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Ways to improve web conference image and sound quality. [forums.macresource.com]






Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/12/2023 10:53AM by pRICE cUBE.

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Ukulele music I couldn't find anywhere else.
[colquhoun.info]

Why did NASA want to send a donkey to the moon?



Because he was a real ASSTRONAUT.

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.

A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive."
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.
"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"
The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.
When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

Paul

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many beers before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home. On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint on the freeway. The cops were pulling over cars and performing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi, they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from...

Ha Ha! Excellent. I should have seen that one coming.

the last chance for this Seinfeld joke-

But I love being a dad. I was there at the birth. Obviously, the most dramatic human life moment. Anytime two people walk into a room, and three come out… a major event took place in that room. At the end of life, we go back basically into the same room, same bed, same stuff around. And again, a different number of people coming out than went in, but that is the human-being business. We gotta turn inventory, fresh product, keep the supply chain moving. We gotta get ’em in. We gotta get ’em out. That’s the hospital’s job. It’s rest, cleanliness. If it doesn’t work out, we help you move on. It says “hospital” when you walk in, but it could also be “Bed Bath & Beyond.”

Why did the Wikipedia mods take down the article on Darwin’s Theory of Evolution?

The link was missing.

...

What do other plants do when a plant friend is sad?

Photosympathize.

...

A new Nintendo game came out last month with DLC that let you play as a proton or an electron. Lots of people wrote in requesting a neutron mod. Surprisingly, Nintendo released it immediately. No charge.

...

A Catholic couple dies in a car accident the night before their wedding. They arrive together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets them and asks if they have any questions before entering the Kingdom of Heaven.

The couple looks at each other and the woman says, "Well, we were both very much looking forward to getting married tomorrow. Will we be able to get married in heaven?"

St. Peter appears stumped by the question. "No one's ever asked that before. Let me check."

St. Peter ducks behind the gates and disappears. Days pass. Years pass. Finally, after a century has passed, St. Peter returns.

"I'm sorry it took so long, but I have your answer. Yes, you can get married in heaven. Any other questions before I let you in?"

The couple looks at each other again, and this time the man says, "You know, while you were gone we got to talking. Eternity is a long time, and in case our marriage doesn't work out, can we get divorced in heaven?"

St. Peter throws up his arms. "It took me 100 years to find a priest!" he exclaims, "How long do you think it's going to take me to find a lawyer in here?!"

---

Satan appears to a lawyer...
...and says to him, "I offer you this deal. Every year for the next five years, you will have 5,000 billable hours at three times your current rate. You will win every case, and some of your cases will become landmarks in the law books. After the five years, your soul, as well as the souls of your wife, your children, their spouses, and your grandchildren will all be forfeit to me, and you will all be damned for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a few seconds and then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
==

My wife accused me of being a terrible lawyer.
I couldn’t defend myself.
==

Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly: Did you steal the car?”
Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning. I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”
==

The trouble with the legal profession is that…
98% of its members give the rest a bad name.
==

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?
A: Other lawyers look interested.
==

Q: Why are there no Irish lawyers?
A: They can’t pass the bar.
==

Q: What’s the difference between a cat and a lawyer?
A: One is an arrogant creature who will ignore you and treat you with contempt unless it can get something out of you.....

The other is a household pet.
==

Lawyer, speaking to a dog on trial for murder: “Who’s a good boy? “

Dog: “I am.”

Lawyer: “Your honor, I rest my case.”
==

A man asks his Solicitor: “If I give you £400, will you answer two questions for me?”

The solicitor replies: “Absolutely! What’s the second question?”
==

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.
==

A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate.
Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, “Is there a criminal attorney in town?”

To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, “Yeah, but we can’t prove it yet!”
==

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away....., how many orchards does it take to keep a lawyer away?
==

Q: Do you know how copper wire was invented?
A: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
==