My wife appears to be having a miscarriage. It is a much slower process than I anticipated. Does anyone have any experiences that they can share with comforting their spouse during this process. PMs are preferred. I don't think that everyone else needs to hear about this, but I need some info, and I don't know where else to turn. This process is taking days during which we don't know what is going to happen. It could be something else entirely, or she may be losing the pregnancy. At the rate that we're currently going, I think that I'll be at the hospital before the night is through.

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A friend's sister-in-law is also going through this as I type. My friend is in the other room on the phone with her right now. And I don't have any words for you but I am very very sorry for your loss, if that is what is going on.

I have no personal experience with this, but I would imagine she (and you) will need lots of emotional support. Try to get your close friends and family nearby to help you through this difficult time.

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mikebw
I have no personal experience with this, but I would imagine she (and you) will need lots of emotional support. Try to get your close friends and family nearby to help you through this difficult time.

Ironically, my parents just happened to be in town. They were on a round-country tour. We just had her parents and my parents over for dinner. There is nothing to do except wait...and it is driving me crazy.

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It might help to know that this kind of thing does happen, and it might not be anyone's fault either.

Not being able to know or do anything about it must be very frustrating. I know we are all hoping for the best here.

No personal experience but having worked in a hospital for many years I will offer this.

A bit aside but relative, when I was a volunteer buddy in an adult cancer camp the first thing
they taught us was that you cannot fully understand it unless you have been through it.
You can sympathize and know people that have been through it, but unless it's been you
then you only have a small idea about a persons feeling.

That said - ask someone in the OB-GYN office about support groups.

They are not for everyone and certainly not any kind of instant cure all but what they do allow is
an outlet to grieve with others who do understand what you are going through that can offer
the kind of support and insight that someone with true first hand experience can offer.

Hopefully It will help to give you both perspective and support. that you need.

Also remember this is awkward for your friends and family as well and sometimes
what they are trying to say doesn't always come out right. Appreciate the sentiment and the intention.

That's all aIl I can offer except condolences and good wishes for a future family

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I'll mirror what lafinfil said. unless you have gone through it....

My friend has actually, and she told me that your wife couldn't give a rat's behind about what's outside the other end of the tunnel, she's in that damn tunnel still. You are the one who can make the most difference. You are her partner, and its your loss too. If she wants to be left alone, be a bouncer. If she wants company, be the doorman, and help any well wishers with their gifts. Take your cues from each other.

And it took my friend years to have gotten over it. It wasn't until she held her eldest son for the first time that she felt "complete, and all was right with the world"

Being a dad of a two year old and having one on the way, I offer that painful feeling in my gut and in my heart. Put your faith in the fact that its in someone else's hands. Much love.

This is not going to help you a lot, but it may bring some comfort once things settle down later on. I read in several books that in some cases the Miscarriage is due to a major health problem with the fetus, basically the body know something went wrong in the process and it's better to abort the mission now rather than produce a sick baby that may not live anyway. It's a way the Nature self-regulates itself.

I know it sounds cold, and it's not gonna bring you much comfort now when you need it the most, but that's all I can say. Good luck and best wishes to you and your wife and the fetus.

Ztirffritz,

I feel for you and your wife. My wife and I experienced a miscarriage, and it was devastating for us. This is such a personal and powerful event that even those of us that have experienced it ourselves can't properly understand the unique ways in which it will impact you and your wife.

One of the small things that made it at least a bit easier to put things in perspective was learning how many *other* people have gone through the same (or similar) thing. During our grieving we learned of literally dozens of friends and family who had secretly had the same experienced and had kept it, understandably, very private. People we'd known for years, who now have large and loving families had struggled at first with the loss of one or more pregnancies.

I don't really know why this made us feel any better, except maybe it left us feeling like we hadn't been "singled out". That the horrible experience we were dealing with was more of a painful fact of life, as Bill (space-time) suggests, than some kind of personal failure on our part. At this point though, it is probably way too soon for that kind of "processing" to be of much comfort.

My one piece of advice that I do think I can safely offer, is to embrace the support of your friends and family in whatever way is helpful to you. You and your wife will naturally feel so alone in this, and while there is nothing that can be done to immediately change that, keeping your friends and family close means that when the time is right, they'll be there to help lift you both up and set you back on your path.

Please feel free to PM me if you'd like. I will keeping you and your wife in my thoughts, and praying for a positive outcome.

~Jem

Nothing to share advice-wise, but wishing your family strength.

My mom miscarried between me and my brother. Not sure to what depth it affected her, she talks about it very little... though if I asked her she'd probably talk to me about it now. She's in her late 60s, I'm 42.

Peace.

z-
We're all praying that it's one of those fetal developmental stages or some reversible problem with the process. But if not...

We've been through three miscarriages. Each one was painful. Each loss was emotonal. You have to realize that over 20% of ALL pregnancies end in miscarriage. The numbers go up as Mom gets older. Fortunately the other three pregnancies resulted in our wonderful children. (OK, two of them are teenagers now, but you know what I mean).

You WILL go through all the stages of loss. And the #1 thing your wife will go through is guilt. She will be second-guessing herself and blaming herself. But guess what- it's not her fault. There's nothing she could have done differently. As a husband, it's my #1 job to remind her that it's not her fault and that I love her and that we have wonderful children. And believe me- it comes up about once a month.. 12 years since the last one.

Have her talk to other moms who have gone through the same thing. Odds are that her parents and your parents have been there too. They may never have talked about it, but they can share how they dealt with it.

You will all get through this. God bless, take care.

We had a tough time having kids.

The consequence was a number of miscarriages. We were finally successful and now have two happy & healthy ones occupying most of our waking hours.

Our worst case was about 13 weeks along and thought we were in the clear. Things were looking good and Mother's Day was just around the corner. We had already had one or two miscarriages prior, so we decided to wait to announce. We were planning on announcing to everyone on Mother's Day. This would have been the first grand child on both sides. We got the devastating news two days before mother's day. The Ultrasound tech was doing a routine exam and said "I'm sorry" and just left the room. We didn't know what was going on. 15 minutes the Doctor comes in to re-check and break the news. It was pretty tough on both of us.

Some important points.

1. It happens way more often than you think. As you can see by these responses. Know that this happens to a lot of people not just you! it has happened to your friends, neighbors and family members. Unfortunately it is also a very private thing that most people don't share their experiences about.

2. Miscarriages happen for a reason. Something is not right. This is how the body deals with it. In the long run, it is probably a good thing.

3. When things have settled down, discuss it with your doctor. Make sure you are not missing something that may be a cause. My wife had a thyroid issue that went undetected that was the culprit for our difficulties and miscarriages. Once we got that in control, things worked out.

4. It doesn't sound like a big deal, until it happens to you. Then it is a big deal. We got through it, you will get through it.

Hope all works out and you can quickly get to a point where you look back at it an realize why it all makes sense.

Good luck!

JPK

I am not an expert by any means, but PM me if I can help further.

Having gone through a miscarriage myself twelve years ago, i'd have to say that disappointment and grief were my strongest emotions, guilt never entered into it.

Hearing from women who had gone through the same thing was the most comforting for me, so I'd have to second the support group.

It did take at least a year for me to get to the point were I could talk about it without crying, so time does help. The hardest part was co-workers who hadn't heard and still referred to the pregnancy, I had a friend let them know what had happened.

I think the best thing you can do is offer your support and be patient and let her grieve as needed.

All that said, I do hope that this is a false alarm and everything works out fine for the two of you.

I can't offer any advice, just my deepest sympathy. My best friend just suffered her 3rd, and another good friend had 2 before her first son was born and 3 more before she had her second son.

I think the fact that you are looking for ways to comfort her is a good sign that you already know what to do.

I wish you both good health and happier times in the future-
DM

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JPK
Our worst case was about 13 weeks along and thought we were in the clear. Things were looking good and Mother's Day was just around the corner. We had already had one or two miscarriages prior, so we decided to wait to announce. We were planning on announcing to everyone on Mother's Day. This would have been the first grand child on both sides. We got the devastating news two days before mother's day. The Ultrasound tech was doing a routine exam and said "I'm sorry" and just left the room. We didn't know what was going on. 15 minutes the Doctor comes in to re-check and break the news. It was pretty tough on both of us.

This was almost identical to our experience except we had announced the pregnancy to our family at Christmas, having witnessed the heartbeat in a prior exam. The first week of January we had the exam that went pretty much like yours. The silence from the nurse was crushing... slipping from anticipated elation at seeing the heartbeat again, into the heart wrenching realization of what had just happened. Words just cannot express.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/01/2008 09:54AM by Jem.

OK, 5AM at the hospital. Ultrasound was not very promising so they ordered some more lab tests. I'd say that it is a done deal. I'm staying home from work today and we're going to just curl up together and watch episodes of Futurama.

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I'm sorry for what you are going through. We went through it as well, and I second and third the comments made, particularly cbelt's.

One thing to add-please don't say (and block anybody about to say...) that you can get pregnant again. We were told that by several people trying to comfort us, but it came across as a rejection of our loss.

Best wishes. Hug your wife long and hard and cry together.

We went through a miscarriage a short time before my wife became pregnant again with our son. If not for the miscarriage he would not sitting with me having breakfast as I type (though someone else would). As cbelt3 said, a large fraction of all pregnancies end up in miscarriage so you have lots of company. The sense of loss will be there no matter what, but we found it very helpful to know that miscarriage is simply a very common bump in the road on the way to creating a healthy child. Miscarriage in many cases is simply nature's way of having a do-over when the fetus does not develop properly.

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"In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they would actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion." (1987) -- Carl Sagan



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/01/2008 11:04AM by davester.

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ztirffritz
OK, 5AM at the hospital. Ultrasound was not very promising so they ordered some more lab tests. I'd say that it is a done deal. I'm staying home from work today and we're going to just curl up together and watch episodes of Futurama.

well, that's one "Bender" that won't leave you foggy......

This is indeed nerve-wracking. My thoughts are with all of you guys that have suffered.

No advice, but sincere condolences.

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It is what it is.

My wife and I went thru it twice. Its bad, it's always going to be part of you. We would talk to them, gave them nicknames before they went...We still remember them, esp on what would have been their birthday.
Tell her its not her fault. If she wants someone to talk to, have her speak to someone who's gone thru it. My wife spoke w/my mother about my lost sister. We all got teary eyed...

Give her much love. Remember, you've lost something too.
Have a listen or read this, it might help. Her child will never leave her, will always be a physical, real, part of her.

[www.npr.org]

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davester
The sense of loss will be there no matter what, but we found it very helpful to know that miscarriage is simply a very common bump in the road on the way to creating a healthy child. Miscarriage in many cases is simply nature's way of having a do-over when the fetus does not develop properly.

That is wonderfully stated. Well said, davester.

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It is what it is.

Thank you all for the advice and support. My wife seems to be doing fine physically. We'll see how things develop emotionally. It was a long day.

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Keep us posted z. We're thinking about you both-
DM