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Crazy prediction for 2006
Posted by: MikeF
Date: January 02, 2006 01:20PM
Apple will be pressed by investors to spin off the successful iPod and iTunes business into a separate entity.

At the time of this spinoff, the RIAA will act preemptively through information gathered from NSA homeland spying and manage to obtain a majority stake holder position in this new company. The next iteration of the iPod will be called the RiPod (rye-pod) and the next iteration of iTunes will be called RiTunes (rye-Tunes).

The RIAA will institute a structured pricing scheme abandoning the standard pricing guidelines that was pervasive through the previous iTunes Music Store. New releases of any song you might want to actually hear will be priced at $4.99 per track. Prices will range all the way down to $0.49 for Hillary Duff and $0.29 for that really old twangy country&western stuff. "Songs" by celebrites and people that really can't sing (Leonard Nimoy, Nelly) will be priced at $0.79 but will include a permanent negative mark on your credit record. Marilyn Manson songs will be priced at $6.66 in keeping with the ongoing relationship between the RIAA and Satan.

The RIAA will discontinue computer activation and require user activation through the use of DNA sampling. Access to the RiTMS will require a special device attached to your computer that will sample your DNA and provide authorization (similar to the device at the entrance to the building in the movie "Gattica"). Additionally, the RIAA will require all RiTMS purchases to be backed with $1000 in an escrow account to fund future lawsuits against yourself.

In order to maintain control over all aspects of music, the RIAA, when introducing new music playing devices, will include a DNA test port that requires the user to insert his finger (finger choice optional) that will extract some blood to ensure that the user is authorized to play that particular piece of music. This authorization will be required for each song. Portable players and automobile devices will only allow one hour of music for every three hours of elapsed time to prevent users from passing out due to blood loss (a potential safety issue the RIAA does not want to incur).

In order to bring back the nostalgia for the burgeoning baby boomer generations, a new generation CD will be developed that is about 7 inches in diameter (similar to old 45s). The disks will hold 400GB of data which will allow about 1GB of music and 399GBs of data encryption, signature encryption, and anti-piracy prevention algorithmic data.

Rather than allowing purchased songs to be copied 7 times, the RiTMS will only allow songs to be played 7 times. The new generation devices will automatically rewrite songs as they have been played to add noise and scratch marks to aid in the nostalgia similar to old vinyl. After 7 listenings, the user will be forced to repurchase the music.

All new radio devices will have a credit card slot that will allow you to run your credit card should a song come on that you haven't already paid for. All the devices will be linked together so that the listened song will automatically have the appropriate noise and scratch marks added to your home collection. Radios, after playing the first 10 seconds of a song, will pause and allow you to enter your DNA via the DNA hole or slide your credit card to purchase the musice. An available option will allow for a one-time listening to that particular song. Song play will commence after the payment is made and if no payment is made, there will be dead time for the duration of the song length. The radio will catch up to real-time during radio commercials since they only provide revenue to local stations and not to the RIAA.

In conjunction with the NSA homeland spying program, the RIAA will monitor the background noise during conversations (the NSA is monitoring the conversations for terrorism) to be sure that no unauthorized user is playing music. If one end of the conversation is playing unauthorized music, the RIAA will notify the NSA and the person will be added to the no-fly list.
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Re: Crazy prediction for 2006
Posted by: rob banzai
Date: January 02, 2006 10:21PM
But will the background noise monitor detect humming or whistling?
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Re: Crazy prediction for 2006
Posted by: guitarist
Date: January 02, 2006 10:44PM
To write a good humor piece, or tell any story, it helps to start with a credible premise, one that's sufficient to allow the reader to at least temporarily suspend disbelief. If that's not established, everything goes downhill, and never recovers. Example:

"At the time of this spinoff, the RIAA will act preemptively through information gathered from NSA homeland spying and manage to obtain a majority stake holder position in this new company..."

Uh huh. Yep. You lost us right there.
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Re: Crazy prediction for 2006
Posted by: Billybob
Date: January 05, 2006 01:30PM
Actually, I kind of liked it. Failing the credibility test, the piece should make you think. One of the big debates for online music is whether we (or the industry) be better off with variable pricing. Clearly, popular songs could demand a higher price. However, the higher the individual price, the more likely consumers will be tempted to go to a filesharing site and download for free. Another question is how much inconvenience are consumers willing to put up with. A lot of companies have considered the "pay for play/use" model rather than the ownership one.

MikeF does a good job of alerting readers to these issues.
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