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So, my Mom died
Posted by: rjmacs
Date: October 12, 2021 12:06PM
I've been away from the forum for a while. Originally it was because a house search had consumed my time, and my partner and I were spending every spare moment finding our new home. Eventually, we did, and we closed in mid-August and moved into our new house on Aug. 31st. However, by the time that came to pass we were consumed by something very different.

Just days before we closed on the house my mother went to see her primary care doctor at the immediate family's urging. In the weeks prior Mom's mood and demeanor had changed. Initially we each guessed this was a mild funk or depression resulting from both of her children moving further away (though in my case, just 25 minutes farther). As time passed, however, it was clear more was going on. She went to her internist on Aug. 12, who ordered a CT for the morning of the 13th. Based on the initial results, her doctor sent her to a hospital to get an MRI; the scan showed several lesions in her frontal cortex. A biopsy performed Aug. 17 and pathology results on Aug. 25 confirmed that she had glioblastoma, a particularly aggressive and 100% fatal form of brain cancer. (Ted Kennedy and John McCain both died of glioblastoma.)

Mom's cognitive state had diminished, though she was conversational and mostly present. She struggled with some expressive aphasia (trouble finding a/the right word) and memory trouble, but she knew us and more or less understood her circumstances and predicament.

On the advice of trusted friends we sought consultations with glioblastoma experts at Johns Hopkins. Because of the number and location of her tumors, her cancer was inoperable. That left the options of chemotherapy and/or radiation, which Mom was eager to start. After a week in an acute rehab hospital following her initial hospitalization, she came home Monday, Aug. 30th. Several appointments later, Mom decided to start chemo+radiation, and was scheduled to meet her Hopkins radiation oncologist on Friday, Sept. 10.

During the early morning of the 10th, my Dad found Mom minimally responsive around 3 AM. The ER doctor identified her as being in status epilepticus, which means uncontrolled seizure activity. They gave her anti-seizure medication, ruled out a stroke, and admitted her to the ICU. Mom never really regained consciousness, despite several days of treatment and round-the-clock vigils by my brother, father, partner, and me. Per an advance directive she completed in 2020, we withdrew life sustaining support on the 18th and she died early in the morning Sunday, Sept. 19th, in the company of family. Thankfully she had made her choices about end-of life care clear before the onset of her illness; she never required CPR or intubation.

My mom was one of the most intellectual, optimistic, and passionate people I've known. I learned to be myself in conversation with her more than anyone, and this loss is gutting. It seems particularly cruel that her disease attacked her cognition; she was an incredibly intelligent and thoughtful person, and thinking was one of her favorite activities - that, and cheering on the Maryland Terrapins. I'm grateful that before her final hospitalization, she was conscious and able to appreciate that she was loved and to express love, even when her mind wasn't working well.

I'm pretty lost these days. We celebrated my birthday a few days early with Mom & Dad on Aug. 12, and held her memorial on Oct. 8. My Dad is even more affected than I; their 50th wedding anniversary would have been Oct. 9th, and she is the only woman my Dad ever loved romantically. When they met he was still a priest, and he left his vocation to marry her and start our family.

One step, then another, and then another. One breath, then another, and then another. We're all moving forward, but it's slow, hard going.



rj
AKA
Vreemac, Moth of the Future
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: NewtonMP2100
Date: October 12, 2021 12:09PM
....my condolences......sorry to hear of your loss.....



_____________________________________

I reject your reality and substitute my own!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/12/2021 12:09PM by NewtonMP2100.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: mrbigstuff
Date: October 12, 2021 12:10PM
Condolences, so very sorry to hear. Here's hoping you and dad can find peace.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: space-time
Date: October 12, 2021 12:17PM
Sorry for your loss.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: Zoidberg
Date: October 12, 2021 12:22PM
Very, very sorry to hear it, rj. Wishing you strength and peace.



YMMV (Your Mileage May Vary)
TETO (To Each Their Own)

(BTW, it's spelled < y'all >.)
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: prymsnap
Date: October 12, 2021 12:23PM
So very sorry for your loss, rjmacs. Thank you for sharing this news with our little community.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: Paul F.
Date: October 12, 2021 12:25PM
I am very sorry for your loss!
It's not much consolation, but I know the lost feeling (my dad passed on June 27).
One day, and one step, at a time!



Paul F.
-----
A sword never kills anybody; it is a tool in the killer's hand. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca c. 5 BC - 65 AD
----
Good is the enemy of Excellent. Talent is not necessary for Excellence.
Persistence is necessary for Excellence. And Persistence is a Decision.

--

--

--
Eureka, CA
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: TheCaber
Date: October 12, 2021 12:28PM
R.I.P., rjmacs' mom. It is hard to deal with such a loss, even when you see it coming. We will be here if you need us. Take care of yourself, your partner, and your family and friends. Be well.



=TC
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: Rick-o
Date: October 12, 2021 12:36PM
May she rest in peace.

So sorry to hear about your loss. It's a terrible thing to deal with, losing a loved one.



Mr. Lahey: A lot of people, don’t know how to drink. They drink against the grain of the liquor. And when you drink against the grain of the liquor? You lose.

Randy: What the @#$%& are you talking about?
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: cbelt3
Date: October 12, 2021 12:36PM
So sorry to hear of your loss. My saying in these times is....

Sorrow shared is sorrow reduced.
Joy shared is joy increased.

Share stories of your Mom as often as you can. We would love to know her through your eyes.

FWIW.. we lost my Mom at the end of this August... a rapid decline and probable stroke. Root cause unknown, sudden onset kidney disease, long haul COVID complications, lots of possibilities. Her brain just gave out. A long life well lived, filled with love, laughter, hard work, activism and advocacy, learning and teaching. The Zoom Irish Wake was so much fun,,, stories her children and grandchildren had never learned came to light (the ones about Mom exchanging English lessons for live chickens and Portuguese lessons in the small town in Brazil they landed in with my then infant sister were awesome..)
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: raz
Date: October 12, 2021 12:41PM
I'm so sorry fo your loss. Please cherish the good memories. I'm sure you have a lot of them.



--------------

Embarassing myself on the Internet since 1978.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: mstudio
Date: October 12, 2021 12:44PM
So sorry to hear. Be there for your Dad and keep her in your heart.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: lost in space
Date: October 12, 2021 12:44PM
What a difficult time for you and yours. My condolences.



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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: Acer
Date: October 12, 2021 12:45PM
So sorry for your loss. I envy that you had time with her in her last moments, and time to contemplate those moments, even if she was incapacitated.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: Spiff
Date: October 12, 2021 12:45PM
Sorry for this, rjmacs. GBMs are one of those rare cancers that we can do nothing about. It sounds like she gave a good fight to the end. Glad she is at peace, now.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: RgrF
Date: October 12, 2021 01:00PM
Sorry for your loss. Your eloquence in introducing us to your Mom is striking. Best to you.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: Z
Date: October 12, 2021 01:06PM
Lost my grandmother in similar fashion over a slightly longer timetable almost 30 years ago. Very glad to read she had her AD and other medical docs in order to save the consternation. My sincere condolences.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: anonymouse1
Date: October 12, 2021 01:19PM
So very, very sorry to hear this. It's a hard time.

May good memories help lift you up.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: N-OS X-tasy!
Date: October 12, 2021 01:30PM
Very sorry for your loss. It's been five years since I lost my mom and I'm still coming to terms with it. I miss her all the time.



It is what it is.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: graylocks
Date: October 12, 2021 01:41PM
Peace and Light to you and your family, rjmacs. Cherish the memories. Your Mom's spirit will be with you forever.



"Success isn't about how much money you make. It is about the difference you make in people's lives."--Michelle Obama



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/12/2021 01:41PM by graylocks.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: PeterB
Date: October 12, 2021 01:54PM
Very sorry for your loss. From your very poignant description of her, it sounds like she is and will continue to be very dearly missed. Agreed that it is most important for you to be there for your dad and rest of the family right now.




Freya says, 'Hello from NOLA, baby!' (Laissez bon temps rouler!)
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: rich in distress
Date: October 12, 2021 02:06PM
May she Rest In Peace.
It took a while, but memories from my mom and dad are among my brightest rays of sun.
My condolences.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: DP
Date: October 12, 2021 02:11PM
What everyone else said. I know it's tough...





A throwback image to celebrate Autumn.

Disclaimer: This post is checked for correct spelling, punctuation, and grammar. Any attempts at humor are solely the responsibility of the author and bear no claim that any and all readers will approve or appreciate said attempt at humor.
My name is DP, and I approve this message.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: Buzz
Date: October 12, 2021 02:34PM
Sorry for the loss to you and your family. Sounds like you got one of the good ones, and that your pops chose wisely 50 years ago.

May peace and good memories be with you and yours.
==
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: Grateful11
Date: October 12, 2021 02:38PM
So very sorry to hear of the loss of your Mom. Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.



Grateful11
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: MrNoBody
Date: October 12, 2021 02:45PM
My condolences. Lost my mom six years ago, she was 95 years young.
Be strong, be well!



39°36'17"N 75°44'43"W

DuckDuckGo
The search engine that doesn't track you.

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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: mikebw
Date: October 12, 2021 03:07PM
RJ I am so sorry to hear about that. My condolences to you and your family.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: bazookaman
Date: October 12, 2021 03:08PM
So sorry to hear that.



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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: Lew Zealand
Date: October 12, 2021 03:12PM
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom. it's clear that she was a huge part of your and your Dad's life. I hope you can be there for him in whatever way helps both of you the best to help you through this difficult time.

And don't forget to lean on your friends here and IRL. That's what they're/we're there for.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: wave rider
Date: October 12, 2021 03:13PM
Words are never enough… I am so sorry for your loss.



=wr=
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: Ca Bob
Date: October 12, 2021 03:22PM
My condolences.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: SKYLANE
Date: October 12, 2021 03:36PM
After the passing of an aunt earlier in this year, I found this card to send off to my uncle. I liked the words in the card and wrote them down in my notes. Sharing those words here for rjmacs, family, and friends. RIP to mom.



Memories Build a Special Bridge
A Message of Sympathy
by Emily Matthews


Our memories build
a special bridge
when loved ones have to part
To help us feel we're with them still
and soothe a grieving heart...

Our memories span
the years we shared,
preserving ties that bind,
They build a special bridge of love
and bring us peace of mind.

Thinking about you
and wishing you courage
to help see you through, day by day -
And hoping your memories
will warm your heart always
and bring so much comfort your way.

With Heartfelt Sympathy
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: vicrock
Date: October 12, 2021 03:59PM
Condolences - no matter how old you are it is very difficult to lose a parent.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: wurm
Date: October 12, 2021 04:22PM
Very sorry for your loss. Your last sentence pretty much says it all.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: rgG
Date: October 12, 2021 04:25PM
Quote
vicrock
Condolences - no matter how old you are it is very difficult to lose a parent.

This. sad smiley
Very sorry to hear of your loss.





Roswell, GA (Atlanta suburb)
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: davester
Date: October 12, 2021 04:32PM
So sorry to hear that rjmacs.



"In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they would actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion." (1987) -- Carl Sagan
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: tuqqer
Date: October 12, 2021 04:37PM
thank you for writing that out, rjmacs, anyone who reads it is there with you for a bit.



Mac mini (M1 2020, 16G 2T) Big Sur 11.x Dual 25" Acer 1440p LCDs11" i5 MacBook Air
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: vision63
Date: October 12, 2021 05:03PM
Your mom was incredible. She raised a super sweet, thoughtful child of good consciousness and love. I appreciate that she appreciated life and fought this.

I knew something bad was happening. I'm horrified to learn that this is the reason why dear friend. Nothing is going to alleviate the pain. You'll just have to learn to deal with it. You were close to your mom and saw her as a person. I prayed for her, your dad, you, your family and all her friends because I know everybody is going to miss her so badly. That you all can cope.

I'm glad you guys got the house. Keep loving and celebrating your mom. She was special and so are you.

love v63



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/12/2021 05:04PM by vision63.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: Marc Anthony
Date: October 12, 2021 05:36PM
I am very sorry for your (and your dad's) loss. I hope you can find solace in each other's company and the time you had together as a family.



Le poète doit vivre beaucoup, vivre dans tous les sens. - Verlaine
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: p8712
Date: October 12, 2021 05:38PM
I'm very sorry.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: Speedy
Date: October 12, 2021 05:53PM
You have my sincerest condolences.



Saint Cloud, Minnesota, where the weather is wonderful even when it isn't.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: Bernie
Date: October 12, 2021 06:01PM
Condolences to you and your family.




Staunton, Virginia
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: S. Pupp
Date: October 12, 2021 06:25PM
I am so sorry to hear about that.
My deepest sympathies.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: space-time
Date: October 12, 2021 06:44PM
Once again sorry for your loss. When I posted earlier today, I was at work, read the Subject on my iPhone and I didn't have the emotional energy to read the entire post.

Only now at home, after a long day, I read your post and wow, I have to say again, I am sorry for your loss. RIP.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: Grumpyguy
Date: October 12, 2021 06:45PM
My condolences. A couple of days ago, my very vibrant 96 year old mom had a blood clot in her brain and she is in an induced coma to let her heal. It take a couple of days to find out what kind of damage was done. I understand how you feel.



Bryan
______________________________________________________
Mac Mini 2.6 GHz, 16 GB ram Big Sur
MacBook Pro (Early 2008 model) 2.4 GHz, 4 GB ram, 200 GB hard drive/ Mac OS 10.9.1
iPhone XR
Location: Cincinnati
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: Fritz
Date: October 12, 2021 07:03PM
sorry for your loss.
we went thru a GBM with our dad (and mums husband of 50 years) 20 years ago. Beyond all words.



!#$@@$#!

If there are spelling issues, please pardon, Owen the cat is sitting on my keyboard.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: RAMd®d
Date: October 12, 2021 07:04PM
Geeeze, that's so sad.

My condolences on your loss.

Good memories are to be cherished.





Your boos mean nothing to me, I've seen what you cheer for.

Insisting on your rights without acknowledging your responsibilities isn’t freedom, it’s adolescence.

We are a government of laws, not men.

Everybody matters or nobody matters.

When a good man is hurt,
all who would be called good
must suffer with him.

You and I have memories longer than the road that stretches out ahead.

There is no safety for honest men except
by believing all possible evil of evil men.

We don’t do focus groups. They just ensure that you don’t offend anyone, and produce bland inoffensive products. —Sir Jonathan Ive

An armed society is a polite society.
And hope is a lousy defense.

You make me pull, I'll put you down.

I *love* SIGs. It's Glocks I hate.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: August West
Date: October 12, 2021 07:15PM
That's tough. Peace be with you.



Apologies to the anonymous forum member affected by my previous sig pic. It was my personal pic of a country expressing great grief as their leader, one of the most recognized people in the world, lay on his deathbed 8 years ago, days before he died. Like a naif, I did not realize it was offensively political, I considered it an expression of deep emotion and a reminder of the mortal coil's nature; that we all, great and small, can only hope to make a difference in our short time here, no matter the personal cost.

I'll post another pic from my work in South Africa that is, hopefully, apolitical.

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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: Drew
Date: October 12, 2021 07:18PM
Thank you for sharing with us. I'm very sorry to hear about your loss.
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Re: So, my Mom died
Posted by: JoeM
Date: October 12, 2021 07:58PM
So sorry for your loss. I hope your memories of times with her when she was healthy can give you some comfort during what surely is a difficult time.



JoeM
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