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Q: How do you tell that you are in the hands of the Mathematical Mafia?
A: They make you an offer that you can't understand.

A mathematician and a Wall street broker went to races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The mathematician was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the mathematician.
"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed:
"I told you, I knew the secret!"
"What is your secret?" the mathematician asked.
"It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."
"But, three and five is eight," the mathematician protested.
"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally, that my calculation is correct! 3+5=9!"

A mathematician and an engineer are on desert island. They find two palm trees with one coconut each. The engineer climbs up one tree, gets the coconut, eats. The mathematician climbs up the other tree, gets the coconut, climbs the other tree and puts it there. "Now we've reduced it to a problem we know how to solve."

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".
Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"
Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."
The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".
Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".
Medical Student : "4" All others looking astonished : "How did you know ??" Medical Student : :I memorized it."

Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math. department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."
________________________________________

A pianist and singer are rehearsing "Autumn Leaves" for a concert and the pianist says: "OK. We will start in G minor and then on the third beat, modulate to B major and go into 5/4. When you get to the bridge, modulate back down to F# minor and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar. On the last A section go into double time and slowly modulate back to G minor."

The singer says: "Wow, I don't think I can remember all of that."

The pianist says: "Well, that's what you did last time."

Now, that made me laugh out loud.

Seen at South Padre Island:

Did you hear about the constipated Mathematician?




He worked it out with a pencil.

Quote
Ammo
A pianist and singer are rehearsing "Autumn Leaves" for a concert and the pianist says: "OK. We will start in G minor and then on the third beat, modulate to B major and go into 5/4. When you get to the bridge, modulate back down to F# minor and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar. On the last A section go into double time and slowly modulate back to G minor."

The singer says: "Wow, I don't think I can remember all of that."

The pianist says: "Well, that's what you did last time."

I MUST add this...
[www.youtube.com]

But this is even "better"!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/10/2021 12:48PM by DeusxMac.

The Gunfighter

Late to this (it was done 7 years ago) but couldn't not pass it on. Eight minutes you won't regret. NSFW

a lot of those math jokes just don't add up

Quote
Steve G.
a lot of those math jokes just don't add up

But they do seem to be multiplying.

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Mr. Lahey: Why don't you get a life Rick? Why don't ya go to community college like Julian here. Hey, I got a good idea. You could teach, livin' in a car and growin' dope 101.

Ricky: Hehe. And you can teach how to get drunk, get fired from the police force, become a... lousy trailer park supervisor that sucks, hangs around with a @#$%&' idiot that doesn't wear a shirt, and looks like a dick but thinks he looks good... 101.

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.
Love Dad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES!
Love Bubba,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At 4 the next morning, F. B. I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Bubba.

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Mr. Lahey: Why don't you get a life Rick? Why don't ya go to community college like Julian here. Hey, I got a good idea. You could teach, livin' in a car and growin' dope 101.

Ricky: Hehe. And you can teach how to get drunk, get fired from the police force, become a... lousy trailer park supervisor that sucks, hangs around with a @#$%&' idiot that doesn't wear a shirt, and looks like a dick but thinks he looks good... 101.

british humor

Quote
Rick-o

Quote
Steve G.
a lot of those math jokes just don't add up

But they do seem to be multiplying.

I feel the jokes divide us.

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Didn't qualify for unemployment benies so took a job with a tow outfit

Electric scooter with trombone.

yout.ube

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She offered her honor and he honored her offer, so all day long it was honor and offer.

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pRICE cUBE

Quote
Rick-o

Quote
Steve G.
a lot of those math jokes just don't add up

But they do seem to be multiplying.

I feel the jokes divide us.

How about positive, man, don’t go all negative on us! The real question is: Are they real, or imaginary?

Quote
Diana

Quote
pRICE cUBE

Quote
Rick-o

Quote
Steve G.
a lot of those math jokes just don't add up

But they do seem to be multiplying.

I feel the jokes divide us.

How about positive, man, don’t go all negative on us! The real question is: Are they real, or imaginary?

They are very complex.

Quote
space-time

Quote
Diana

Quote
pRICE cUBE

Quote
Rick-o

Quote
Steve G.
a lot of those math jokes just don't add up

But they do seem to be multiplying.

I feel the jokes divide us.

How about positive, man, don’t go all negative on us! The real question is: Are they real, or imaginary?

They are very complex.

If I could only sum up my feelings about all this.

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Ways to improve web conference image and sound quality. [forums.macresource.com]