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how to not dwell
Posted by: davemchine
Date: July 10, 2007 06:56PM
So I find out a friend of mine is in the county jail today. Domestic violence charges. This guy cries when the soft music plays in movies so I have no idea what happened. I went to visit him, made sure he was going to get out tonight, made sure he had whatever he needed to get by on the short term. But this afternoon it's all I can think about. Him going to jail, his little kids seeing it happen, the dissolving marriage (for awhile), it's all just so ugly. Now I have a headache. Other people seem to just let this stuff roll off their shoulders. I envy them.

Dave



Ukulele music I couldn't find anywhere else.
[colquhoun.info]
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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: MacArtist
Date: July 10, 2007 07:07PM
I watched my parents go through a lot before they split up.

I really feel for those little kids. They love their mom and dad.

You are being a great friend.

A lot of joy to life and sometimes a lot of pain.



I sit on a man’s back, choking him and making
him carry me, and yet assure myself and others
that I am very sorry for him and wish to ease his
lot by all possible means — except by getting off
his back. - Leo Tolstoy, novelist and Philosopher
(1828-1910)

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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: Pam
Date: July 10, 2007 07:36PM
Wait, you showered all your support on the guy who was charged with domestic violence? Just what he needs, "understanding" friends. Enable these guys some more. There's such a need.

A good friend would deman answers, contrition, and leave his sorry butt in jail.
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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: AlphaDog
Date: July 10, 2007 07:48PM
And what kind of support did you provide to his wife? You know, the one who is the victim. Like Pam, I think your efforts were misplaced, unless, of course, you went to see your friend after you'd already visited with the battered spouse, made sure she has what she needs, and tried to do something to provide some comfort to her kids.

Maybe the reason you're dwelling is because you somehow recognize that your efforts were misplaced?

I've seen lots of sociopaths cry, so tears don't scream "Mr. Sensitivity" to me.
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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: SteveO
Date: July 10, 2007 07:53PM
Tough situation. I'd recommend some serious counseling to him. And his wife and kid/s. I feel the most for them; I imagine your friend, if he is a real man, is feeling sick about the whole thing and will for the rest of his life. As it should be. Not saying I wish him ill, just ill enough that he never makes a bad decision like that again. You are a good friend to try and help him so this does not happen again.
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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: Carthaigh
Date: July 10, 2007 07:53PM
Love is a battlefield...



This message has been brought to you by the Threadkiller™
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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: ho'ard
Date: July 10, 2007 08:28PM
Did something get deleted? I don't see any way of knowing what really happened from what's written here. You people scare me.
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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: mrbigstuff
Date: July 10, 2007 08:58PM
Whoa! Whoa! The guy gave an open ear and a helping hand to someone he is very close to and you're jumping down his throat?!? Yes, what about the wife? Did she call in a bogus call of domestic violence? What do you (we) know about this case other than what someone is telling us about a friend he knows very well and seems to hold quite dear. Would you not do the same for a friend?
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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: cbelt3
Date: July 10, 2007 09:04PM
dave-
good luck. Tough thing to have happen to anyone, much less friends. Just remember what they tell you in counsellor school---
Don't go down with the ship. All you can do is listen, but you can't MAKE them change.

Hope your friend and his family find a better way to communicate.
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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: ztirffritz
Date: July 10, 2007 09:54PM
I'm not sure if it is a local policy or state policy, but if the police are called to a residence for a domestic disturbance they ensure that someone goes to jail and is charged. Usually the guy. The intention is to ensure that the two people are separated and given time to cool off.

I had a coworker who came home to find his wife knocking boots with someone else. After some understandable anger and yelling he tried to get his things and leave, but she went crazy and started hitting him. The cops arrived as he was trying to leave. He was trying to close the door on his car and she grabbed it as he was closing it, pinching her fingers. The cops added assault to his domestic abuse charge because they witnessed the action. They hauled him to jail. He had to attend anger management' classes which he had to pay for. The bill was about $1000 for the classes, the bail was about $500, the week of hotel rooms were about $500 and the divorce took anything that was left. If he wasn't mad at her before he surely was afterward. The cops did everything that they were expected to do, but it was obvious that in this case it was the woman that was at fault.



**************************************
MacResource User Map: [www.zeemaps.com]#
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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: davemchine
Date: July 11, 2007 12:34AM
Indeed I was very concerned about what might have occured between my friend and his wife. I spoke with a relative who is also a police officer to get the scoop on just what constitutes domestic violence. He said that ANY crime committed against a relative is domestic violence including theft, destruction of property, and of course assault.

So, what happened? It's hard to say. His wife told him she was having a sexual relationship with another guy, that she was going to continue, but that she was not going to pursue a divorce at that time. So did he get mad and start throwing stuff around? Did he hit her? Or did he just stand there yelling until his wife called the sheriff and claimed domestic violence. I have no idea.

What I do know is that he is at the absolute bottom. He lost his wife, lost his kids, lost his home (everything is in her parents name), the only thing he has left is his job and if I didn't go down to help him get out of jail (I thought) he might have lost that as well. There are no saints in this story

My first post was really an expression of my frustration at this terrible situation. I was feeling miserable about the whole thing. If that left an opening for people to drawn their own conclusions I am sorry.

Dave



Ukulele music I couldn't find anywhere else.
[colquhoun.info]



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/11/2007 12:36AM by davemchine.
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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: EEMac
Date: July 11, 2007 02:12AM
Dave, regardless of the situation, it sounds like you're being a good friend to the guy.

You're obsessing because you want to solve this for him. However, you have already done everything you can and should. Remember that it's his problem and not your problem. (I'm making that point because if it was your problem, there'd be things you could do to fix it. With it being his problem, it's outside your sphere of influence.) Just being there for him will mean a lot.

As for how to stop dwelling, you've got to do something that engages you for a bit. Playing video games, watching a movie you like, reading a new book. Do something that you can lose yourself for a few hours, and you should be better off when you come out of it.

Good luck to you and your friend.
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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: Jp!
Date: July 11, 2007 05:17AM
It doesn't pay to have friends.
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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: ho'ard
Date: July 11, 2007 08:13AM
Quote
EEMac
Dave, regardless of the situation, it sounds like you're being a good friend to the guy.

You're obsessing because you want to solve this for him. However, you have already done everything you can and should. Remember that it's his problem and not your problem. (I'm making that point because if it was your problem, there'd be things you could do to fix it. With it being his problem, it's outside your sphere of influence.) Just being there for him will mean a lot.

As for how to stop dwelling, you've got to do something that engages you for a bit. Playing video games, watching a movie you like, reading a new book. Do something that you can lose yourself for a few hours, and you should be better off when you come out of it.

Good luck to you and your friend.

I actually didn't understand the subject line until I read this post. I understood "dwell" as "live" or "inhabit".
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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: davemchine
Date: July 11, 2007 09:00AM
Thanks for the kind words EEMac and others. I told my wife last night that I felt I had done all I could. I feel better this morning. It has been an interesting week. First I flood the neighbors finished basement, then my friend goes to jail, and now I see I have a notice on my front door from the water company saying "I" have a water leak. Oh boy! Stay calm, stay calm, everything is going to be a'ok...

Dave



Ukulele music I couldn't find anywhere else.
[colquhoun.info]
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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: Jp!
Date: July 11, 2007 09:17AM
you ARE a DREAM friend/neighbor! smiling smiley
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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: davemchine
Date: July 11, 2007 10:36AM
Good news. I used 102 units of water during a two month period of time which was roughly double the amount of water used last year. Why is that good news? It translates to a $147 water bill for two months. Big deal. I also verified my water usage is comparable to my neighbors who also have underground sprinklers (I just had mine installed last month). So I think I'm fine although I will still take the steps to verify there is no water leakage.

Dave



Ukulele music I couldn't find anywhere else.
[colquhoun.info]
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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: RAMd®d
Date: July 11, 2007 10:44AM
Whoa! Whoa! The guy gave an open ear and a helping hand to someone he is very close to and you're jumping down his throat?!?

Exactly what I was wondering.

Nothing dave posted could objectively be constured as enableing. That's a cheap shot. This is another instance of readers assuming a lot based on little or no information.

In CA as well as many other states, evidence of domestic violence requires the arrest of whomever is the suspect. That seems clear cut, but very often it's not at all. Arrest does not mean that the guilty party has gone to jail.

Frankly, I'm surprised that the practice of male forum members bashing women who's presumed sexual practices mirror those of men, doesn't incur the outrage that this post generated.






I am that Masked Man.

All you can do, is all you can do.

There’s trouble — it's time to play the sound of my people.

Your boos mean nothing to me, I've seen what you cheer for.

Insisting on your rights without acknowledging your responsibilities isn’t freedom, it’s adolescence.

I've been to the edge of the map, and there be monsters.

We are a government of laws, not men.

Everybody counts or nobody counts.

When a good man is hurt,
all who would be called good
must suffer with him.

You and I have memories longer than the road that stretches out ahead.

There is no safety for honest men except
by believing all possible evil of evil men.

We don’t do focus groups. They just ensure that you don’t offend anyone, and produce bland inoffensive products. —Sir Jonathan Ive

An armed society is a polite society.
And hope is a lousy defense.

You make me pull, I'll put you down.

I *love* SIGs. It's Glocks I hate.
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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: SteveO
Date: July 11, 2007 10:47AM
Aye, you'd be welcome on my block any day, Dave!
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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: Jp!
Date: July 11, 2007 12:34PM
Finally located a satellite to take a pic of your neighbors damage.... DARN DUDE!!

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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: Jack D.
Date: July 12, 2007 02:09AM
Hey Jp!, what's that pic of?



- Jack D.




New tasteless sig coming soon!
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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: davemchine
Date: July 13, 2007 06:04PM
I found where the picture came from, [sharkride.com] . It appears to be a concept picture.

Dave



Ukulele music I couldn't find anywhere else.
[colquhoun.info]
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Re: how to not dwell
Posted by: davemchine
Date: July 13, 2007 06:17PM
oops, posted to wrong thread...message deleted...



Ukulele music I couldn't find anywhere else.
[colquhoun.info]



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/13/2007 06:17PM by davemchine.
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