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Friday Funnies
Posted by: pRICE cUBE
Date: January 22, 2021 09:30AM






Ways to improve web conference image and sound quality. [forums.macresource.com]






Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/22/2021 09:31AM by pRICE cUBE.
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Fred_Also
Date: January 22, 2021 09:53AM
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.

If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're usually 90 degrees.

What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? "Put it on my bill."

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

I took part in the suntanning Olympics, but I only got bronze.

Not only is my new thesaurus terrible, it's also terrible.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

The other day I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice jester.
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: DeusxMac
Date: January 22, 2021 10:04AM
Quote
Fred_Also
Not only is my new thesaurus terrible, it's also terrible.

huh smiley
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: pRICE cUBE
Date: January 22, 2021 10:16AM






Ways to improve web conference image and sound quality. [forums.macresource.com]


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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: anonymouse1
Date: January 22, 2021 10:24AM
Mitzi’s husband Hershel was late coming home again.

Fed up, she wrote him a note saying, “I’ve had it! I’ve left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”

Mitzi placed the note on his dresser, then hid under the bed to see his reaction.

Some time later, Hershel came home. She heard him rummage the fridge, walk up the stairs and enter their bedroom.

She watched him go over to the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on the back of her note. Then he called someone on his cell.

“She finally did it. She left me… ‘Bout time, right? Darling, from now it’s you and me. Put on that slinky dress and meet me at the Waldorf. It’s gonna be a night to remember, and breakfast in bed! …I love you too. Can’t wait.”

Hershel grabbed his keys and trotted down the stairs. Mitzi heard his car drive off as she emerged from beneath the bed, furious and sobbing.

Wiping her tears, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

“I saw your feet. We’re out of ice cream. Back in ten minutes.”

****
Mrs. Pearlman went to the doctor’s office, and saw Dr. Levine, one of the new young doctors.

Five minutes later, she burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the corridor.

Gray-haired Dr. Goldberg asked what was happening, and heard her story.

He calmed her down, seated her in his office and asked her to wait there for a moment. Then he hustled over to Dr. Levine’s examination room.

“Are you insane? Mrs. Pearlman is 61 years old! She has four grown kids and seven grandchildren, and you told her she’s pregnant?”

“Does she still have the hiccups?”
***
On Rosh Hashanah morning the rabbi noticed little Sammy staring up at the plaque in the synagogue lobby. It was covered with names, and American flags stood on either side. The seven-year old had been staring at the memorial for some time, so the rabbi walked up and said, “Shana tova, Sammy. May you be inscribed for a good year.”

“Shana tova, Rabbi,”answered Sammy, but he was still focused on the plaque.

The rabbi was about to leave when Sammy asked, “Rabbi, what is this?”

“Well, Sammy, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service.”

Silently, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally Sammy whispered, “Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?”
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Rick-o
Date: January 22, 2021 10:46AM




Mr. Lahey: A lot of people, don’t know how to drink. They drink against the grain of the liquor. And when you drink against the grain of the liquor? You lose.

Randy: What the @#$%& are you talking about?
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Fred_Also
Date: January 22, 2021 10:49AM
Quote
pRICE cUBE


I worked with a guy who said his neighbor's dog would always come over in his front yard to poop. One day he was standing in his garage with the door open and there was the dog in his yard pooping. He had a BB gun there to run off pigeons so, while still standing in his garage, shot the dog in the but with the BB gun.

The dog took off running so to watch the action, he stepped out into his driveway. There was the neighbor lady standing in her yard. She yelled, "How would you like it if I shot you with that BB gun?".

He answered, "Lady if I was pooping in your yard, you'd have every right to".
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Ammo
Date: January 22, 2021 01:07PM
Yesterday I asked the teller at the bank to check my balance and she pushed me.

The first time I bought a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything.”

It’s amazing - both smoking and bacon will kill you, but if you smoke bacon, you will cure it.



Where is there dignity unless there is also honesty? - Cicero

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. —Wendy Mass
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: pRICE cUBE
Date: January 22, 2021 01:49PM
The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on the list.



The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.



Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.




I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.



Ways to improve web conference image and sound quality. [forums.macresource.com]


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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: RAMd®d
Date: January 22, 2021 06:42PM
The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on the list.


That is brilliant, and hysterically POMTL funny!





Your boos mean nothing to me, I've seen what you cheer for.

Insisting on your rights without acknowledging your responsibilities isn’t freedom, it’s adolescence.

We are a government of laws, not men.

Everybody matters or nobody matters.

When a good man is hurt,
all who would be called good
must suffer with him.

You and I have memories longer than the road that stretches out ahead.

There is no safety for honest men except
by believing all possible evil of evil men.

We don’t do focus groups. They just ensure that you don’t offend anyone, and produce bland inoffensive products. —Sir Jonathan Ive

An armed society is a polite society.
And hope is a lousy defense.

You make me pull, I'll put you down.

I *love* SIGs. It's Glocks I hate.
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: Todd's keyboard
Date: January 22, 2021 07:17PM
This Friday is a very strong batch.


"Oops, I dropped the toothpaste," Tom said, crestfallen.
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Re: Friday Funnies
Posted by: PeterB
Date: January 22, 2021 09:30PM





















Freya says, 'Hello from NOLA, baby!' (Laissez bon temps rouler!)
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