I have a 20 year old daughter who is asking to move home. We are happy to have her back but I'm thinking there should be some new house rules. She's coming back as an adult not as a teenager. I was thinking of asking her to make a family dinner once a week, look for a job and to be responsible for keeping the upstairs level of the house clean. Any other thoughts from parents who have had an adult child move home?

---

Ukulele music I couldn't find anywhere else.
[colquhoun.info]

How mature is she?

If she has any capacity for it, make it a discussion about what responsibilities she can pick up, not a demand.

If she's anything like my "boomer" brother, hire a babysitter.

---

Yeah, also kind of depends on whether she is making moves towards whatever is next. Or whether the move home is an "easy out" for her looking to be taken care of by mom and dad again.

I was about to offer my 2¢, but then I remembered - no parent wants to hear advice from a non-parent so... carry on...

My daughter attends college but all her courses have been moved online for the year so paying for an apartment doesn't make a lot of sense. She is smart, responsible, but I felt some guidelines would make us all happier so we don't all revert back to high school days.

---

Ukulele music I couldn't find anywhere else.
[colquhoun.info]

Free advice and worth every penny of it ...

Could you have a conversation with her about this very thing? Let her offer what she thinks would be fair; you can counter-offer if you think that contribution is too light or too stringent.

We have two adult children at home at the moment, one semi-permanent, the other temporary while his corporation is doing work from home, so I deem myself qualified to dispense advice.

Our policy is this: First, no matter age or circumstance of your living at home, or money you may be contributing (see below) you are part of the normal chore routine of the household. Second, for adult children who are no longer in college or trade school, and are now able to be gainfully employed, we charge rent*. You are no longer our dependent, stuff cost money you know, so chip in. I give them a figure based on a share of actual housing expenses. If you don't have a job, you will find one ASAP, even flipping burgers, because stuff costs money you know. I provided 20+ years of care, and a big share of college expenses, and that part of my role as Dad is now over.

Naturally, I am willing to make accommodation. For example, the first six months or so after college are free. And if they land at home for a month or three while searching for an apartment or switching jobs or whatever, I don't do the rent. Just when they are expecting to live here for an extended period.

* We informally call it rent, but for tax purposes it's just chipping in your share to the family needs.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/03/2020 07:44PM by Acer.

our son and his GF moved back for a short time this summer before getting a place. Best advice I can offer is remember they are adults so treat them accordingly. No curfew,etc.

You are not a servent - Insist they maintain your home. That means dishes done, rooms picked up, bathroom clean and more. If you see an appreciable increase in costs like utilities, or groceries - they can contribute either financially or by doing housework (just agree what different chores are worth).

Most of all be prepared to be annoyed but a multitude of little things. Then let it go.

---

“No persons are more frequently wrong, than those who will not admit they are wrong.” -- François de La Rochefoucauld

"Those who cannot accept the past are condemned to revise it." -- Geo. Mathias

The German word for contraceptive is “Schwangerschaftsverhütungsmittel”. By the time you finished saying that, it’s too late

Acer and Ombligo, thanks for the great advice. I think the way it's presented is important and you guys do a great job of that. Any further advice is still appreciated.

---

Ukulele music I couldn't find anywhere else.
[colquhoun.info]

Implicitly noted before but worth repeating: be sure to ask your Daughter what she thinks good groundrules would be, too. Then after she says what she thinks they are, you may agree with some of what she says, and you can then say, “and here are some ideas I have, too.”
(edited and updated to correct Siri transcription errors)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/04/2020 06:35AM by anonymouse1.

Family is the most important thing in your (and my, and our) life, so treasure the time with your daughter. That is all, I'm sure she'll understand if everyone is a mature adult.

---

Hurts like a bastid...

In my opinion, 20 should barely be categorized as an "adult". She can't even legally drink. Come on. Give your kid a break. Sheesh!

I went to college local and lived at home until I graduated and still lived at home for another few years until I found a job and built up some savings. I was able to comfortably move out and find a place to rent at around 25/26-ish.

---

By the time the daughter (then 24) moved from home, both wife and I were casually leaving real estate flyers and applications (from us) around the house.

Quote
d4
In my opinion, 20 should barely be categorized as an "adult". She can't even legally drink. Come on. Give your kid a break. Sheesh!

I went to college local and lived at home until I graduated and still lived at home for another few years until I found a job and built up some savings. I was able to comfortably move out and find a place to rent at around 25/26-ish.

Yeah, same here. I guess culture is quite different for others, but what I did was the norm, not at all unusual.

---

Hurts like a bastid...

>I was thinking of asking her to make a family dinner once a week, look for a job and to be responsible for keeping the upstairs level of the house clean.

Eh, things get messy if there's a need for enforcement.

The trick is to get her to want to do these things.

---

She is smart, responsible, but I felt some guidelines would make us all happier so we don't all revert back to high school days.


You are absolutely correct.

A child needs to learn to be able to subsist on their own, and needs to learn those skill to best help them do that.

Yes, a mutually acceptable balance needs to be struck, but first and last, it's your home, and you have a right to certain expectations.

They have an obligation to remember that and behave accordingly, not upsetting the balance.

Returning home for whatever reason isn't a right and in most cases, is a parent or parents wanting to help out their child.

In some cases the child now legally an adult, never leaves again, sometimes to the betterment, many times to the detriment of the parents.

Parents have every right to expect their offsprings' contribution to the household, especially if there is no rent.

They spend a good portion of their lives raising, teaching, protecting, and providing for their kids.

That part of their lives, while never truly over, needs to be respected and not taken advantage of.

So yes, making dinner once or even twice a week, doing chores, earning their keep, is absolutely not unreasonable.

Nor is a parent or parents doting on returning offspring, spoiling them silly, if it all works for both sides of the equation.

I just think it's not really fair to the kid.

I'd say the 'no curfew' rule is BS.

It's your home, not a hotel or hostel.

A curfew of sorts, a guideline at this point, isn't for their well being or safety, as they could live somewhere else, but for your piece of mind.

You should be able to retire for the evening knowing that at some point everyone is somewhere safe and you don't need to worry whether something is wrong or not.

Just as you have to respect their adulthood, they need to respect it's your home not theirs, and being home doesn't entitle them to a free ride.

That's your call.

A mutually amenable balance need to be struck, and I honestly don't see that happening without some mutually acceptable house rules.

Sometimes playing by ear, winging it, taking it day by day works out fine.

I wouldn't count on it.

Kids move back with their folks all the time and for the majority of all concerned, it seems to work out ok.

But without mutual respect that just doesn't happen, and making some expectations known beforehand will go a long way towards rewarding cohabitation.

You're happy to have her back and that's a good thing.

To be fair she should know your expectations and any concerns before moving back, so a discussion will benefit both of you.

A returning child is not renting a hotel room, but is once again part of an immediate family unit, and there are new responsibilities for all responsible parties concerned.

It should be a pleasant symbiotic relationship, though it's not always possible, all the time.

If you've got a good kid who's responsible and open to discussion and communication, you're well ahead of a lot of families.

Best of luck to you.



Full disclosure: I'm not a parent nor have I had anybody's sibling(s) 'move back'.

But I have seen no small amount of both abusive parents and abusive 'kids' where relationships fell apart or where never there in the first place, ending either unsatisfactorily or tragically.

In either of those situations, moving back was a very bad idea.

That's not to say it's the norm, but they're the situations that stand out.

When it works, it's great, and when it doesn't, it can get really ugly.

When the kids are the problem, most parents don't realize they have to be legally evicted, and that's a process.

So that's worst case but it's all to say that guidelines are good, and if a returning 'child' balks, then that may be a red flag and time for a rethink.

Family dynamics can be extremely complex or surprisingly simple and there are seldom if ever one-size-fits-all answers.

---

I am that Masked Man.

All you can do, is all you can do.

There’s trouble — it's time to play the sound of my people.

Your boos mean nothing to me, I've seen what you cheer for.

Insisting on your rights without acknowledging your responsibilities isn’t freedom, it’s adolescence.

I've been to the edge of the map, and there be monsters.

We are a government of laws, not men.

Everybody counts or nobody counts.

When a good man is hurt,
all who would be called good
must suffer with him.

You and I have memories longer than the road that stretches out ahead.

There is no safety for honest men except
by believing all possible evil of evil men.

We don’t do focus groups. They just ensure that you don’t offend anyone, and produce bland inoffensive products. —Sir Jonathan Ive

An armed society is a polite society.
And hope is a lousy defense.

You make me pull, I'll put you down.

I *love* SIGs. It's Glocks I hate.

You do have a lot of rules!

Bottom line: Do have rules about stuff that physically impinges on you (messiness and chores, mostly). Don't have rules about stuff that doesn't impinge on you physically (curfew, mostly)
To be decided situationally: Being sexually active in the house; use of recreational substances in the house.

We're probably more laid back than most parents. Our daughters live with us (one never left, one came back) and are 29 and 31. One fills and empties the dishwasher; the other is my personal bartender. LOL.

Seriously, though, there's more to it than that. We work it out as we go along.

---

Central VA

Covid times require good bubble management. Sending young person out to work and/or young person’s natural tendencies for social interactions seems counterproductive to a tight bubble.

Worth a major discussion…

---

=wr=

Quote
Don C
Free advice and worth every penny of it ...

Could you have a conversation with her about this very thing? Let her offer what she thinks would be fair; you can counter-offer if you think that contribution is too light or too stringent.

I like this approach. It lets her know you are engaging her as an adult on equal footing instead of a child, which I believe will make a big difference to her.

---

It is what it is.

Oh be sure everyone is in agreement. Getting my wife to realize our son was an adult proved difficult.

---

“No persons are more frequently wrong, than those who will not admit they are wrong.” -- François de La Rochefoucauld

"Those who cannot accept the past are condemned to revise it." -- Geo. Mathias

The German word for contraceptive is “Schwangerschaftsverhütungsmittel”. By the time you finished saying that, it’s too late

Getting my wife to realize our son was an adult proved difficult.


A friend of mine had the same problem with his son and wife.

He couldn't get his son, 20-something, living at home doing nothing but downloading music from Napster, to accept any responsibility.

He'd dropped out of college twice, and Mom did the laundry, cleaned his room, made his bed...

One day he very deliberately took Son aside and told him 'should anything happen to your mother, you're out the door before she's in the ground'.

Apparently that was the start of turning over the proverbial new leaf.

The kid became very successful in IT, and is doing well with his own family.

When Son's wife had her first child, Dad told son 'You're about to experience the Hell I went through'.

I don't know that came to pass, but Dad does everything possible to spoil the now two grandkids.

---

I am that Masked Man.

All you can do, is all you can do.

There’s trouble — it's time to play the sound of my people.

Your boos mean nothing to me, I've seen what you cheer for.

Insisting on your rights without acknowledging your responsibilities isn’t freedom, it’s adolescence.

I've been to the edge of the map, and there be monsters.

We are a government of laws, not men.

Everybody counts or nobody counts.

When a good man is hurt,
all who would be called good
must suffer with him.

You and I have memories longer than the road that stretches out ahead.

There is no safety for honest men except
by believing all possible evil of evil men.

We don’t do focus groups. They just ensure that you don’t offend anyone, and produce bland inoffensive products. —Sir Jonathan Ive

An armed society is a polite society.
And hope is a lousy defense.

You make me pull, I'll put you down.

I *love* SIGs. It's Glocks I hate.

start with making them pay rent.

We have had this situation. It is very important to lay down ground rules from the start. That could include rent (and this does provide motivation to eventually move on) and other contributions. She is saving you money by moving back so that should be taken into account. You will both be irritated at times, perhaps, lots of time. If you don't provide any motivation for your offspring to leave, they won't.