want to hear a joke backwards?

Yes…
Very good, start laughing.

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Ways to improve web conference image and sound quality. [forums.macresource.com]

One day a state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a juggler and was on his way to perform and didn’t want to be late. The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver could juggle for him he wouldn’t give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk that he would light for him. While the man was doing his juggling act with the flares, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a very drunk man got out and started watching the show. He then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk man replied, “You might as well take me to jail ’cause there ain’t no way I’m passing that test!”

A dad comes home from work one day and finds this note from his son on the counter:  Dear Dad, It is with great sorrow that I’m writing to you. I have eloped with my new girlfriend. I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice. However, I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, and tight motorcycle clothes. Also, she is so much older than me. But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves. Don’t worry, Dad. I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Joshua
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table. Call when it’s safe for me to come home!

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Disclaimer: This post is checked for correct spelling, punctuation, and grammar. Any attempts at humor are solely the responsibility of the author and bear no claim that any and all readers will approve or appreciate said attempt at humor.
My name is DP, and I approve this message.

A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"

"Yes, sir," replied the new employee.

"I thought you would," said the boss. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

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Q: Did you see my client flee the scene?
A: No, sir, I didn’t. But subsequently I observed someone running several blocks away who matched the description of the offender.
Q: Who provided you with the description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer of yours provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust this fellow officer?
A: Yes, sir, with my life.
Q: With your life? Let me then ask you this, officer. Do you have a room were you change your clothes in preparation for the day’s duties?
A: Yes, sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes, sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Why is it, officer, that if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those some officers?
A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex. And sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

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Ways to improve web conference image and sound quality. [forums.macresource.com]

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

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In a trial in Utah, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly woman he had known since childhood, to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Whitaker, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Coolidge. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit lawyer. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Whitaker, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Of course, I do. I've known Mr. Johnson since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney turned red with embarssment.

The judge upon hearing the questions and answers thusfar asked both counselors to approach the bench. In a very quiet voice he said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."

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Ways to improve web conference image and sound quality. [forums.macresource.com]

The other day, a wife asked her husband to pass her lipstick but he accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to him.

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Why did the man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

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Ways to improve web conference image and sound quality. [forums.macresource.com]






Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/08/2019 07:53AM by pRICE cUBE.

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Mr. Lahey: A lot of people, don’t know how to drink. They drink against the grain of the liquor. And when you drink against the grain of the liquor? You lose.

Randy: What the @#$%& are you talking about?

always suspect #1






Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/08/2019 11:35AM by Steve G..

The drunk man replied, “You might as well take me to jail ’cause there ain’t no way I’m passing that test!”


That's not an FST.

[www.youtube.com]

Now, that's an FST.

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When a good man is hurt,
all who would be called good
must suffer with him.

Everybody matters or nobody matters.

You and I have memories longer than the road that stretches out ahead.

There is no safety for honest men except
by believing all possible evil of evil men.

We don’t do focus groups. They just ensure that you don’t offend anyone, and produce bland inoffensive products. —Sir Jonathan Ive

-An armed society is a polite society.
And hope is a lousy defense.

You make me pull, I'll put you down.

Mister, that's a ten-gallon hat on a twenty-gallon head.

I *love* SIGs. It's Glocks I hate.

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