I am anonymouse1, I'm Jewish, and I think these are funny!
Just before Rosh Hashanah, a team of terrorists invades the shul and takes the rabbi, the cantor and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the governor stands tough; he won't give them a million dollars, nor a getaway car nor a jumbo jet. The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that things look bad and they're going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to show that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll grant each hostage one wish.
"Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've been working on my Rosh Hashanah sermon. What a waste to die now without having carried it before an audience. I'll go happily if you let me recite my sermon. It's two and a half hours long, tops." The terrorists promise to grant the wish.
"Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years I've finally gotten the Hinneni prayer just right. What a waste to die and not sing it to an audience. It's only about 45 minutes long, then I'll go happily." The terrorists promise to grant the cantor his wish, too, and they turn to the shul president.
"Please," says the president with tears in his eyes. "Shoot me first!"
*****
Businessman Abe Greenberg phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry Mr Greenberg, but he died last week."
The next day Abe phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day he calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "Mr Greenberg, I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "It gives me such pleasure to hear you say that."
****
During one service in a wealthy synagogue, the rabbi got carried away. Falling on hands and knees, forehead to the floor, he said, "Oh G-d, before thee I am nothing.”
The cantor, not to be outdone, also got down, forehead to wood and said, "Oh G-d, before thee I am nothing."
Seeing this, Levy, a tailor in the fourth row, left his seat, fell to his knees, forehead to the floor and he too said "Oh G-d, before thee I am nothing.”
With this, the cantor elbowed the rabbi and sniffed: "Look who thinks he's nothing!"
****
On a windy day in New York City, a Hassidic rabbi's fur hat flew off and was rescued by a man who returned it to the rabbi. The rabbi said, "Thank you, are you Jewish?"
"No," said the man.
"Well," said the rabbi, "I can't bless you, but I see an afternoon of great wealth for you."
The man thinks, "What can it be? I know—I can make the last four races at the horse track."
He goes and looks at the programme and sees a horse named Top Hat in the next race.
"An omen," he thinks, and bets $100 and wins. The next race has a horse named Stetson—again he bets it all and wins. The next race features a horse named Beret, and he naturally wins again. He bets it all on the next race and loses everything. He goes home and tells his wife the story.
"What horse did you bet on in the last race?" she asks.
He says, "Chateau—French for hat."
"Idiot," she says. "Chapeau is French for hat—by the way, who won the race?'
"I don't know," he says, "some Japanese horse called Yarmulka!"
****
A rabbi, a minister and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "L*rd, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
****
A minister, a priest and a rabbi die in a car crash. They go to heaven for orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends, family and congregants are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?"
The minister says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man."
The priest says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher and a servant of G-d who made a huge difference in people's lives."
The rabbi replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
****
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